Victory Over Victim Community Group
This Board Is Created So That Those Of Us Who Have Been Abused Sexually, Mentally, Financially, Emotionally, Physically Can Rid Ourselves Of The Label "Victim". Even Though We May Have Been Victimized, We Are NOT Victims: WE ARE VICTORIOUS". The Simple Fact That After All You have Endured You Found Your Way To This Page Means Your Are A SURVIOR". Now Let's Not Stop...
It's been a couple of weeks since anyone posted, so I thought I would start a thread so we can all get caught up. Personally, I really don't know if I would classify what is happening as good or bad. It starts with our middle son Garrett, he moved back in with us a couple of years ago because he wanted to save the money he was paying on rent so he could buy a place. A couple of weeks ago he informed us it was time to start looking for something. The catch was we need to look for something with at least two acres of land, because depending on just what the situation is with the land, he is going to make sure there are two homes there, because he wants us all to live together.
This is actually a great thing, with me on disability we don't have the financial means to buy anything, not to mention with medical expenses and all we are currently in bankruptcy so our credit is a joke. So we start looking, the second place we looked at, we all agreed was perfect, and it currently has one small double-wide and a small single wide mobile homes. The homeowner lived in the single wide until 3 years ago and bought the double-wide, she has the single wide rented out. Luckily she put it on the market as she would take care of removing the single wide and cleaning up, because legally it can't be lived in. But, that's ok, all the utilities are already in place, all we have to do is find another mobile home. We drove over to the mobile home lot closest to us, and they had a used, refurbished double-wide that is perfect for us. So very quickly we have the land, and the second home picked out. Garrett has even said he is going to hire movers so we don't have to hurt ourselves trying to do it.
Our first plan was that Garrett was going to get one mortgage loan big enough to cover everything, however nobody will cover one person to buy two acres and two homes, even listing the second as a rental they won't do it. So he's found another, mortgage broker that looked at his income, his credit score, and all that stuff and said there is no problem getting him approved for two different loans, with his scores they should have approved him regardless. Of course this is a person looking at it, and saying we are paying the second mortgage, instead of a computer saying it doesn't match the "rules".
Also, we are finally after 6 years in the middle of adopting our youngest son, we finally had the money, and it's going as planned. No problems at all. I really need to buy another truck, but I don't have the money for that. Then of course there is still the issue of me trying to find some way to have some contact with people especially men outside of the house. So all of this together has my nerves fried. I mean even though the house hunt and adoption is going so good, there is a good bit of stress involved for anyone, and when you have problems with stress to start with, it can be overwhelming.
Then there is the fact that stress isn't good for someone with chronic illnesses, especially chronic pain. Winter weather changes are also not good for chronic pain, so my pain levels have been through the roof the last couple of months. When your pain level is so high that you have to fight not to vomit from the pain, it makes your stress worse, which makes the pain worse, a never ending viscous circle. when you add this stuff together, it makes my need for a friend even worse, again causing more stress, more pain, more loneliness, add to the circle again. My life seems so helpless, thereby hopeless, because I can do nothing to improve any of it. I know that's not true, but knowing and believing are two different things.
Again Garrett to the rescue, any time I feel like I have never done anything right, or have anything to offer, I just look at him, and it's all better. I know he is the way he is because that's the way I raised him. Growing up, he listened to me and did what I told him, that's why in three years he's been promoted from floor employee, through 4 levels of management, and currently acting as the next level supervisor, and will probably be offered the job depending on what happens with the current supervisor. This is after he turned down one promotion because he didn't feel he had enough experience. Then he followed my advice, to get the credit rating he has. I always hoped he would turn out good, we all want that for our children, but he turned out so much better than I could have hoped for. He always puts those he cares about ahead of himself, within a safe limit.
So that's where I am. I think what bothers me the most is that despite all the good around me, I am still so depressed. There is no reason for me to be depressed, I know that, but I can't stop, I can't have hope. Maybe once all this is finalized, I can settle down. So what's going on with you?
This is actually a great thing, with me on disability we don't have the financial means to buy anything, not to mention with medical expenses and all we are currently in bankruptcy so our credit is a joke. So we start looking, the second place we looked at, we all agreed was perfect, and it currently has one small double-wide and a small single wide mobile homes. The homeowner lived in the single wide until 3 years ago and bought the double-wide, she has the single wide rented out. Luckily she put it on the market as she would take care of removing the single wide and cleaning up, because legally it can't be lived in. But, that's ok, all the utilities are already in place, all we have to do is find another mobile home. We drove over to the mobile home lot closest to us, and they had a used, refurbished double-wide that is perfect for us. So very quickly we have the land, and the second home picked out. Garrett has even said he is going to hire movers so we don't have to hurt ourselves trying to do it.
Our first plan was that Garrett was going to get one mortgage loan big enough to cover everything, however nobody will cover one person to buy two acres and two homes, even listing the second as a rental they won't do it. So he's found another, mortgage broker that looked at his income, his credit score, and all that stuff and said there is no problem getting him approved for two different loans, with his scores they should have approved him regardless. Of course this is a person looking at it, and saying we are paying the second mortgage, instead of a computer saying it doesn't match the "rules".
Also, we are finally after 6 years in the middle of adopting our youngest son, we finally had the money, and it's going as planned. No problems at all. I really need to buy another truck, but I don't have the money for that. Then of course there is still the issue of me trying to find some way to have some contact with people especially men outside of the house. So all of this together has my nerves fried. I mean even though the house hunt and adoption is going so good, there is a good bit of stress involved for anyone, and when you have problems with stress to start with, it can be overwhelming.
Then there is the fact that stress isn't good for someone with chronic illnesses, especially chronic pain. Winter weather changes are also not good for chronic pain, so my pain levels have been through the roof the last couple of months. When your pain level is so high that you have to fight not to vomit from the pain, it makes your stress worse, which makes the pain worse, a never ending viscous circle. when you add this stuff together, it makes my need for a friend even worse, again causing more stress, more pain, more loneliness, add to the circle again. My life seems so helpless, thereby hopeless, because I can do nothing to improve any of it. I know that's not true, but knowing and believing are two different things.
Again Garrett to the rescue, any time I feel like I have never done anything right, or have anything to offer, I just look at him, and it's all better. I know he is the way he is because that's the way I raised him. Growing up, he listened to me and did what I told him, that's why in three years he's been promoted from floor employee, through 4 levels of management, and currently acting as the next level supervisor, and will probably be offered the job depending on what happens with the current supervisor. This is after he turned down one promotion because he didn't feel he had enough experience. Then he followed my advice, to get the credit rating he has. I always hoped he would turn out good, we all want that for our children, but he turned out so much better than I could have hoped for. He always puts those he cares about ahead of himself, within a safe limit.
So that's where I am. I think what bothers me the most is that despite all the good around me, I am still so depressed. There is no reason for me to be depressed, I know that, but I can't stop, I can't have hope. Maybe once all this is finalized, I can settle down. So what's going on with you?
On this end: I have been in an intense program in behavior modification. IM DONE!!!!!!
During this process for some reason I felt alone. I cant even explain it. Its like the more I do to be productive the more I feel alone. I will be honest and admit..I dont understand why Im still single. I have been burnt out and wanting the companionship of someone I can touch..ya know
Depression set it, but I knew in had to finish this course. Now that Im done I retreats back to this place of loaning for a relationship..whats wrong with me