My partner died suddenly of a heart attack, and I found him. Sad that he died alone. I think PTSD is a possibility as it is a shock to lose half of yourself. I only can say that thinking of him being at peace and no longer suffering helps me a great deal. ((Hugs))

The day my husband's doctor came into his hospital room and said "you have pancreatic cancer, better make out your will" Those words are still chilling to me when I revisit that day, our world exploded, all joy gone in in a matter of seconds. My husband died 9 months later in 2009 and to this day, thinking about that day sends me into sadness, hence I try not to think about it. We all have "that day" that gets us to the core, but as they say that is part of the grief process to heal but some things are impossible to heal. God bless us all. Jan.

My husband had no terminal illness and he died in bed with me before dawn. Absolutely No warning. So the bad memory I have is just sudden & thorough shock with anguish. I heard his last breath leaving his body, but at first thought he was moaning from a dream so I tried to wake him up...something I'd done so many times before. "Honey, you're having a bad dream, wake up. (as my hand moved on his arm)" But this time he had no reflexive response. and the Lord made me immediately Know: "He is GONE." Oh yes, I got up, turned on the light and...paramedics came, etc. But I had absolutely no doubts that he was gone.
Since then, EVERY time I dreamed of him, I am interacting with him totally alive. as normal and then after awakening it was to the exact same shocking awareness that he is permanently gone. Oh, how many times during those first couple of years the trauma was repeated.
and it still hurts so deeply to wake up......just somewhat less shocking now., over 4 yrs later.
Quite simply, I believe that there is NO easy way to lose your spouse of 41 or 42 years. or 30 or 20 or ? add your own number of years you had together. Because death was Not what we were designed for. It was NOT God's "Plan A".
I was also left (caught SO off-guard !) with an unresolved issue.
I would have given ANYthing to have been able to finish discussing that before he died. It was something that would've taken work. Not able to be done in one-time talk.
I feel great compassion for you who have been left with memories of terrible suffering. and I pray for peace in each of our hearts.. If they suffer terribly before death, then you are left with such painful memories. but perhaps because their suffering has ended,...well, each one of you only knows how to end such sentences. I can only honestly, just imagine, by your own testimonies.
I have heard people who have dreams in which they are aware that their spouse is dead, and happy... That comes to represent an acceptance in their heart.
No such dream has come to me. Yet I thoroughly do know he always looked forward to the Joy of seeing his Master in Glory. and I know he is exactly where he always longed to be. With Jesus. He dreamt of weeping at the feet of Jesus, holding onto the Lord's feet.
Maybe someday I will dream, while sleeping, that he has died. I don't know what will happen then.
My favorite verse is Psalm 17:15 (NKJV)
As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;
I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.
*(Because, for sure, I know that upon that Day, when I see the Lord, I will be satisfied. To awake in the likeness of Christ...perfect, complete...no more suffering due to my own flesh or any pains of earthly life). That is where my husband is now. He longed for that Day.
I pray we each come to peace with our loss.
God bless you All.
Barb.

Gerald, we are about the same time frame in our journey and I remember sharing something to that effect about a year and your reply offering some of the same issues in regards to relieving some parts over and over.
It is part of the grieving but wow does it bring you to your knees!
By the time we had a diagnosis of Cancer, he was gone 8 days later . In the beginning of my grieve it just felt so surreal but there are moments that are stock in my mind that can just break me down . I am stronger and have traveled so far on this journey but I still relieve the moment when on Christmas morning 2012 , while awaiting results of what was going on , I walked into our bedroom a minute after he had gone in to change from his pj's and there he was holding on the closet door frame, and he was grey ..I panicked and yell for someone to call 911 while I helped him to our bed. I blanked out the moments between that instant and the time the paramedics followed one of my children into the bedroom... That was the last time he was home ....

That's how I am feeling, half of me is lost...I wake up in the morning and see a emptiness.....no one to share coffee in the morning or discuss things....

So sorry Lonestar that we all have to deal with this, but I feel empty too without my boyfriend and lonely and lost. Death is a horrible thing, and my parents are gone too. I don't have hardly anyone left, very depressing. Have to somehow find the strength to survive, it's very rough, blessings to yous!!