First of all I want to say I am truly sorry for your loss and I am so glad you have found us. You are now where I was 2 and half years ago. Everything you wrote about I could relate to. A struggle to get out of bed, being very much disconnected from life and the intense sadness that comes with the grief journey. At 5 months you are still very much in the rawest/toughest stage of the journey. Grief is a full time job and truly exhausting. Will you ever want to live again. The answer is definitely Yes but it doesnt feel like that right now, The return of zest for life is unique to each individual. I went from a place of complete despair and brokenness to a place of hope and yes even joy. It required me to surrender my pain to God and do alot of grief work and crying along the way. On the darkest days of my grief journey God had to carry me. For me a significant turning point came when rather than focusing on the loss which was so painful I could fill my heart with gratitude for the 22 years I shared my life with a incredible women. That was a blessing from God.
That said the human side of me misses her everyday but I now realize I carry her in my heart so she really isnt that far. There is no shortcut in this grief journey and we all have to do the grief work. But with God walking with us I promise you there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. What you wrote about is very much how the early stages of grief feel and yes it is normal. Please post here as often as you feel the need. Sending you a big Canadian hug. God bless. Gerry

Welcome , I hope you find bits of strength here.

HI Marguerite -

I have already commented to you on another post but I understand everything
you are saying. The first 2 to 3 months are still a blur to me and I know I was
a walking / talking zombie as I still had to go to work five days a week to
manage a business. But I was frozen in place on the weekends and would
not get out of my robe from Friday night to Monday morning and did not
communicate with the outside world.

Meanwhile, over the first 2 -3 months and even the 4th month, I could feel myself
slowly sinking into a depression as though I was in quicksand. All of those around
me that I thought would throw a rope to me turned away as they were busy with
their own lives. They all thought I should be " getting better ". But, I was not
getting better. I even had some dark thoughts now and then of leaving this
world on my own.

Then, I started thinking and thinking and praying and praying. I also asked
myself, " What would my wife, Debbie, want me to do ? ". Well, I knew she
would not want me to leave this world on my own. That would be a sin for
which I could not be forgiven. That would also prevent me from meeting
God and from seeing her again and, hopefully, spending eternity with her.

So, I decided to move in a completely different direction. I went to a store
a bought a huge box of candles. I placed three large photos of my beautiful
wife on a shelf across from where I have sat at a table for 27 + years. I light
the candles and speak to my wife for a short period to tell her I miss her
and love her with all and recall one of our happy experiences together over
our 30 + years together. Then, I pray and pray and pray.

I began doing that above six or so weeks ago. Then, I received a message
from gerald222 ( Gerry ). In short form, Gerry suggested I turn it all over
to God. I have done so and continue to do so every day and every night
when I light the candles. I ask HIM to walk me through every minute of
every day and often stop during the day to pray if I feel my exhausted
brain is under attack. I have faith HE will guide me as I slowly trudge
forward. I am hanging on to HIM for dear life.

I shall be praying for you.

Darrell
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Then, .

I am so sorry for your loss Marguerite. May God give you the strength to move forward one step at a time if that is all you can do. The first months are so very hard, for me I don't remember much of those first months, they are just a blur of raw emotions. My constant prayer, and everyone here have helped me move forward at a pace I can handle. I have passed the 8th month mark and I am beginning to live again. I too will be praying for you
Hugs and blessings
Kat

Yes, the will to live will return. You have to surrender it to God every moment of every day. It's not easy. As you keep pushing forward things will get easier. Keep going to your garden, pull a weed or two each time. Before you know it you'll be back at it. Don't give up! We are all here and we are praying for you everyday.
Rachel

Im sorry your husband passed away. I felt that despair in the beginning too. You will never be over him, nor willl you have completely joy or happiness, for some time. In time, though, it will happen. I smile now, have good days, and enjoy a good laugh. For almost 7 months, I just felt like life was just happening without me. You need to give yourself to greive, take your time, cry, stay in bed, but remember this. Your husband wouldnt want you sad all the time, or bedridden. He would say, life is for the living, and you deserve happiness, joy, and peace. He is there watching over you, and he appreciates how much you love him. I had a close friend tell me the other day, as hard as it was for me to hear it, that my sean is gone forever, he will never be back, nor will he be able to come back. It was like a slap in the face, but as I got to thinking, now mind you, she has lost 3 husbands, and is remarried, for almost 9 years now, she is 75, sweetest and most loving on the face of the earth. Fortunately for me, she is a realist, and like me is logical. It got me thinking, if I can;t have sean back, then I need to start living for me, and my girls. So I find, that my life is getting more put together. If you ask god for his help, he will help you. First you have to be at your lowest point, to give all of yourself to god.. Or atleast that is what happened to me. I'm sorry I'm just rambling on.. This week has been rough on me, is been 11 months in 3 days, and because of this grief causing me to be exhausted, I too sometimes dont want to attemp anything but just chill.... Its all ok, maybe your regular famiily doctor, could prescribe a medicine for you, to get you over that dread of getting out of bed etc. Just know your not alone. Ill be praying for you. much love and big hugs carla

my heart aches for you.my first year is a blur I went back to teaching after 8 months. I was a robot couldn't cook or manage my life . I went to beginning Experience and sought counselling . its been 5 years and finally I am able to feel happiness mixed with sad times. I am more at peace . god didn't give up on me . grief is a life challenge the hardest ever. I lost my husband in January and my special aunt 2 days after with my mom and a nephew withi 3 months. God provided me with many people to encourage me , support me and guide me . not all stay but they all did help me. you found a world here where care , support and prayer will surround you all the time. you are not alone and you reached out. that's shows strength.

I thank God for y'all...you just don't even know..every single one of you touched me in your own special way..Rachel..you really hit something deep inside me when speaking of pulling those weeds...I began to weep...that is my love...I miss my garden so...I yearn for that zeal..that desire..that joy to get close to the earth once again..I feel so far away right now...thank you..and I will take your advice..May God bless each one of you..and my prayers shall go up for you also....Much love to each one of you...:)