Can you not care to live and have faith? The answer is absolutely Yes. How do I know? Because I was there in the early part of my journey. This period was by far the lowest point I had ever been emotionally in my entire life. I still carried my faith but the problem was the emotional pain was so overwhelming I thought I was going crazy and desperately needed to escape from it. Grief also stripped me of hope at that point and without hope it is so incredibly difficult to move forward. I remembering crying and crying and begging God to help me. I had never been suicidal my entire life so those thoughts horrified me. I didnt really want to die I just wanted the pain to stop. That said I had a suicide plan in place but I was also grabbing out to God looking for a lifeboat to save me. God did send me lifeboats that came in many forms over time ie: a friendship on ds with a person who understood this type of despair, and other resources. Months later God even gave me a glimmer of hope which I thought I had completely lost. Looking back now over 3 years later I can now see God walking hand in hand with me and even carrying me when he needed to. At the time though I felt so absolutely alone and vulnerable. Ultimately I found my hope through God and the amazing part of that journey is God showed me inner strength I didnt know I had with him. I now recognize hang onto your faith in the storms and God will ultimately lead you to peaceful waters. Thank you for posting this question. It forced me to reflect on the most painful part of my journey but also where I can now see God was actively working in my life. Wishing you peaceful waters as you continue your journey.

I have been struggling with this, too. Everything is so difficult. Nevermind.