I wrote, and then deleted several of these without posting them. I was deleting this one too when somehow it posted. So be it. Just, if I come to mind, when you're praying, ask Jesus to help clear my memory of traumatic things and go forward with peace about Mark.

Laurie I pray for your soul, that you find peace, and good things ahead. I sit and give devotional to god in the mornings. I thank him for all the trials and tribulations I face, and will face, then I cast out any negative thoughts or things that satan is putting into my head. Remember you can do that, you can demand those things out.... You are your own leader, and in charge of your own soul, and destiny. Much love and big hugs and a prayer for you as well.

Laurie so much of what you wrote I could relate to in the early stages of my grief. In the first months my mind and heart were racing in 2 different directions and I was in so much emotional pain. I went to see a hospice counselor because I thought I was crazy. She assured me that I was experiencing normal symptoms of grief. As I continued to wrestle the grief I went to see a grief counselor because I thought maybe I was clinically depressed. She assured me although many of the symptoms are very similar I was doing everything in my power to move forward so I was not depressed but still grieving. As for the devil he was definitely most active when I was the most vulnerable and emotionally broken. As for your Christian sister they come in all shapes and sizes with their own belief systems and unfortunately many will disappoint. Places that I thought I would find comfort I didnt. That all said I agree with Carla. We are in charge of our own souls and destiny and leaning on our faith and God is a huge help. You will definitely be in my prayers. Gerry

I'm so immensely grateful! To you Carla ...Gerry ...I feel strengthened today....I spend time soaking in God's presence and devotions every morning but was still completely blindsided afterwards. ..
I know that this too will grow me in character as God's child. I really prepared today to recognize and cut off triggers quickly. Today, a new day, walking with Jesus in my heart and by my side. God bless you!

Hi Laurie -

I am at 7 months today and still have those " attacks " from to time. In
the first three or four months, I thought it was Lucifer himself attacking
me as I was mighty tempted to leave this world. But I very slowly realized
it was pure pain of reality and gradually accepting the fact she was not
coming back.

I did turn to some people that I thought were good Christians ( I am not
sitting in judgment of them ) but they quickly moved away from me. Then,
I thought about and thought about it. There I was talking to " humans "
when there was absolutely nothing stopping me from talking to God
himself 24/7.

Humans often turn away or simply don't know what to say or have other
things going on in their lives.

God has asked us to talk to Him when we need Him any time of the day
or night.

I am not turning away from humans that MAY support me at given times
but I am focusing on God. My long terms plans ( depending entirely upon
His plans for me ) are to meet God and then be my wife again. Since He
is in control of everything and I have turned my life over to Him, it only
makes sense to me that I trust in Him to guide me through this horrible
wilderness of grief. I don't have a grief map and don't know the way but
He knows my future and I trust He will lead me to where I need to go and
do what I need to do as I very slowly move forward. I don't know of even
one human being that can do that for me.

Hang in there, Laurie -

Blessings to all -

Darrell

Laurie there is another phenomenon that happens too. Fear. We as widows/widowers are a reminder that this can and will happen to at least half of all couples. It's hard to see our pain months after our spouses leave, they don't know what to say because they don't always want to be reminded this is a future unavoidable. But maybe rephrase your request, because if they believe they are helping you get out some, they are more open to making time.

I found a few movie buddies. Telling them I needed to get out for a bit and missed sharing thoughts and conversation about movies with a companion. That started opening those doors. So ask your sister in faith to go out and see "The Young Messiah" Very good by the way. Then walk the park or mall.
Jewell

Laurie,

At this point, you are still reeling from your loved one's death! We all question our mental health after losing our spouse, partner. Our minds are in shock and it is very difficult to zone in on any particular problem. The first year and on into the second, I'm not sure how I actually did anything. The good Lord evidently helped me get to and from places and do the things that I had to do. It is kind of fuzzy! It was even hard for me to pray, except, that inner Holy Spirit prayed for me and moved me ahead. At times, though, I didn't even think that the Lord was anywhere to be found.......HE was!! HE held me together, even when I didn't realize it.

Prayers for you,
Hugs, Joely

Finding folks in these types of situations is Satan's playground. He hovers around taking advantage of us at our most vulnerable to take us down. It's his job to take as many as he can. When Jesus died upon the cross He did away with the wall of communication that was there. He tore down the veil and opened it up for us to approach God anytime we need to. All we have to do is believe on Christ and talk to the Father. Then be strong in your faith He will answer you. Here is where folks get off track. Because sometimes His answer is not what we are looking for but what He knows is best for us. So some times the answer is no. And sometimes we don't think He answered but really He did. Cause sometimes the answer is to wait. This is where faith and trust comes into play. We have to stay strong in our faith. Satan then takes advantage of this by placing doubt in our minds that God doesn't care enough about us to answer and it's hopeless so why bother. But stay strong and everyone is right you can cast Satan out in the name of Jesus Christ. You have to have a complete understanding of who Jesus is and what His sacrifice was about. But every Christian is given this authority to cast him out in this way. You don't have to have anyone as a go between but go directly to the Father and talk to Him. Take care.
Peace, Tim