I know God has a plan. Even that this is part of it. And I love and praise him always. I'm trying to look back at the last several years in reality. I've lived in a lower level grieving process for years being so deeply in love with Mark. I could feel it...it had mark and it was killing me, my spirit. I spent our last 3 years separate from him . He never wanted to be addicted to alcohol. I've cried wanting, NEEDING him...I've talked to him and could hear his advice for years before he actually died. But I knew he was less than a mile away.... If he came back today! I would give anything to hold him I find myself crying begging God! . In reality, I couldn't have what I hunger and grieve for if the alcohol was in him destroying him. He suffered great pain and loss in his younger life. I said no when he called, sober, wanting to see me. How many times I'd said yes and had a wonderful period that twisted into another horrible time as the drinking returned. He loved me so! If I'd known he was going to die, I would have been with him! He spiraled down and died after I took away his hope! I know he believed. I think it helped him seek his true Savior Jesus, rather than me, at the end of his life. I want what's eternally best for Mark! but what I wouldn't give to have just had one last time together. I cry every day. I ache for him! I can't have any time with him. I blew it! I am always vascillating on this. God knew it was his time to come home, and now he's not suffering anymore. I KNOW God has a plan. My mom had a double stroke 2 hours after marks song was consuming my mind leading me to pray for him. Without God's obvious hand I would have still been grieving my daughter cutting me out of her life the past almost 6 years, my mother, AND mark. I'm probably rambling. God Bless all of us who've lost someone so deeply loved! I know we can hide under your wing dear Lord!