Victory Over Victim Community Group
This Board Is Created So That Those Of Us Who Have Been Abused Sexually, Mentally, Financially, Emotionally, Physically Can Rid Ourselves Of The Label "Victim". Even Though We May Have Been Victimized, We Are NOT Victims: WE ARE VICTORIOUS". The Simple Fact That After All You have Endured You Found Your Way To This Page Means Your Are A SURVIOR". Now Let's Not Stop...
My wife loves the tv show "Law and Order Special Victims", I have told her several times over the years that I do not like that show, because I can't continuously watch a show about people being raped, molested, or otherwise sexually attacked. In past years I could usually find something else to do rather than stay in the living room and watch it. However now it's rather hard to stay out of the living room. So I am continuously being bombarded by all of these sexual attacks. I can usually get involved in my computer and not really pay attention, but even then I still catch glimpses and hear things, and it just scrapes the scab off the wound of my attack. I don't know how else to tell her why I don't like watching it. I don't understand why people like watching people get humiliated, and degraded, and victimized that way. How sick does some one have to be to enjoy watching that kind of horrible situation being glorified. I actually get very anxious and I can feel a panic attack coming on. I just really don't know what else to do. I have explained to her in very simple terms what watching that show does to me, and she just says "it's a tv show, get over it". Am I the only one that is effected this way, am I the only one that has issues dealing with this kind of situation. I'll be watching a movie, and when it gets obvious that someone is about to be attacked, I have to leave the room for a few minutes, until I know that it's over. I can not watch those graphic displays of violence. Am I the only one like this, am I the only one that who has a part of their attack that is still a scabbed over mess, this many years later, even though they are at a point they can talk about it to anyone at anytime with no problems? I don't understand how I can be so comfortable with it, and yet still have so much trouble dealing with watching it?
I don't think every person who watches the show enjoys watching other people get humiliated and degraded. There are definitely some sickos in this world who do get off on the painful experiences of others. I think those who get into that show can be very diverse...some may have a personal interest in the show as knowing someone who was the victim or perpetrator of the act. Some may want to go into forensics. Some may want to work with sex offenders or the victims of sex offenders....it all depends.
As for being comfortable to talk about it with others vs. actually watching something that reminds you of the trauma---comparing apples and oranges there. When you talk about what you experienced, you have control over it. It's safer. You've processed your experience to some extent and can share with others what happened and what you learned. When you watch it on the screen, it may take you back to what you experienced and bring out all other thoughts and feelings. To me, it sounds like you are in your healing process still and some parts of the trauma you have grown and healed from, and others are taking more time.
I'm sure you're not the only one like this. I actually once got triggered from watching "The Hunger Games" the first time I saw it. It was the scene where a group of teens chase the main character up a tree. One tall guy climbed up to get the main character while the rest of his group were cheering him on to kill her and making all kinds of taunts. This actually reminded me of an experience I had at a job 2 years ago, when the guy I thought was a friend turned out to be a sociopath and succeeded in turning others against me---including a former friend. Even seeing the character in the movie who was doing the main chasing--brought back memories because he physically looks like the man I met at work. I am able to watch that scene now and also talk to tall blonde men with blue eyes--without getting triggered. When I got triggered, memories would flood in my mind when I didn't want them to, and I'd think of the man I had met. The way I got over the visible trigger of seeing tall blonde men was to just talk to them when I saw them...mainly in department stores. It helped.
Everyone's situation is different though and you may want to consider if you would want to work on overcoming the visible reminder of your trauma. It's a process, and it's only if you are willing and ready to do so. For right now, it sounds like you found a way that works for you. And there's nothing wrong with not wanting to see Law and Order or anything that reminds you of a very hurtful and painful experience. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think your wife is over sensitive to make a statement that "it's just a show." For her, it's just a show, for someone else, the subject on that show is real and you know first hand how devastating sexual abuse or assault can be. I don't blame you for not watching it.
I agree with you she is very insensitive about a lot of things. But, that is just how she handles stressful, or traumatic experiences, just ignore it, and you'll forget it, and it'll go away. Things can happen to her, and I try to get her to talk to me about it, so I can be there to support her, she not only refuses to talk about it, she refuses to allow me to support her, she just pretends it didn't happen, and eventually it goes away, because she just does not allow it a place in her life. There have been a lot of times that I wished I could do that, but I can't I have to talk to someone about those situations. That has caused a lot of difficulty in our marriage, because she made me mad because she wouldn't let me support her, we have made each other mad because I wanted to talk about something, and I would be sitting there with tears running down my face trying to talk about whatever it was that I was upset about, and she would just tell me to "get over it". That would lead us to fighting about it, because I would tell her just how insensitive she was, and she would tell me I was too sensitive, and I needed to "man up" and get over it. I love her with all my heart, and I will give up the rest of the world before I give her up, but I know that if I need support for something I have to go somewhere else. Which has led to our latest fight, which we really need to discuss so we can compromise on the situation, but as usual she refuses to talk about it, so I may just have to figure out what the middle line between what we each want is, and just go with it and tell her that I gave her the opportunity to discuss it, but she refused so she just has to live with what I decided to do.
I watched the episode last night. From my perspective like thoughtful1 mentioned; I really love detective shows. I know I'm not watching it because I'm a creep. My point in saying that is: because I have never been victimize in that way I see it from a different view. The sad part is the show exemplifies reality in our world, that's the sad part
Even if you are totally over what happened, you shouldn't have to watch something you feel uncomfortable with. Also, I feel she should be more sensitive. I'm pretty much over the socio, but I don't want to prove it by dealing with another one.
I know how you are feeling. Triggers are like relieving the whole thing over again. Have you ever thought about E.M.D.R treatments? That really helped with handling my triggers. It was years before I can walk into a department store. Music was a trigger. The baby isle was a trigger. I still don't watch music awards because he was in the music industry. I learned that these were things I couldn't avoid forever, because its apart of engaging in life.
In My opinion you don't ever have to get use to watching that show or any other show that makes you uncomfortable. I'm trying to see how you can really talked to your wife about it and its resolved
I'm glad you reached out to share with us.
Perception is everything. I view the show from another set of eyes...which sees "a show" . The unfortunate part is the show depicts someone reality. Notice a lot of the themes come from the headlines. I'm in no way a pervert nor do I believe everyone who watches it is. I love the "SVU" team because they care about the person who has been victimized and try to help them rebuild their lives. My point in saying that is people watch it with pure intent.
I think the real issue is being insensitive to someone who in uncomfortable.
RK, yes, I understand where you are coming from. It's okay that I had to go through what I did in order to understand. A lot of growth and strength came from that very unpleasant and painful situation.
It does sound like anything that shows assault is a trigger for you and for understandable reasons. Yes, a person can get PTSD from a number of experiences---sexual assault, or assault of any kind, natural disaster, workplace violence (not just physical, but psychological), and the list goes on. For everyone who experiences a trigger it's related to their specific trauma.
It's understandable that you feel frustrated as you've been dealing with this issue for years. Consider how far you've come in your healing. Maybe these triggers are showing you that can you still work on healing.
Some people do handle trauma like that--forget about it, put it out of their mind...it's so painful and overwhelming that rather than deal with it, avoidance becomes the way to cope. Everyone is different though. It's okay that you speak to someone about it. In fact, I'd say you deal with it in a healthier manner than your wife, and I don' t mean that in a judgmental way. With your wife, right now, it seems hat avoiding is what gets her through. Maybe just agreeing to disagree in how you both handle trauma and just leave it at that. At the same time, it would also be fair if she stops saying "Get over it" to you because unfortunately trauma is not something you just "get over". It's just now how it is. Even now, more than 2 years after my experience, I still am having new revelations about it, even now I'm still healing. With you and her though, I hope that you both can find a common ground with both your situations that doesn't negatively effect your relationship.
I agree with IWA that this situation is about perception and also doing what's comfortable for you. IWA may watch the show because she loves detective shows. Someone else may watch for perverse reasons. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it's okay not to watch. Truth is, I get very uncomfortable when it comes to rape scenes in movies although I never had this experience.
Goingup, I would agree it is sick if someone watches the show just to get their kicks off at seeing another person get hurt and traumatized. But if someone is watching out of curiosity, because they don't know that side of life or experience, or simply because they like detective shows...I woudn't lump them in the same group that may watch the show for distorted sick reasons. Everyone watches the show for different reasons.
I also want to add that sometimes I'm triggered. I watched a movie called Derailed, and yes there was a sexual assault scene there...this scene bothered me, but what bothered me even more was that one character was revealed to be a sociopath and that triggered my experience of dealing a sociopath in my life. Even watching the trial of Jodi Arias has triggered off memories of the sociopath I met, and no, he wasn't deadly. I would become upset, but then I would say to myself "wow, these sick people do exist". I would re-process my situation to continue my healing and then move forward.