It is so hard to cram a 5 year grief journey into a few paragraphs but I will try.  5 years ago the morning my wife Pablita passed half of me died with her in every sense of the word.  I felt like I had been pushed off a emotional cliff and never expereinced such intense emotional pain in my entire life.  For many months that followed I was angry at God for taking her, numb, depressed and felt disconnnected from the world around me as it kept going while my world was falling apart.  Was I suicidal.  For the first time in my life and it absolutely scared me.  In desperation one night I click on widow and widowers support and found the main board of DS.  There I found many special people who supported me(Sharon who visits here was so encouraging).  I found friends who travelled with me and encouraged me as they traveled through their own dark grief periods(Jewells who sometimes visits here was a huge support during my darkest periods of grief).  I learned and gained insight from so many wonderful people who posted.  I had lost hope and the will to live, seeing no real sense of purpose.  I saw a grief counselor who provided me a safe place to vent and sort my thoughts.  I joined a support group for widows and widowers and found other people like me who are still my friends 5 years later.  Socially for almost 2 years I kept my socializing to a minimum because I was in so much pain and I found pretending exhausting.  The first significant event that started my healing was at about 9 months when I decided I eithier trust God or stay mad at him.  I chose to trust God and lean on my faith.  5 years later I can see all the dark moments where he carried me or walked with me.  

After 2 years I joined a meetup for widows and widowers that was social in nature and made a conscious effort to get back into the world. I returned to work for about a year after my wife passed and was able to take early retirement which I did(My job was where I met my wife and the triggers were everywhere).  I faced retirement alone rather than sharing it with my soulmate.  A new life I didnt ask for or really want.  I hated when someone said your single now.  I became involved in several churches, tried some volunteer things and gradually started building new friendships.  I was fortunate that  had several supportive family members and I was very close to my daughter.  My daughter was only 18 when she lost her mom so overnight I became mom and dad to her.  She once told me I cant bear the thought of losing another parent.  Aloneness is a big part of a widowed persons journey.  You really have to go outside your comfort zone(safely) and initiate friendships if you want them to happen.  There are many lonely people in this world.  Many of my friends chose to start dating at different points in their journey including one who is engaged now.  For me I needed to heal and feel whole again before I was ready.  I have now reached that point but will look for someone very special not just a companion.  God guided me to my wife he will guide me again of it is meant to happen.  

Life 5 years later looks so different.  My dgt has moved across the country,  and I will be doing the same this summer.  Moving to a island where the weather is nicer and I will be close to the ocean which is a dream come true for me.  My dgt is getting married shortly and I have grandchildren to look forward to someday.  I have a few close family and family which I love deeply.  I dont believe in quanity but quality of the friendships we make.  I have moved so much closer to God and in so doing he has allowed me to find a true sense of peace.  I live in 24 hours blocks now.  In trusting God I dont worry about tomorrow(I used to be very anxious).  I have learned I have a inner strength I never knew existed before this grief journey.  After my move I may chose to work again and possibly meet someone special.  I have survivied the most painful, stressful and life changing event so I now fear very little.  I live in hope again which is something that was striped away from me the day my wife passed.  I do have a purpose?  To love everyone I come in contact with and make the world a better place.  A dear friend taught me something I carry close to my heart.  In any situation ask yourself what God would want you to do and what does he want you to learn from this.  I will always carry Pablita in my heart.  She is part of who I am now.  Rather than focusing on the loss I fill my heart with gratitude for the life I got to share.  Many tears and much pain is part of the grief journey.  Yes I will still have special days where the sadness creeps in.  I honor it, cry and move forward.  My wife made me promise 2 things before she dies 1) to keep your faith in God 2) stay strong.  I can now honor both those wishes as part of her legacy.  

I write this today for those still struggling to give them hope.  Our journeys are different, our timeframes are different, our supports are different .  When you walk with God he will love you, carry you, and heal you.  That is a gift of love available to all of us.  God Bless