Dear goingup,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down.

I find Christmas brings alot of pain to the surface for me each year. The memories and flashbacks of abuse take a toll. I try to manage the impact of all of this by (a) having a daily plan for mental/emotional wellness (b) journalling and reading something uplifting and inspiring every day (c) being kind to myself and accepting how I'm feeling right then (if great I'm thankful, if stinky I tell myself I can get through it and it will pass...) (d) not isolating (e) doing some form of daily exercise (getting outdoors if weather permits, or sitting on my cycle indoors if weather bad... just to get moving really helps increase positive hormones in our brain), and (f) eating healthy and making positive food choices.

Time with family over the years always triggered me hugely because they were abusive and dysfunctional and very damaging to me. Over time, I had to make healthier choices and for me personally this included Non Contact. However, this is a radical step and not for everyone. You must decide what works for you and what doesn't. I'm sorry, however, that your parents were fighting - that's so hard to be around. My parents were both Narcissistic and heavy drinkers and abusive - a horrid combination... so I know the pain this all causes. Hang in there! Try to take some simple, safe steps to make yourself feel nurtured again each day. Be gentle on yourself.... Kim :)

Hi Kim, thanks for your response. I'm sorry to hear things were also so awful growing up for you around the holidays. For me also having time off to have unstructured days, and so much free time to think...just allows thoughts and feelings to come up that otherwise would not.

You are absolutely right about the exercise/eating effect on the brain. I'm aware of this. I do exercise well and try to eat well. I know that it's something my life depends on.

I like that you have a daily plan for emotional and mental wellness. Can I ask, what does this include? Is it the other things you wrote (b to e)?

Thanks for your message. Best wishes x

Hey goingup, All the best for 2015 :)
Emotional/mental wellness - I spend time each day on spiritual disciplines, e.g. prayer, reflective reading - for me this is my Bible, and journalling my thoughts for the day - this one is big for me because I can quickly and easily get into "stinking thinking". I have a specific notebook I write this in. Will write out the main stinky thought that I've been struggling with for the day, e.g. "I'm a failure" or "I'm worthless" etc etc - you know what I mean, fill in the blank! Then I sit and ponder on it - is this true? Why do I feel like this? Who in my life said that to me and conditioned me that that was the case? etc etc. I find alot of pain flows off my pen and it's helpful in "getting it out of my head" and down onto paper. This is how I process my painful flashback and memories. I practise forgiveness with self and others as much as I can because I know it is toxic to me to do otherwise. Forgiveness for me isn't forgetting or saying "you're abuse of me was okay"... but for me it's about releasing the strangle-hold that person's actions etc have had on me, which have taken such a toll. I write about it, I cry over it I need to, I talk to someone I trust about it, and this all helps. I also draw - when I'm in pain I ask myself what am I feeling? What does that look like? e.g. I went through a long period of grieving for my inner little girl for all the crap that had happened to me. She drew lots of dark, angry drawings, then I "sit with her" (or myself if you know what I mean) and contemplate on what "she" was saying. It gave "a voice" to her/my pain which had been locked up inside for over 30 years. I cried buckets (I know I kept the tissue/Kleenex manufacturers well in profits over that time - ha!) and I needed to. Now I've come out the other side of it, I am experiencing the peace and joy of healing that I never knew possible.
Does any of this help? I hope so; apologies if I've gone on too long.
Take care. Having a daily plan has really helped me, especially when I'm in inner pain and feel chaotic or confused or overwhelmed (or all three...).
Bye for now, Kim :)

Thank you Kim. That is very helpful. In my healing journey, I'm always looking for specific things I can do to get better. I find even too many self-help books focus too much on the problem and don't offer any concrete paths to wellness. So I really appreciate you sharing your coping/healing strategies. This is what I'm writing down for myself to take away from this:
a) schedule time each day to be spiritual
b) write out main negative thought of the day and decode why I feel that way and whether it is really true
c) release the hold someone else's actions have had on me

Thank you again x

You're very welcome :-)
Take care, Kim.

Ever since I was about 13, I have wanted to avoid the holidays. I have no idea why, I mean it's been so long, I don't think I ever knew to start with. Starting when I was about 20, I started begging everyone, to do their thing, I would show up for the dinners, and other get togethers, just leave me out of the gift giving. First I thought it was a good compromise, I was still there for the get togethers which everyone wanted, but I didn't have to do the one part that really made me uncomfortable, and actually hurt emotionally. My Mom, and my wife both refused to believe me, they kept saying "oh hush you know you like it". Finally about 8 years ago, I finally just refused to open any of the gifts that I got. I just refused. They finally got the message. I did not want to do it that way, I put up with the holidays for almost 20 years so I didn't hurt anyone else, but I had finally had all I could take. I felt horrible about hurting them, but it was the only way to get them to listen.

They just could not understand that for some reason that I don't understand that exchanging gifts actually hurts me. It doesn't make any sense, but it hurts, and I can't explain how it hurts it just does. So for about 7 years things were great for me, it bothered my Mom and wife, but I tried every year to help them understand, help them realize that not making me participate was the best gift they could give me. Then I realized that my Mom didn't have many years left, so I started letting them give me gifts, because I knew how important it was for Mom to give me things, so I let her. Christmas was her favorite time of year, she loved everything about it, but especially the gift giving. Even in her last years as bad as her health was, Christmas she was her younger self, she perked up so much, even her memory improved. She passed a year and a half ago, that first Christmas my wife said something to me about gifts, and I told her that "I am hurting too bad this year to even care what the hell you do", She took that to mean it would be ok, I didn't realize it until Christmas morning, I mean I was so afraid she would, but I really hoped and thought she would understand, she didn't. I was in such bad shape that I went along so I wouldn't hurt her. So this year, I tried several times to tell her to leave me out of it, but I just couldn't.

I would rather hurt, than hurt someone else. So I have got to find a way to talk to her during the year, before the season hits, that way she hasn't already got excited about it. But, that's my story. So to answer your question, yes I am very depressed around the holidays. It would be so much better if I could avoid the gifts, but then again hurting my wife, is almost as bad, if not worse.

Hey rk,

Sorry to hear about this issue. I'm guessing it's not about the gifts themselves but maybe about what the gifts represent that makes you uncomfortable? Idk. I'm sorry to hear you are also so depressed around the holidays. Maybe there is a way you can come to some agreement with your wife that every year, she can maybe do something else instead of buyin the gifts? Best of luck x

going, I really don't know. Like you I'm guessing it's something they represent, but it could be that with the low self-esteem I've always had, I don't feel worthy of getting a gift. There really is no telling. I quit trying to figure it out years ago, it finally just got to be too exhausting trying to figure it out. I'm hoping there is something I can figure out to do with her. I would love to find a compromise, I wouldn't mind letting her do something else, if it stopped the gifts.

rk4262, sorry you hurt so bad about Christmas. It might be helpful to journal about what your experiences were like as a child perhaps to see if you can discover why you feel so painful at this time of year. I've found this helpful to do myself, as Christmas was a very painful, hurting time (with abuse) for me as a child.
Take good care... Kim x

Thanks, Kim only problem is I don't remember too much about that time. Scary part is I experienced things during those years that no one should forget, and I remember general things, like the faces of bullies at school, and some of the general things they did, but when it comes to specifics I have no clue whatsoever about the specific events. I mean I know that my brother beat me up every day, until I was about 10, he was 10 years older than me, he moved out when he got married when I was 10. I remember being beatup at school most days, the others I managed to hide good enough. I remember several other things that was a general part of my life, but to remember any actual event, I have a complete blockage. I don't know if I have subconsciously blocked those events, or if it's a result of the memory problems from my health conditions. But, I will definitely give it a try, who knows something might come through.

I understand fully. For many many years my memories of the horrific abuse I lived through were blocked. This is very common which a young child experiencing something so painful and overwhelming. I certainly have found that it's taken a long (and I mean a LONG) time for fuller memories to come back for me. As I am DID, I have found that some parts hold the pain memories which others don't have. It takes time for your psyche to get stronger before you can face some things. Maybe just start which what you know; the episodes of bullying at school or by your brother; you may find (as I did) that starting with what I could remember helped my mind begin to let other things come up as and when it was ready. When I couldn't write because of the pain inside, I'd draw what I was feeling; I am SO not an artist so my pictures were like a 3-year old's with stick figures and all, but I did them non-judgmentally and it helped get the pain out.
Maybe worth a try. All the best.... Kim :-)

Hello goingup! Im hoping by the time you read this you are doing better.

This year was hard for me. I really even dont know why.

kpsurfersfan gave some awesome points. I use to have a daily wellness plan a few years ago and it was life saving.

rk4262 Im sorry as well about christmas for you.I hope you are doing well.