WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS OF FAITH Community Group
A place where people of faith may freely discuss issues of grief from a faith based perspective.
Most people would agree when you lose a spouse you lose part of your identity as well ie: as a married couple and how you function in the world. I remember the day my wife passed it truly felt like half of me passed also mind, body and soul. And I didnt know "me" anymore because I had been 'we' for so long.
In this last week I have watched my young adult daughter blossom into the mature adult I always knew she had the potential to become. She recently completed 2 different education programs and landed her first fulltime stable job. This was after several years of false starts and struggling since losing her mom. As I was talking to her and telling her how proud I was she told me something that I totally understood. She said dad after I lost mom I lost 'me' for a long time and it is only recently I feel 'me' is back. Profound grief doesnt only have a profound effect on our psyche but our childrens as well.
On a personal note my journey of finding "me" has been a very complicated one as well. As I have shared before I spent over 2 years in total despair just trying to survive and keep my head above water emotionally. I did go back to work for about a year but my passion was completely gone and I was fortunate enough to qualify for early retirement. Retirement brought many new challenges because I no longer had a spouse to share it with. I initially met people socially through grief support groups and then one day joined a meetup group to force myself back into the world socially. I became involved in 2 different churchs which became a huge source of comfort for me. I was fortunate I had 2 sisters that were very supportive and one in particular inspired me spiritually which I really needed. I developed friendships with other widows and have done 2 trips with a third to the grand Canyon planned this summer. This latest trip I am traveling with 2 widows one in which this is her first trip since her husband died. She shared with us how brave she was when she was single but when married to her husband she didnt have to be. She is looking to find that braveness again.
I am no where's near finding the new 'me' yet but I have learned a few things along the way. 1) Dont look for the old you when seeking the new 'you' because the loss has changed you forever. I look back now and say I survived the loss of a spouse I can survive anything. 2) The more I move towards God the more peace I find and the more I move away the more restless I get. This can be as simple as allowing a few minutes a day for prayer. Prayer is so incredibly powerful. For me allow time for the rosary. I go to mass as often as I can and there is a chapel I love to visit. You truly can draw tremendous strength from your faith. But like any muscle in the body it needs to be exercised. 3) Go outside your comfort zone in a safe way. We are now living a different life that requires us to take chances and do things we are unfamilar with to allow us to grow. 4) I live in 24 hour periods. I dont worry abt yesterday or tomorrow I embrace each day for what it has to offer. This is a HUGE change for me who used to be a chronic worrier. 5) Love yourself, and forgive yourself. Gods does both and wants us to succeeed. 6) I try and let the people in my life know they are appreciated. You never know which interaction is the last. 7)Build on the lessons your spouse taught you. I watched my wife wrestle her cancer with unwavering faith. Your spouse will always and I do mean always will be part of the new you. 8) We often ask ourselves after our spouse dies what is our purose now. I believe it may be big or it may be small but everyday gives the opportunity to do something positive in our world. It can as simple as a smile or kind word to someone who needs it. 9) For myself personally I am open to a relationship in my future. I am also comfortable living a fulfilling life alone. God brought me my first love I truly believe if it is Gods will it will happen again.
There is no right or wrong way to rebuild one's life and find the new you. It is a lifelong process. I know my dear Pablita wants me to rebuild and my guess is your spouses want you to. The pain has subsided when I look back and my heart is filled with tremendous gratitude for the life once shared. Would love to hear your stories or insights on finding "yourself" again. For me personally faith has to be central to the new 'me'. It is the main reason I am still standing and moving forward. God bless. Gerry
1. "How old" we were before marriage, and 2. "How independent" we had lived before marrying, and 3. what % of our lives we spent with them, does impact the ease or difficulty we have in "finding our new self".
Maybe I am wrong?. but I met my husband at age 18. Now I am 62. I had no adult years/history without him.
The Lord has literally been carrying me in His Hand & His Arms for 2 yrs & 2+ months since being widowed. I can't point to any personal, newfound Self or wisdom.
If not for the Lord, I would be homeless. I would have died from my illness. He led 3 different friends to transport me to and from a major hospital, 6 hours drive from my tiny remote town! WHO does that?!. (2 of whom, I had not spoken with for years, prior to The Funeral. Both held me in their arms)
The 2 women both said that 20+ years ago, I had walked them through horrific life-altering trials. I only remember "sharing Real fellowship" with them, while also being in trials... things that altered my heart ForEver.
I only recall the mutuality.! Nothing else.
OK, back to subject: I just keep re-learning that Only my Father God, and Savior Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit Who is sent to teach and comfort...ONLY my God can get me through anything. I am weak and dumb and as immature as an baby.
I look at homeless, crazy street people and think "There I am." Not even "There but for the grace of God, go I". Nope. I am literally THERE. in terms of ability & assets of my own. A homeless man came to church last sunday and I saw him eating. I wanted to walk over and attempt striking up a small conversation. You know what? I COULDN'T. I was thinking, "OMG, what do I say to Jesus, to begin?" All I could think was "Barb. you are going to burst in to tears if you say one word....". I felt like a stranger and a derelict in my home-church. I just floated out the door, through the parking lot, and into my truck.
This week the homeless man was not there. So what did I do? I became a little bit comfortable & started talking to people. Like an adult. But I was so grateful for being taken care of by God, I ended up crying like a baby, while saying "I am not even sad. I am OK and thankful. Now I can't even be happy without crying!". I had to leave. I drove to the gas station and just cried while the tank filled up. and all the way home.
What can we say? II Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself."
Do you ever wonder if God will tire of holding you, of carrying you? I have to admit, I do. I think "surely I am exhausting Him of grace and mercy".
(But) His mercy endures forever.
How long? FOREVER!
and He does not just give us grace. He *is Grace. He is the great I AM. The becoming One. becoming all that we need.
AfterMom, I found your post extremely uplifting and it really helped me today.
((Hugs to all))
~John
Whether a positive day or not I must remember that HE is faithful.
God is omnipresent, only HE can be with us all the time.
Each & everyone of you, thanks for contributing .
jdp