I have survived the holidays and am on the tail end of Type A flu.  Dec. 13 marked one year on this journey, lap 2 for me.  I am trying to regroup now, trying to decide a course of action for 2018. I got up the nerve to email the funeral home again and give more instructions for the marker.  I was pretty plain spoken and said that I'm about ready to give up and forget it.  Eventually something should click with them so that the light comes on, so to speak.  Someone told me today that earthquakes are being predicted here.  Really...what else??  My world has been rocking for so long I probably wouldn't notice another tremor.  I have been having small waves of grief and crying jags lately.  I think I am depressed and don't know how to deal with it.  Even getting together with friends doesn't seem to help much.  I used to love to shop; now I endure it.  I don't mean to come across as unthankful for what I do have, materially, but I can't seem to function without a mate.  Plain and simple.  Some of you say that they are still "with" you; I don't feel any type of connection - only loss. I'm not judging or knocking how others cope, but I have to find my own way to continue living.  An extended family member committed suicide on New Years' Eve, so when I heard that sad news, I was more determined to try to find a reason for happiness again.  It is hard to trust God, but I am trying.  I pray for deliverance from this dark place - the valley of the shadow is what it is called.