OMG, Wendi! Time has flown by. I know it may seem that way with you also, yet in a differing way. For me . . I remember when you first joined us on the main board and it seems like six weeks ago instead of six months! Wow, you've made it a half a year into the Year of Firsts. The Holidays will be challenging, but then afterwards, you should be quickly on the mend to better days.

As for the weed . . sitting on your ass, feeling numb . . depression that's deepening . . feeling apathetic . . . I don't know if it's the weed or the widow's brain and pathway. I've never been one that liked getting stoned, always made me anxious and paranoid instead of relaxed, so I don't really know how to compare your current experience with my past experience. Hard to say. I think if you took the weed equation out of what you wrote . . we would all just say "yup, that's how we feel or have felt". So I don't think it's the weed, good or bad. I totally think it's grief and part of the journey.

Hang in there darling. We're here and you are doing it . . one day at a time. You may not notice the growth, but I do! I see it in you every new day that you share!! I'm very proud of you girlfriend! Give self a pat on the back from me, please? Hugs, D

I hear you Wendi. Next Friday it will be 18 months for me and it doesn't seem possible. Yes the depression still hits sometimes, but not nearly as often. I don't do weed but booze....yes, and I have to watch myself with that. It helps sometimes but the bottom line is that we have to face our lonliness and our new "situation". It really sucks, but we can do it!! You WILL make it even though it doesn't seem so now. Just do only what you must and leave the rest. Big hugs to you. Darlene

Booze? What's that? Is that another name for Hooch? :) My grand-dad was a boot-legger back in the day of illegitimate booze. I think they called it Hooch!

Shout out to Wendi . . you okay girlfriend??

Doing okay...passed out for about half and hour or so...been working on the computer and I'm just looking around to see what needs to go into the garbage...this day is nearly over, so hopefully tomorrow will be more productive and not raining...I may run out of cigarettes before the night is out, but if that's the worst thing that happens, I'm doing okay...

Hang in there Wendi, we all know how you feel. Six months is a milestone and I too can see how you are moving forward. This is a tough road for sure. More than we could ever have imagined. But we will make it through, we have so many loving supportive people pulling for us. Hugs and Love, Michele

Not sure if this will make you feel better Wendi . . I just dropped the ball and purchased a pack of ciggies. Oy vey. I had 20 days under my belt and lost it this eve. I don't know if it was the heaviness of the previous post mentioned . . I simply needed my fix. I feel horrible for negating my Quit . . will have to confess on my non-smoking post. F' and whatever. It was great having a couple of ciggies. I hope I can get back on track tomorrow with non-smoking. Meanwhile, trying not to beat myself up too much. Not easy and I want to lay the blame elsewhere. No elsewhere, it is / was my own lack of self discipline. Easy does it . . . xo, D

Dayna, are you trying any of the non smoking aids available? Chantix, etc.? Or e-cigs? I know when the time comes I will want all the help I can get. The more I think of not smoking, the more I smoke. Crazy I know. Been too many years with this habit. But I don't want this to be what kills me. Hugs, Michele

I tried those patches a couple of times in the past, but for some reason, they irritated my skin so badly I had to tear them off after only 10 minutes..and it left a red patchy mark on my arm for about a week..

Dayna, don't feel bad about having to have a couple of smokes...you made it 20 days, and you will make it longer next time...I haven't tried to quit in about 5 years, and at this time, have no intention to...even though I should due to my asthma and other respiratory issues, if nothing else...

I totally appreciate all of your regards to slipping up on my Quit . . but damn it, I don't feel good about it. Yet, I'll admit, it feels really good to hit the ciggie. Again, S', F' and D'. I'm feeling weak in my need to quit . . but seriously, I was about to have a serious melt down. So, here I am smoking in my office, in the house, which I never ever did .. . and don't give a s' right now. I have so many excuses! I really should just go to bed and forget about this little incident . . . I'm about half a pack in now. YAK. I know I will wake up feeling guilty tomorrow . .and guilt is a useless emotion for sure.

As for patches, they don't work for me . . they give me lucid dreams and the creepy crawlies. As for scripts . . done that previously, doesn't sit well with me either. So, I'm having some smokes and putting them out in a crystal glass . . ha ha. Seriously, hoping tomorrow I'll get back on track with the quit. Not feeling good about this, not at all. Yet, enjoying my moments of consumption. I'm totally sick and consumed with the addiction apparently. It's not about strength or will power . . it's totally about the addiction and love of the nico/psycho attachment. Oy vey.

S0 I fell off the wagon . . f' . . 20 days. Not cool. Not happy with self for sure. K, will go confess on my other site now.

Dayna, stop kicking yourself in the ass!! We all have our moments of weakness, especially when we are stressed. You will quit again. You can do it!!! Thank you for all you do for us and know that you are cherished and loved by us all!!!

Thanks all . . you could tell I was really beating self up last eve, yet enjoying every single puff! How sick is that? Back on track today.

Sorry I hi-jacked your post Wendi. How are you feeling today? You made it past a huge milestone yesterday! Atta girl. Hugs, D

I'm doing okay...kind of tired and wishing the rain would stop,, but otherwise okay..

I hope your rain stops soon Wendi. I always think it makes everything seem worse. Big hugs, Darlene

Wendy,
We all cope in our own way. I was given some prescription meds when my husband died to even things out. They made me feel numb and kind of apathetic. It may sound strange but I stopped taking them because I realized for me there was no shortcut. Just pounding my way through agony was the only course. And that is what I did. I will say being outside and exercising (of you lovely adrenal rushes) helped me more than drugs without that horrid behind the glass feeling.

Just my personal experience. And I agree with Darlene, rain makes everything horrible!

Hugs,
Val