After two years, I don't feel any happier than I did when I first became a widow (the second time around). I just now purchased the headstone - after a long, stressful "battle" with those affiliated. My pastor advised me to just sign off and get it behind me, but I felt he was insensitive to what i wanted for this, and also to what it would cost me. My injury has shed a light on, well, just about everything. Of course, most on here know that cancer was responsible for my current status, and due to all that I experienced, it is a bit difficult to have the faith I need for my own healing. I have tried to reach out to the leaders in my church, as well as the saints, but I feel like I am being passed by. I find myself holding back from asking for prayer because I think they should know and come to me. I am in a lot of emotional and physical pain, and my hand is barely functional. The outcome was not as I was assured it would be. At least not yet. I also feel that they will think I have an attitude if I ask. I am tentatively planning to move as soon as possible. I haven't told them that either. I want to ask, "Is God a healer, or not?" Do they believe in divine healing, or do they not? it is taught and preached, but not many receive. Whose faith is lacking? Quoting scriptures and faith alone doesn't seem to cut it. I know I'm rambling, but this is a very real issue with me. I guess I will try one more time to get my church family's attention, so that the ball is in their court. Something has to give.

I should have made this a separate post. I'm glad you are moving forward.

I can hear your pain both physical and emotional and I am truly sorry. You havent asked but will definitely be in my prayers. I posted here a long time ago my struggle with faith in the early stages of my grief I titled dancing with the devil. I was both angry with God and clinging to him at the same time. I know God is definitely a healer but healing comes in many different forms. Its often said he gives us what we need not necessarily what we ask for. He took me from a devastated broken spirit in total despair and didnt walk with me through grief but carried me till I could walk on my own again. So often it felt like he abandoned me and yet he was a whisper away waiting for my heart to receive but only when I was ready. Praying you receive the healing you are seeking. God bless.

Coming up on five years on Monday (February 11). It hard to believe five years have gone by. I was 61 when Mike died suddenly of a heart attack. Still had a life ahead of me (my grandmother lived to be 96). Now I am 66 and officially a senior collecting a pension. Just seems like everything has changed on top of loosing Mike. I had to have my almost 17 year old cat put down three months before Mike died suddenly. It is still a battle every day. My only hope is in the Lord though like you I struggled with anger and trusting in God. I don't know how Monday will affect me but these past few days it has been really hitting me that it will be five years since I have seen Mike. Thank you for your hopeful post! ((Hugs))

Anniversary dates are always challenging. I find they tend to bring us back to that very painful moment. You are right everything does change in life and many changes we did not ask for. I truly believe if I did not find peace through God I would not be standing today. Even in peace periods of pain do resurface on special days. Praying that Monday you will be able to reflect with gratitude on what you had with Mike rather than focus on the painful loss. For me when I could fill my heart with gratitude rather than despair that was a significant turning point in my grief journey. It took a long time for me to get there. A big hug to you as you approach Monday. God bless.

Gerald, such a touching and heartfelt post; of your thoughts in rememberance of your wife, and the special things you treasure and hold dear about the life you shared together; thank you for sharing your heart..

Thank you Gerald for your support. I turned on Joyce Meyer a few days ago and she said instead of focusing on the negative things that have happened, to focus on the Lord and all of the positive that He brings. Your comment reminded me. It helps to turn off your mind and switch your thoughts. ((Hugs))

Gerald222, I can definitely relate to being angry with God. After Mike passed away, it seemed my mother-in-law moved closer to God whereas I was angry at him. I remember writing a journal entry on here (in the journal section) lashing out at Him. I still think there's a bit of a strain there after almost 11 years, however I am not as angry with him; only sporatically now. I did write an entry apologizing for the way I lashed out, just to get my thoughts down. I actually did this in December of last year so just recently. A fellow poster advised me back in 2008 that God can take whatever I dish out so not to feel guilty about lashing out. I am glad you are in a good place and hope you have a great day.

Veronica77, just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you today.
Gerald222, anniversaries tend to be quite trying for me as well as I tend to relive Mike's last half-day and constantly watching the clock until that fateful time of 2:15 P.M. I have found it interesting that on a couple of anniversaries (2016 and 2018 come to mind), I have actually slept through the time of his passing. I have to wonder now whether it's a combination of Mike and God perhaps carrying me through the grief in that way.

Yes trinilisa totally understand reliving the last hours. It was like a film in my head which when I allowed it to play would send me in total despair. it was so vivid and the emotions were so raw. That film doesnt devastate me the way it once did but its still a place I dont chose to visit often. Veronica77 you are in my prayers today.

Shewearsblack, I read so much of what I went through in your words. Cancer is a big trigger for me as well as the pain of newer spouses joining our ranks. When is too early or too long?

I had strength for John but was so wiped with none for me after he left. It's been a long road but I am still here. I work to say thank you for the rays of sunshine some days, but I say thanks.

We are forever changed by love so it also makes sense that we are forever changed by the loss. I can now say I hope John is fishing, playing softball or whatever the Creator has for him there. The difference his love made in me was a good part of his story. I am here because my pages are still in process.

Hugs
J.

PS today is Johns birthday.