WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS OF FAITH Community Group

A place where people of faith may freely discuss issues of grief from a faith based perspective.

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icezam19 09/05/2016

My dear husband died six years ago and it's been quite a journey.

Last week, my son's wife lost her mother. Cancer..................gone in 4 months. She was a lovely, vibrant woman - grandma, mom, wife. A huge part of the grandkid's lives.

Here's my question to you guys:

I am now the "other grandma." The funeral was 3 days ago and I was quite unsure of my place there. I refrained from playing with the grandkids (5, 3 and 4 months) at the funeral

home ...................... as I felt like that would rub salt into the wound. Now I just don't know how to act. Just like when my husband died, there will be a new role for me but I'm afraid of messing it up.

I'm so unsure how to graciously fit in and find my new role.

I remember resenting other men who were allowed to live when my husband had to die................ and I know that my DIL feels that way about me. It's normal.

I'm experiencing survivor guilt in a very complicated way.

I'm praying about it for sure. And sort of "on hold."

icezam19 09/05/2016

Yikes, sorry about the text spacing in my question

Shrn 09/05/2016

I don't think your role has changed that much. The fact that you understand the importance of your support for your DIL and grandchildren is key. Talk to your DIL and assure her that you are there for her and the children. Remember what you needed when you lost your husband and be that for them. It's a hard road wanting people there and needing to be alone. She's lucky to have you. Sharon

jewells1 09/05/2016

You are one of two grandma's not the other...You can play with the kids to assure them that love is a continual thing not based in social judgements. I know that they are scared and not sure of what to think of all the anxiety floating in the air. Just be a soft spot to land and physically hug them through this. Answer any of thier questions as honestly as you can .. on their level. As for the daughter in law, I am sure that losing her mother hurts and she is overwhelmed. But after losing my mother and husband to cancer I can't see her ever wanting that on anyone. Just know that she is hurt and do what you can to ease any stress you can. You know how nice it would have been to have someone come and take away some of your stressors when the pain was so new. Do that for her so she has time to let out the grief in private out of sight, if that will help her. She may be tired of keeping up the mask now after the months of worry and anxiety. So give her the space to work through it, without having to be strong 24/7 in front of her children, your grand children.

It's never perfect, but it can be somewhat better because she knows you understand great loss.

We learned that often people would say the words "Just call me if there is anything I can do" at a time when we couldn't think of anything because of grief. The good ones just came and did. So ask if you can take the kids for a walk, a trip to the park, or come and make dinner for your daughter in law and son. Things done, are better than things that have to be defined by her, at this time and in the future after the phone calls of offers have stopped.
Hugs and support. Jewell

regwin 09/05/2016

The thing that stands out to me is that you have empathy. The ability to know what someone feels is a gift. You are truly a loving person who the children are so lucky to have in their lives. Hugs and My best to you. Dolores

tim57 09/06/2016

Stay as involved in their lives as you can. You are still their grandmother no matter the circumstances. Family is family. Don't shortchange your grandkids their other grandmother, they just lost one don't take away the other. If anything you now have double duty. Don't feel guilty about anything, physical death is part of living. Be the best grandma ever.
Take care.
Peace, Tim

JesusisOurSaviour 09/06/2016

I agree with Tim. You are a devoted, loving grandmother, you can't, be Evetything to all people, be who you are. They love you for you.
It seems like you have lost your footing and are overly sensitive to how people may think or feel. We never know, how or what people think it feel. Trust who YOU are,
Lord, knows you have gone through so much, and caring for so many people, I know you will do the right thing.
I Love U......Sandra

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