|This post is inspired by Tims latest post.  This post will explain my personal journey through by far the most painful part of my grief process First you need to know my wife Pablita was rushed to the hospital by ambulance Christmas morning at 4 pm in  respiratory distress She had thyroid cancer and the tumour was obtructing her airway.  On the ride in the ambulance I prayed to God to take care of her never dreaming that she would pass away Jan 4, 10 days after Christmas.  That journey on the palliative care unit was her last and brutal in every sense of the word and yet a blessing at the same time.  My wife had fought her cancer for 6 months.  That Christmas evening after being admitted to the hospital she told me I have not been this comfortable in months.  The drugs and care given made her comfortable for the last part of her journey(a blessing).  That said in her final days she gasped for breathe at night and I stayed up for 72 hours straight because she was afriad to sleep unless I was right next to  her.  New Years eve we spent on the palliative care unit on the top floor of the hospital overlooking the river looking at the downtown Christmas lights.  I stroked her back in the balcony and prayed with all my heart she would be saved.  That memory I will carry the rest of my life.  Jan 4, 2013 changed forever.  That day half of my body and soul died forever and I would be forever changed as I embarked on the grief journey.  Immediately emotionally I fell off a steep cliff and for several months I was in such despair and pain I just wanted to die.  I spent the next 2 plus years going for grief counselling, joining support grous and coming here to DS.  I  struggled to pull my life back together.  

  Then came the first Christmas.  I cried uncontrollably each time I tried to put up the Christmas tree and after 3 attempts it was finally up.  I was so numb I went through the motions but was completely disengaged from Christmas.  The second year I dreaded the approaching Christmas season as this served as a incredibly painful trigger and brought me back to the rawest most painful part of my grief journey.  I suffered countless grief waves as I tried to keep my head above water.  As I approach this Christmas my life has shifted dramatically with Gods blessings.  My daughter last week brought home a single strand of Christmas lights to hang in our living room.  All week I have lite this up in the evening and smiled to myself.  This is a sign that Christmas has finally found its way back into our house again.  The tree is going up this week.  Why so early?  Because I was robbed of 3 Christmas's which used to be and is now once again my favorite season.  It is Christ's birthday how can I not selebrate that|?  

 I carry those painful memories of those 10 days which used to send be into total despair.  I look back and see Gods hand gently taking care of both of us as we walked through fire.  My wife passed just before her airway would have been competely obstructed.  The doctor in charge of her care worked tirelessly to keep her comfortable and cried with me.  I will always remember that New Years eve on the balcony looking at those lights.  I will always remember the gift of comfort that Christmas day evening for my wife.  I will always remember the love we shared as we spent the last 10 days of the journey walking side by side.  Those memories which represented such painful grief waves I am finally free of.  i will celebrate Christmas this year like I havent done in years.  God does perform miracles I am proof of that in the journey he has walked with me.  My life has changed forever and my love for God has never been stronger.  He wants to love us if we will allow him to do so.  Gentle hugs to each and everyone one of you as you struggle through this challenging and yet beautiful season.   God bless