Hey IWA, thanks for sharing. It's good to hear from you.

It is completely unfair that the abusers live their lives, going from victim to victim, and don't care.
I always tell myself that in the end, they get what they deserve. They may not suffer the way their victims do, but I think they cannot possibly ever know true happiness or contentment. The pleasure they get from abusing is similar to the pleasure an addict gets from getting high. It's not real.

I feel you pain about not having closure the way you wanted it. I feel that way too. In all honesty, I think most of the time our closure is like that - incomplete.

I also still suffer the pain of the sociopath. I haven't dated once in almost 6 years. I am terrified. I am still terrified that all men are like him. My life without him has been so much more satisfying and real. I don't know if I could ever risk my peace of mind again.

I'm glad you are keeping things real, IWA. Staying honest with yourself. Stay strong in your healing journey x

Thanks for your words which makes sense. I haven't dated since either goinguo

I guess at the end of the day I dont want to lose the peace I have. Maybe Im afraid to really meet someone.

I read your post, and realized that I've been doing that for a while. I realized that after years and years of chasing something and not finding it, I found it in a place I never thought I would, and I got married and gained not only a wife, but two sons. Now the oldest one's mental health problems are as bad as they've ever been and he's went from being the loving, little boy that could not live unless he was by my side, is now a loner and if we try to reach him emotionally, he freaks out, and it takes a a week or so to get him back to normal. The other one, has went from being attached to my right arm, because of a major fight we had a couple of years ago he refuses to allow himself to get close to me. He still loves me and if I ever need anything all I have to do is call him. But he has had a girlfriend for almost a year, and even though his mom knows everything about her, and has even met her, I just found out last week, because he slipped up, when I asked him where he got a shirt that ended up being a Christmas present from her, and I caught him off guard and he said "Gina gave it to me for Christmas". I didn't say a word I knew he had slipped up, so I ignored it. (Our fight was over his girlfriend that I knew was bad news, but she had some kind of spell over him, and everything I told him was going to happen did, and it really messed him up and he wouldn't let me do anything to help because he felt horrible because of the way he had treated me" At one time when I had one of my depression moments, he would not let me be alone. There were a lot of times if I laid down for a nap in the day, he would lay down with me, and hold me because he knew that being held by a man made me feel better.

But, now he says "I love you" every day , and when he went to buy a new car he asked me to go with him, he's looking at buying some land and a house, and getting enough land so that we can put a mobile home on it, because he wants us to live beside him, but he always asks me to go with him, but He has dated a girl for a year and doesn't want me to know anything about her. It took him about 7 years before he could start dating after the last one, and now that he's back on the horse he wants to hide it from me.

That brings us to me, There is just so much going on with my emotions it's scary. I told someone earlier that the only reason I don't have a mental breakdown is that I'm so damn confused about everything that I'm like a door that someone is trying to open, but something is jammed under the door, so far that it won't move at all to open or close. I feel like the car that is my life is stuck in the mud, and it will move just a little either way but it's not going to get unstuck without help. Problem is If I have it pulled out of the mud, it's gong to fall apart, or breakdown or something that will cripple it permanently. I'm at a point that I'm no longer in therapy because therapy was making me worse, and it will make me worse no matter who I see, just the fact that I'm looking at those things. I'm ignoring everything that is hurting me, I'm living in blissful ignorance. The only thing that I let myself think about is, "do leave things as they are, or do I try to continue fixing things that I've been trying to fix for 42 years, or do I face the reality that I'm never gong to make them better and the only thing I can do is pretend that there are no problems?" That is an answer that I don't think I will ever figure out, until then I will keep ignoring those things.

rk, It seems you *may* be falling into the trap of black and white thinking. Is it possible that while not solving all of your issues, that therapy has in some way helped? That it has in some way made some things a bit better?
I think therapy is not a cure-all but sometimes it's nice just to have the support of an outside person. I worry that if you are all alone without that support, it can make things worse. I know right now you need to ignore theproblems because the pain is too great (which is rational if you feel you will have a breakdown). But you isolating yourself from therapy worries me. I hope you will keep reaching out to others when you are ready again x

Going, I'm sure I will continue therapy at some point. But right now I just can't handle talking about all of that again, and it's not so much what happened that hurts, but more the actual act of "talking about it again". I had to take Dawn her laptop to work, she is having to do some staff pictures and she's not allowed to install any photo software on her work computer, because it's not health care related. Which is wasn't a problem I was going to a dr's appointment a few blocks away anyway, the thing is it's the third time I've had to take it to her, which has always been when I was going to an appointment anyway and all my Dr's are within three blocks of her building. It's just annoying having to do it again. I mean I get to see her for a minute and that's a good thing, but having to redo it again, am I making any sense? I just don't want the hassle of telling the same old story again and again. I've told the story so many times that I'm tired of hearing it, that its not funny.

But I have learned how to say "Robby he didn't say what you think he said, and you know it, your just depressed today and feeling sorry for yourself, if he said it yesterday, you would have thought it was funny", and I would have. I tell myself, "ok stupid your starting to let yourself get depressed, pull your butt out of it while you still can, that happened 20 years ago it's time to let it go".

I have been talking to my son some the last few days, about my problems, the problems between us, that we've avoided talking about, and all that other stuff. I am trying to find a way to socialize without it being therapy related.

I meant to say Thanks, but accidentally hit the send key.

I get you. It IS frustrating and difficult to tell the same story of your issues over and over. I get that you are fed up with it and it's ok. It's ok to just take a break for a while.
I still strongly suggest, when you are ready, to not give up on therapy. To me it's just the idea of having an outside person to talk to and vent stress to. Someone who has the training and tools.
Best of luck, you do what you need to do x

I don't know why, but I keep thinking, well hoping that I manage to find someone say, a man that isn't straight, whether that be gay or bisexual. I know that even if I did find someone it wouldn't do any good because Dawn would have a heart attack, and would demand a divorce if I just mention the idea. She isn't willing to find out if I would stay faithful she would rather assume I won't, and take action before it is needed. I mean she got mad because I was emailing a guy I met on one of my support boards, that lives in California, it's a 3 day drive. It's not like we could just meet up at the local motel, but I had to stop so she didn't move out.

But I know, that I know, that I know that the best thing I could do would be to make a friend that isn't straight. Even if it's just online, the fact that we have so much in common would be enough to help me work through my issues, even if we never talked about that subject. Talking about nothing to a person that has been through it, does so much more good than telling same old emotionally disturbing stories again and again because none of the therapist has been able to provide what you need to no longer hurt. So I keep hoping that somehow I can meet and make a friend and somehow Dawn will be ok with it. I just need to know there is a man out there that cares for me, and wants to have a very long-term friendship with me. Just being able to put a name and face to something and someone real.