WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS OF FAITH Community Group

A place where people of faith may freely discuss issues of grief from a faith based perspective.

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Whitedoves 06/07/2018

Ive spent two days in the bed. Im furstrated and angry. I am tired of reinventing myself. Im tired if starting over. Im tired of my lifes journey being so challenging. From birth, i was born into trauma. I just dont understand. For once in my life, i was truly happy. For once....short lived but happy. I just dont understand why I cant have a "good" life. Im not even asking for great or excellent. I was content with Frank. Happier than i have ever been. I didnt think it was possible to experience that level of happiness. I know god didnt take him from me. I know god had nothing to do with it but dang, he sure could have saved him for me that day. I feel like its just not in my destiny to be happy and to be loved. It feels like god is saying, sorry, you dont deserve it. I mean...everything in my life...everything....is a mess. I come from a dysfunctional broken home and the story goes on. I didnt ask to be born ,yet im here. I have no idea my purpose and why my journey contains so much pain. Frank was the only person that didnt cause me pain . He just loved me unconditionally. Im so confused and i feel so defeated people say, look at the story of job. I cant vlaidate if its real but i do believe i understand the lesson. However, ive lost alot in life and none has been returned ten fold.

Thanks for letting me vent

regwin 06/07/2018

I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. You have friends here. You might also try a grief group in your area. Everyone in the group has had a loss and they understand. It takes time to get through grief. Eventually you will feel better. You can vent here anytime. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Love and Hugs, Dolores

Whitedoves 06/07/2018

Thanks dolores

shewearsblack17 06/08/2018

How long were you and Frank married? I also come from a dysfunctional family; I've had a lot of bad things happen in my lifetime. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. What Gerry said in his comment to you seemed to make a lot of sense. We ride out the storm. I too was angry with God for taking not just one husband, but two, from me. Anyway, He allowed it to happen. I don't begin to understand the whys and wherefores of it. At a year and a half into this second round, I am just now feeling the fog lift just a teeny, tiny bit. I am definitely not ecstatically happy, but I am adjusting, maybe even accepting his absence. We aren't given a choice. Don't feel bad for staying in bed; grief is exhausting within itself. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other: I keep going to church and trying to live right. I stay busy most days, but some days I don't push myself so hard., I feel I have lost my sense of direction, so you might say I'm "winging" it. I tend to stress over too many things, I know, but I'm responsible for myself now. I am trying to be kinder to myself. I took myself to Arby's today, even though I knew I was blowing my budget. I wanted the pecan chicken salad sandwich, which is seasonal. I only planned to eat half of it, but I ate the whole thing. I can't say that we will have everything we have lost returned to us ten-fold, but I believe I will be taken care of - at least my basic needs met. I don't know if another husband is in the plan, but that door is not closed at this point. I can try to improve myself, but I must also BE myself because I am the way God made me to be. I know I'm rambling. Text me tomorrow if you get a chance.

gerald222 06/09/2018

Just want to send a huge Canadian hug your way. I remember those tough early days clearly. Gerry

AnnieToman 06/17/2018

oh, my
your world mirrors mine, your words are my words and i do what you do. do you live in seattle? want to meet me for some coffee?i understand you, like you understand me..IT MIGHT BE WHAT WE BOTH NEED.
Annie

nvcowboy2 06/22/2018

Whitedoves, God loves you. Sometimes we experience pain in our lives so that we can grow spiritually. Your pain, my pain, everyone of us here....our pain will be replaced with exceeding joy....(it's just a matter of getting there from here).
I am amazed at how may of us have such similar loves and stories. And maybe Just having to endure this nightmare of loosing the love of my life after 26 years
was to help me grow spiritually so that I may be of a comfort for you...... or something like that. Keep your faith and believe me when I say God want's you to be happy. Try to find one recent blessing in your life and let it build from there. We'll get through this. - NV Cowboy

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