I thought of this song.  "It'll be a blue Christmas wthout you..."  Last year I was in a state of shock, although I had a meltdown hearing "Jingle Bells."  Maybe it reminded me of the jingle of his keys (he was a locksmith and wore a large set of keys on both beltloops).  And instead of saying he would give someone a call, he would say he would give them a jingle.  What I would give to hear his phone ring right now.  I just don't know if I can survive this week. I know I need to kick myself in the rear and get a life again, but how?  I will be eating Christmas dinner at a friends' house with her alcoholic brother and his alcoholic girlfriend, buy hey, beggars can't be choosy, huh?  There won't be any other invites, and I attend a rather large church.  I realize I am having a pity party of sorts, but please, can we just skip this holiday and New Years as well?  Maybe I should have posted this on the other board, but here I am with you "believers."  I feel like I have been kicked to the curb.  Even our Christmas services seemed mundane and empty.  The only nugget I got was my bishop saying last night that he felt in the Holy Ghost that someone needed to rest or be or something in the arms of Jesus, and that love requires trust. He said something to the effect that God was already working on some situations.  True, but how do I trust someone WHO ripped two husbands away from me?  The Lord would not have created us women if man was good alone (and vice versa), so that old adage about God being my husband is a bit far-fetched.  I have been experiencing some anger over the last week, which is a first cousin to depression, if not a clone.  To top it all off, a doctor's office called a few minutes ago and asked to speak to my husband.  Lord help!  Is this nightmare ever going to end, even if I move across country, will it follow me there?