I am cross posting this in a couple of groups because it deals with several issues (someone once called me a troll because of this).
I was adopted at birth and didn't know much about my biological parents until I was 25, at which age I had stopped seeking out information, grieved the loss of never meeting anyone biologically related to me, and decided to close that chapter of my life. When my half sister found me on Facebook and let me know our "father" had found me via an online post I had done almost ten years before that moment. This was a whirlwind of emotions, I found out the reality, my biological mother felt pressured and wanted me back the first week of my life but couldn't win. She said she sent me letters and pictures and they started being returned and unanswered around the time I was 5. This was when my family that adopted me lost all their money and found out my dad had a gambling drug problem. They had a biological daughter 7 years before adopting me and she was treated like a princess. I know my parents wanted to treat me the same and give me the same opportunities but they just couldn't do it.
Which brings me to where I am today. I'm 31, I broke up a longtime abusive boyfriend at a low point in my life at 27. I started dating quickly to move on, and ended up getting pregnant. I wasn't in any place to have a baby, I couldn't even take care of myself at the time really, but I couldn't go through with any other option other than to see this as a gift and be the mom I always wanted deep down to be. The father of the baby was also extremely supportive, proposed, etc, but something felt off about the relationship. I figured it was because I finally was dating someone good, kind, and responsible. He had just finished a lengthy divorce from his ex wife with who he has 2 small children with.
My life growing up with filled with confusion, doubt, disappointment, learning resiliency, showing the world you're okay when you're not, trying to fit in with people when I felt incredibly different. I have a very apparent learning disorder I was forced to go untreated for until I was 23 and could afford to go to a doctor. This left me with a lot of anxiety and depression. A lot of self medicating through out different hard times in my life. I've been to several therapists but can't seem to shake this feeling of self doubt and panic I've had most recently.
My daughter is 2 and a half now and I feel like I've been in survival mode since half way through my pregnancy. It wasn't just the change in lifestyle, then and inevitably in the future as a parent, it was surrounding not knowing my daughter's father very well, disapproval from my family, letting this unborn child down before she even came out into the world on her own.
My therapist helped me realize my relationships were all a bit codependent. With my mother (adoptive), she would blame me for having to stay with an abusive husband (my father) to give me a good life... our lives were very stressful, from as early as I can remember. I remember thinking, why not just divorce him and find a new husband as early as age 7.I saw him yell at and beat my mother several times as early as age 5.
I resented my mother for staying with him, like a scared puppy. I resented my dad for hurting her, for how miserable she was. For making her resent me.
No matter how hard I try, I fear I am doomed to repeat this happening with my daughter. I feel she was always get the short end of the stick when it comes to her dad, since he has 2 other daughters, and I can't provide for her on my own. I would worry about her time away from me with him, and also that she wouldn't have much time with him if I left. I guess I naively was hoping I could grow to fall in love with him, and a part of me still does.
Another part of me knows I am repeating my mothers mistake, and the longer I stay, the longer the sickness spreads. He has not ever beat me, but the constant state of anxiety and agitation we both have around each other is hard to ignore or move forward from. I've tried self medicating but it leaves me feeling guilty of being a bad mom instead of working how it had before.
My heart races any time he gets near me, when I can hear him opening the door after work. My anxiety has become debilitating that I often don't leave the house. Money is tight and I am not working so I get anxious to go anywhere lately.
I've never felt like this before. I've always been self reliant, motivated, hopeful, working several jobs, etc. I know staying home with a baby has had a huge impact on my self esteem so I wonder if that is the problem, and I'm lucky that he sticks around, even if he is mean to me. I don't know anymore. I stopped talking to my mom because she's always been verbally abusive to me. I feel like my husband and her are very similar in that they have no empathy for when I am going through a hard time.
My main concern is that I'm robbing my daughter of a normal childhood and life. I worry constantly I'm going to die or just be unable to give her a good life no matter what I do. Any kind of help suggestion personal stories would help. Thank you for reading all this. I am on adhd and anti anxiety medication.