The first question you are probably asking is how can I no longer be a widower.  I will explain.  I came to the realization very recently I no longer conduct my life defined as a widower but rather I have found 'Me' Gerry whose identity was so completely lost after my wife passed.  After she passed I felt everyone treated me as the widowed brother, widowed Uncle, widowed friend etc.  I would go to a family or social event and feel I had  this label attached to me.  I hated the term widow and yet it seemed to define me completely.  Even on government papers I had to check off widow.  For so long i was part of a couple and so much of my identity was related to my wife ie loving huband, couple etc.  As I wrestled with despair and grief for over 2 years this label followed me into every aspect of my life.  Rather than functioning as a single person I functioned as someone who had lost half of themselves.     

    Very recently while walking the dog I had a 'aha'moment where I realized 'Gerry" was back and I was making decision based on me not my life as a widow.  It started earlier this summer where due to flooding I was forced to renovate the house.  The decisions made were based on my personal taste as part of my new life. A suite was made in the basement for my adult dgt so she had a nice living space while in school and when she gets married I can rent it out if I chose to.  Colors etc in the house were my personal preferences.  The sewing room was gone because it was no longer part of my new life(that was a hard room to get rid of0.  The house now reflects more of my new life even though many parts of the old life are still there.

  Socially things have changed dramatically.  I  no longer go to family or social events as a widow but rather as 'Gerry"  Gerry loves to laugh, tease and generally have a good time.  I have built closer relationships with some family and friends as they get to know a side of me they had never seen fully developed.  I have also had to let go of toxic people that wouldnt respect my new life or lived a life according to principles I didnt want to be part of. 

  As I am sure you could have guessed my relationship with God has changed profoundly as part of finding me again.  I will no longer allow any person or decision to get in the way of my relationship with God.  I have always had some sort ofrelationship with God but as I have said before when I finally decided to surrender and trust him completely things shifted dramatically.  I have gone from hurt and anger when my wife first passed to acceptance and love for our Creator.  His love for us completely overwhelms me.  As I travel the road of my life I will pause and ask what would God want me to do.  Again a way I have never lead my life before.

 In a month I am going on a trip.  Not as a widow or a person recovering from a loss but as a person that hungers to see the world.  I will be going to a place where Gods beauty is all around me.  2 years ago I went on a trip while wrestling with grief.  I carried my grieving label with me throughout that trip.  This trip I hope will be the beginning of seeing the world a little at a time.   

 Dating has been a tough issue for me.  I have never been a casual dater.  I have opened myself to many socail situations.  As a result through my church I am gradually building a friendship with a lady I think may have the potential to be special.  If she is that would enrich my life and if she isnt I know after 3 years building this new life I can function as a independent, fulfilled adult.  If and when a serious relationship blossoms I will no longer carry my grief into the relationship.  My wife is safely tucked next to my heart for the rest of my life.  

  I will also be embarking on a new career after my trip.  It is a passion of mine I hope develops into a job/hobby.   Whether it works or not doesnt concern me.  I dont want to have the regrets of not trying.  

  In building this new life I have had to take risks.  Open myself to new people and situations,  Reach out for help early in the grief process.  Have many many conversations with God about my destiny and purpose.  There is a saying I read that "as widows we are breathing and living for 2".  I love this saying.  Just before my wife passed she made me give her 2 promises.  That I would never lose my faith in God and I would remain strong.   The stayng strong was a very very difficult promise to keep.  I know in my heart she is smiling and my dear Pablita is a huge part of the person who I am today.  That will never change or be forgotten.  In this journey we need to constantly grow and it is time for Gerry to grow once again.  

  Why am I sharing this.  To let you know it is possible to go from utter despair where you dont want to live to a sense of peace.  God bless my dear friends and I know God will bles you as he has me.