Hey rk4262! Glad to hear from you, however not under these conditions.

First let me assure you I understand the depression. Also, as a mandated reporter myself I know the process you endured. That's why I'm very cautious before I make any claims. When it comes to innocent caregiversbeing accused, its much more than an investigation...it's a NIGHTMARE. I see children with bruises all the time from a number of things. Some social worker rather be safer than sorry and that's understandable. Then there are those with an axe to grind. At the end of the day: I'm glad that at the end of the day the allegations were unfounded. However the residue of the experience will take time to process.

rk4262 I find also is that our feelings are NOT OUR FRIEND most of the time, because they change and they lie. Just because we may have failed in some areas, our feeling makes us feel like a failure which is further from truth. WE will find our feelings and facts are two different things.

We all fall on hard times. There goes those feeling of maybe being a loser because you have to get money from your son. How does he feel when you get money from him? He may feel privileged that he could help his parent out. My son desires to do more for me, and yes I take money from him, and don't feel bad....lol

rk4262 just reading your story I'm amazed you are still alive to share it. You are remarkable. You could have let your health issues cause you to give up. Here you are giving the best possible life to a child you adopted. Being a great father and husband. Still trying to make sure you can be dependent on inspite of your needs.

Things will get better. I'm so glad you are in therapy. Let those sessions be where you can take care of you. My sessions were the best. I felt I could be weak instead of strong for a change. Your therapist over time can help you be ok with breaking down. You know it took me 3years to grieve my dad because I wanted everyone else to be ok. That's not healthy, nor an admission of weakness. It actulaay shows how strong I really am.

My dad had bipolar and would experience SAD. Always around the holiday he would go into a dark depression.

Glad you reached out to us. We are here for you

Dear IWA, thanks so much for your reply. I see my therapist every week, well almost every week, I go in and the first little while of the session he lets me whine and cry and just feel sorry for myself, he knows I need to do that for a change. Instead of forcing myself to be the strong one, just for a little while I need to be weak. Then the rest of the session, he kicks me in the butt and makes me look at things the right way. He makes me see the truth in things, so that I can overcome them.

However, he is actually a faith based counselor, and has never even talked to someone that has my issues. Luckily I have always been a very analytical person and have developed reasonable explanations for a lot of the feelings I have, and the first couple of sessions I explained those things to him. When I first started seeing him he believed that sexuality was a choice, now however he understands that in most if not all cases it's not a choice. OK, I need to say this, I am speaking for myself and no one else, when I was seventeen and finally admitted to myself that I have the feelings I have, and that I am attracted to other men, and I finally admitted to everyone that knew me that I have these feelings, I had a choice. I look back at it now and I can see that if I had gotten the help I needed for all the things that had/were happening to me, I could have made other choices. But at that moment, with the situation I was in, facing the things I was facing, and dealing with the demons I was dealing with, I could see no other choice. It did not appear to be a choice, it appeared to be the only option I had. I could see nothing else. It was go down that road, and live that life, or suicide, what kind of choice was that? The chance of me getting the therapy I needed however was non-existent. Therapy was for people that were crazy, and needed to be institutionalized. and I wasn't foaming at the mouth, so I didn't fit that category. Again, that was just my circumstance, no one else's. After talking with my counselor for a while though, he has completely changed his way of thinking. I have printed stuff off the internet to give him, I have given him different websites to look at, so that he could understand my feelings. He did his homework, and he now understands as well as someone can that doesn't have these feelings themselves. He was willing to challenge his own way of thinking, and to put in the time to investigate what I told him, he spent hours reading forums so he could understand how I felt, so he would know how to help me. I couldn't ask for a better therapist.

Despite all of that, I needed to rant and rave, I needed to bitch (sorry), cry and complain to other people that had lived through what I have, and that really understand. People that have had the same feelings of despair that I have. I am so glad I found this group. Three weeks ago, because my health was so bad that I couldn't actually get out of my recliner, except to go back to bed, I spent most of my day online. I was actively monitoring and responding to questions on 16 different support boards of various topics. I spent most of my day helping other people, because that's what I've done my entire life. As a teenager, and young adult, I was always the person that everyone else came to when they needed help. I was always the person that stayed calm in the middle of a crisis. I was always the one that could solve any problem. I talked to God only knows how many parents to keep my friends out of trouble. I took the blame for so many things, because no matter how bad it was, if I said it was my fault the parents were ok. I heard so many parents say that "If it was my fault, then it had to be an accident/unplanned/whatever, or if it was a mistake in judgement, then I didn't do that very often so they could forgive me". Little did they know. lol. I went to the police station several times and talked one of my friends out of trouble. I knew a couple of cops personally, and could pull strings, and the parents never knew the child had been arrested. A friend was driving to fast on a gravel road one night, lost control, and we finally stopped when one of the front tires dropped off a bridge. The car was actually rocking a little, that's just how close we came to major disaster. Everyone in the car was panicking, the driver actually passed out, she was so scared, I calmed everyone down, walked about a mile back to a house, talked the gentleman into taking his tractor and pulling the car back up on the road, then I drove home because everyone else was still shaking to bad. Of course after I got everyone else home, and I got home and got in bed, I panicked. That was normal, after everyone else would calm down, I would panic, after the fact. That's just who I've always been. But, for the last I guess 10 years that I've been in this condition, I get up in the morning, and the first thing I do, is get on the computer, and I don't turn it off, until I go to bed that night, it's my way of coping with everything. But, the last three weeks, I think I've been online for a total of about twenty minutes, that's how depressed I've been. I needed to unload on someone that could actually understand, instead of being the strong one.

I didn't tell this the other day because it just seems petty and childish to do so. First let me say, I worked at a school for a couple of years, I truly understand the reporting requirements, and normally I would be happy that someone at school was watching for the welfare of my child. I would know that my child was safe at school. However, the night before the first day of school there was a Parents Night. My wife and I overheard the teacher tell one of the other parents, that she did not want "any of those damn special ed students in her class". So the next day, I called the school, and talked to three or four people, and then called the school board and talked to a couple of people, if she did not want my son in her class, then I did not want him in that class, and wanted him moved. District policy however says that once the class assignments are made, and printed they can not be changed for any reason at all. We looked at pulling him from that school and putting him another district, but to do that we would have had to move, and that just wasn't feasible. After me calling the school board about the issue, the teacher was reprimanded, and it went in her file. It's just human nature that I have to wonder if this was retaliation. We have some best friends that have a child in the same classroom as our son, he comes home from school and tells his mother that when the kids finish all their school work, they can play games on the computers, all except the special ed students, she will actually tell them they can't because they are so bad that she knows they will break the computers. One of the regular students can get a bad grade on a paper, and the teacher will spend a bunch of time explaining the material to the student again. The special ed students are put in a a corner, and made to sit down at recess, or other punishment for bad grades. She has sent the special ed students to the office for a paddling because they spilled their milk at lunch, she says they were acting out, even with the other kids, and the assistant teachers saying it was an accident, the regular students, are given another carton of milk, and told it's ok. Unfortunately, our son is not talking very well, and can't tell us what is going on. Maybe it's a good thing, because if he did tell me that was happening, I would be at the school everyday, showing how big of a problem I can be. But, I can't do anything about someone else's child reporting that stuff.

Yes, with all the stuff going on, with all the hopeless situations we are facing, it felt so good to win for once, making the social worker admit that we were not guilty was so great, not because we were no longer under investigation, but because for the first time in no telling how many years, we won something. We faced a situation and came out on top. Something good actually happened to us for a change. It's like a while back, I mentioned about inheriting the money when my Mom passed away, and I felt like that we were finally able to breathe because we had money in a saving account, and I planned on holding on to that money because it was the last thing I would ever get from my Mom, and in less than a week, we had to spend every last penny of it, because of stuff breaking down. This victory was something that could not be taken away, no matter what happened after that, this woman that had the attitude that we were guilty even before she did an investigation, this young woman, fresh out of school, and on the job less than a year, that was on a power trip because she had a little authority, and was trying to push us around because of that little bit of authority, had no choice but admit she was wrong, and clear us of all charges. That could not be taken away no matter what else happened with the case. But, even as good as that felt, even as hopeful as it made us, it doesn't change our situation any.

This is not the first time we've had a problem with one of his teachers, year before last, he had a teacher, that would intentionally antagonize him, just to get him to act up. She actually told me that he needed to learn how to handle situations, and how to behave himself, so she was trying to teach him how to handle things the right way, of course that meant he got punished when he started acting out because of something she did to him. We have an appointment with the special ed directors from two other school districts this next couple of months, to look at the program they offer. The supervisor at the child welfare office told me that I didn't really need to move, that I should go to the school board and demand that they provide the services my child needs, that they are not providing. Several years ago, I would have agreed with her, and I would have done just that. I would have spent the time to teach myself what programs were available, and what he needed, and I would have made sure he got those programs. But, I'm too tired. I have been fighting one thing or three others my entire life. The last eleven years I have been fighting with the normal things of life, and with my health. I think back and I remember what it was like when I was healthy, and just how much I took for granted. Nobody ever thinks about going to the bathroom, but when you spend a couple of years, where you have to have someone else take you, and put you on/take you off the toilet, you learn to appreciate the times you can go by yourself. My whole life, after I moved out of my parents house, every time I went to visit, my mother would give me money. Sometimes it was $20, some times it was $200, but I could not leave until she gave it to me. Of course we had to do this without my Dad knowing because he would've had a fit. There was a time that I told her that "Mom, I make more money than you and Dad put together, I don't need you to give me money." And I did, she said "take it anyway". I knew if I didn't it would hurt her feelings. My point there is I remember what it was like to walk in a bank with a credit score over 700, and buy a house putting down a large down payment, even though the bank said I didn't need to my credit was good enough. Well, I can almost remember. That was so long ago, that memory is fading. I remember at 18 years old, driving down the road and seeing this brand new car sitting on a lot, making a u-turn going back and less than an hour later driving away in it, because I not only had good credit, but enough money saved up for a good down payment. My Dad co-signed my first loan when I was 16 for $1000, so I could buy another car. I started small, and built up my credit the right way. A few months ago, my middle son asked me to go car shopping with him, because he wanted my opinion before he bought anything, he wanted me to make sure he didn't make a mistake. I not only felt so good because my 27 y/o son still wanted my opinion, but I was so proud of him, he has a good job, making good money, he works for Toyota building cars, but he had listened to me ever since he was a young teenager, and built up his credit, his credit score is like 698, it would be higher but he paid some stuff off too early for it to help him. But, it was also all I could do not to cry, because I started feeling sorry for myself, because I was at that point at one time, and I can't figure out what I did to deserve being in the shape I'm in now, physically, financially, emotionally, and whatever else.

Thirteen years ago, my wife and I bought our dream house. The first time we looked at it, we walked in the door, looked at each other and said this is it. We like the outside, it was very pretty, it was on older house, but it had a lot of charm, there was three and a half acres of land with it, and our son was telling us that he wanted us to buy something so that he could build or buy next door or at least close to us, so that was perfect. Great location, we walked in the kitchen, and there was several archways in the house, huge kitchen, the price was below what it was worth, we fell in love instantly. A year later, my health went bad, a year after that we lost the house. We rented a trailer for about a while, then we noticed a house close to us that was empty, we tracked down the owner, it was his mothers house, she was in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, doesn't remember her own name, and he just wanted to get rid of it, but it was in her name, and legally he couldn't sell it until she dies. She isn't competent to sign any legal papers so he's kind of stuck. He told us though he would sell it to us for $20,000, it's worth at least $60,000, he is up in age, and just can't take care of his own property and this one too. He also said that since he legally can't sell it, he would do a rent to own with us. That way we can all do what we need to do. My wife likes the house and where it's located, I don't dislike it, but just not happy either. But we're over halfway of having it paid off, and now we are talking about moving again. To get our son in a good school, and get him the help he needs, it will be worth it. But, I also hate to walk away from what we've paid so far. If we move now, it'll be just like we were just renting, even though we will know that we had so much invested and just walked away. Even though I'm just not happy here, I don't want to think about walking away from the investment either. I have just gotten to damn tired to spend the time and energy figuring out what programs my son needs and making sure he gets them, when the school should be doing that. If I can move and put him in a school that is going to do the testing, and is going to decide based on their years of college and experience what classes he needs, and then they are going to make sure they do what has to be done to provide those tools to him. Then why should I stay here? For me to do that, I would basically in one summer have to teach myself what usually takes five or six years of college and then numerous other years of experience to learn. Between the cognition problems from the fibromyalgia, and the the memory problems from the medication, I really don't think there is any way for me to ever learn that information. I really need to let someone else do this, with me just being involved with what is going on. You have children, you know you do what's best for them no matter what that means for you. Then you have to ask, what if I do spend the time, and learn this stuff, and I do go to the school, and the school board, and demand and force them to provide the classes he needs, that they are required by law to provide, but what happens to him, when they know that I'm being such a trouble maker? Are they going to take out their anger and frustration on him, because they are mad at me for being such a trouble maker? Do I want to take that chance? Can I afford to move? If we move our rent will go up at least $300 a month, we can't pay the bills now, how are we going to swing that?

When I was seventeen, I came to a fork in the road of life. I looked at my life, and my situation, and my past and I felt I was forced to take a certain direction. Even though I had refused to accept that direction for a long time, the other roads were blocked, they were impassable, they were either flooded out, or a bridge had collapsed or something I really had no choice but too go a certain way. I look back now, from atop this hill on this side of the fork, and I can see that there was a path around that collapsed bridge, it wouldn't have been easy but if I had been careful, I could have drove around it. It was there and available and I couldn't see it. Because I see that path now, I regret making a lot of the decisions I made as a young adult. I regret taking the roads I took. Now I'm in the same position, I'm at a fork in the road, and it appears that all the options are blocked off, all those roads closed. I have to decide how to proceed, how to get around the obstacles in the way. This road a bridge is out, no way to cross the river, over here there was a rock slide, the mountain pass is blocked by boulders, over here the road isn't finished, I would just be driving off road for a while, and I don't have a 4X4. I know that at some point in the future I'm going to look back and be able to see what I should have done, I can only hope that is the decision I actually made. Looking at my past decisions, I don't have a lot of hope I do choose the right one.

Sorry this is so long, I just really needed to get all this off my chest, and I'm sorry for some of the language I used, I needed to say exactly what was on my mind.

hang in there. i am very familiar with parent responses to the child welfare system. i was an er worker for cps...the agency in the county i worked for had a very healthy philosophy within a very difficult system to operate. however i've worked for another county who was bass ackwards. it always comes down to the law and the courts and the judge. they set the tone.

any marks on a child with special needs are subject to question/investigation/intervention. i'm sorry you have to jump through hoops. it doesn't sound like the social worker was very good. it is our job to investigate it is the judges job to decide. we collect and present evidence. if it is unfounded it stops there. if it is founded it goes on to further investigation. again they are looking to the law on what the court needs to hear to either close the complaint, open to to voluntary services/extra support or open the case reunification or maintenance in the home services. the goal believe it or not is to not remove the child from the home. there is not enough foster care in the world to remove every child for minor complaints. kids under 3, kids sexually abused, kids with special needs or other disabilities are higher on the list. severe neglect or medical neglect will be removed from the home until the home is cleaned within a certain time.

it is a good idea your friend had to send a note to school regarding any marks on your child. ....hopefully the teachers can support your claims of the child's temper tantrums/hitting himself. this is very common in delayed kids autistic or not.

after saying all of that i'm so sorry. how frustrating!! it's awful to be accused of seomthing we didn't do let alone to our children. please try to understand that for every good parent out there there are just as many or more bad parents. the system is incredibly broken and imperfect but it's the only way to protect kids whose parents aren't protecting them. there is no easy way to sort these things out. certainly parents with higher levels of frustration and grief due to having a child with special needs are more at risk for acting that frustration out physically even non abusive parents react physically in anger sometimes....

if there is a "file" on your family they have seen all the complaints in your file and after awhile begin to draw conclusions. if there are multiple unexplained events it begins to look like a pattern. not saying you do but that's what happens in CPS. complaints that are unfounded with certain families will ALWAYS come back through the system IF there is in fact abuse going on. in that case as a social worker if a case was unfounded i would know and trust that it would come back in a different complaint at a later date and therefore i would be able to intervene at some point. after a pattern is established. some kids i wanted to remove desperately and couldn't and some kids i could remove but really didn't want to. kids have died that should have been removed and that have been returned too early. most cases involve domestic violence and addiction and legal problems... just don't want you to take it personally though it feels so very personal. the system sucks. it does. it does feel personal. it is a pain in the ass and yet it's what we have... you can feel good about the laws and social workers and the judges and teachers out there trying to protect and serve your child. we care. no one does it who doesn't care. it is a relief when some complaint is unfounded and never comes through the system again.... hang in there...your child is safe and doesn't sound like at risk from being removed baed on what you have presented.. that is a fear...just a fear. that is not cause to remove a child from his home. sometimes we just need to get in the door to assess for dv and sub abuse....

fibro sucks. i have it too that's why i'm not longer a social worker. the stress was too high. i had to quiet my job and my career. i miss it terribly. it was my identity. b/c of fibro i have had several bouts of major depression. once in the hospital for suicidality for 2 weeks. sad is very real. i have a good friend with it... ti's terrible on her. she has a light that helps....and you can have your vitamin D levels checked b/c with fibro that's often low. mine is really low even with supplements. but vitamin D is associated with depression.

okay that's all my fix it stuff....my heart really went out to you when i read your post.. it sounded like a lot of things seem out of your hands and that can lead us to feeling victimized. pain often leaves me feeling that way.

please do something nice for yourself every day....writing in here was great! we can be here to support you!!

Hey everyone, I'm a bit late...but I'm here.

Rk, wow, that's a lot to go through. Thank you for opening up and being real with us about what's been going on.

First, I'm really sorry you had to go through that hell with CPS. A lot of times, people call for fear of losing their jobs or their licenses. I'm a social worker, and part of that comes with the whole "mandated reporter" thing. I actually got written up for not calling the same day a child made a complaint to me (I called three days later), the write-up was placed in my personnel file eventually led to my termination on one job (amongst other things.) There's also a matter of keeping my social work license...I hate to say it, but some people call out of fear of losing their job or license...not because they truly believe a child has been abused--because the laws are very strict and don't allow for gray areas it seems--at least, some agencie are more strict about it than others. And yes, some people retaliate---even some kids call CPS on their parents when they don't get their way or if they are mad at their parents and want to get back at them. So there are many gray and sticky situations with CPS.

With your situation--that's just awful that you had to deal with that stress, and especially with someone who wasn't being professional or objective and was just looking to have you guilty as charged without knowing the full situation. I'm glad you backed yourself up with records from your child's doctor. That helps a lot.

As for this teacher who made that comment, she sounds like she's in the wrong field and has a huge bias against children with special needs. I'm glad you called the school board and complained--she had no right to say what she did, and even if she had that thought--well, now that you know about it, it will show in how she treats the students.

I know it seems you have a lot going against you with bankruptcy, the health issues, and this recent issue with your son...but you are so strong and resilient, Rk. Really, you are. And you are taking good care of yourself by seeing a therapist. Your therapist sounds really open minded and willing to learn and understand where you are coming from. That's a great quality for a therapist to have. It's good that you gave yourself that time to cry, vent, whatever you had to do. You are going through a lot right now and you need hat time to really just let it all out. Keep venting, keep letting it all out. That's the best thing you can do, and you know we are here for you.

So glad to hear from you all. I have been down with the flu for the last week. Thank goodness I didn't get it bad. Sorry for late checking in.

That sucks, IWA. I hope you feel better asap!!!

I pulled up this page with plans to respond to the responses since the last time I posted. But I can't. I knew what I wanted to say, but I got here, and all I can think of is just how tired I am. I'm tired mentally and emotionally. Yes, my body is on the edge of shutting down, but the bigger problem is the emotional/mental fatigue. Have you ever been in one of those situations where something happened, and it affected you so bad emotionally/mentally that all you could do is sit there and say "I don't know"? I've passed that point, "I don't know that I don't know what I don't know". I completely forgot everything I was going to say, and I can't focus long enough to try to remember what it was.

I just, I just don't know. I've actually got to the point that things are so bad, that I don't even know what's wrong. I know there is a lot of bad stuff going on, but I couldn't tell you what any of it is. I just want to go to bed, and sleep until everything's better. unfortunately, I can only lay down for so long at a time, then I have to get up, then I can only stay up for so long before I have to lay down. My cell phone has eleven different alarms for me to choose from, when I lay down during the day I will only lay down for an hour or so at a time, just enough to get me through to bedtime, so maybe I'll be exhausted enough that I can sleep through the night, with the help of my sleeping pill anyway. After about two, two and a half hours I start hurting so bad that I have to get out of bed, and sit up for a couple hours until I'm hurting bad enough from sitting up, and feel that I could actually sleep, then I go back to bed. I am just so freakin exhausted. I'm sitting here, over an hour since I started typing this, and I have no idea what to say, and I don't have any idea what just happened on the tv that I've stared at since I got up this morning.

rest rk..just rest. take a deep breath and breathe it all out and rest your little brain..............

I've been in therapy for a couple of months now, and I'm beginning to wonder if it is hurting more than it's helping. My head knows that things need to be dealt with, and that you have to go through the fire to be purified, so things are going to get worse before they get better, but my heart is saying it can't take much more. There are things coming up that I had made myself forget, and I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this, I really don't know how I managed to live through it the first time. Now I'm not only dealing with that old stuff, but trying to deal with the present problems at the same time. Unfortunately, the only person I have that I can confide in is my therapist. My health problems have kept me locked in the house so long that I have lost all my friends, all I have is my family that lives in the house with me. For one reason or another I just can't bring myself to open up to them about the things that are hurting me.

I have a wonderful therapist, I have been in therapy a couple of times before, but I am so comfortable with this guy, I can tell him anything. I have never been able to open up to anyone like I can open up to him. I almost hate that I can open up like this, because I'm having to deal with this stuff again. Between everything that is going on, and everything I'm remembering, I just don't understand how I'm going to shoulder all of it. I've got to find a way to get out and meet some people, I just don't know how I'm going to do it.

rk4262...my heart breaks for you. Not because I think your life is such a mess, but reading your post you are really hurting right now.

Is there a fun place you can go just for about an hour?

you tell yourself you can make it. you can. you have. you've done it before you can do it again. you can withstand it one day at a time. that's all you can do. trust. have faith. believe. imagine yourself getting through it, coping well.

i love what i'm whole again said. when i was going through a bought of severe depression my bestie told me to set only one goal. and i said yea, what's that? she said do one fun thing every day!! i laughed of course. yea right. here i was in the hospital feeling suicidal b/c i just had to quit my job and my career and my MFT license exams b/c i was so sick with lupus and fibromyalgia. i had to move back to my parent's house at 20 years old. i didn't want to make it. i didn't want to live. i didn't think i could either. and here she was suggesting to do one fun thing every day??

so i gave it some serious thought. what would be "fun" for a depressed person?? with severe pain?? i made a list and once i had a list for at least 7 days i committed to it. i could't fix anything else in my life. nothing. all i could do was take this as a challenge. but you know what it did for me?? it helped me let go and focus on one simple thing a day. honest to god it saved my life. i was so overwhelmed i can't even tell you. i was angry that everyone around me wanted me to slog through it and get well and want to live again.

i just did the very basic things. bring it back to the basics. wash your face, brush your teeth, make your bed. do one fun thing every day whether that mean putting on fresh pajamas, brushing your dog or cat, making a special cup of tea, wishing on a star, turning on some music....b/c the trick is to trust that life has got you long enough to do something for yourself which is 20 minutes of distraction from a painful reality but not in a fantasy way. get a foot rub. give a foot rub. call an old friend and ask about their lives. show up for someone else.....

i hope what i'm trying to convey is coming out right. setting this goal saved my life. i'm not exaggerating. i learned a lot about life by bringing it back to the basic needs, keeping things simple and just tackling one day at a time with a little "fun" or 20 minutes of distraction (letting go and trusting the universe is on your side).

let me know what you think?

Wow finnmyway that's powerful and great advice. rk4262 it may be weird at first, but just try it.

finnmyway your story my goodness. Like you said on another post "some people have went through worse than you, but some have not". Im one that have not. Moving forward in the mist of physical sickness is another ball game.

rk4262 just try it. A little bit at a time. Movement is powerful. I remember I had an issue that landed me in the hospital bed for 6 days. When I was released they brought the wheelchair. I told them I walked in and I'm walking out. I was depressed but I knew if I allowed that sickness to cause me to stay in bed I wasn't going to recover. I said that to say: movement is POWERFUL. I was walking slow, but I was moving. I was afraid the sickness would come back, but I was moving. I lived in fear for a whole year, but I made myself get up and move. I went to counseling but I moved.

We are pulling for you rk4262

Thanks IMWHA, there's really not anywhere around here to go for fun, especially for someone with a bad back, I mean there is bowling, and rollerskating, but I don't think I need to do either of those. I just don't know, uhmmm, you know how there are sometimes that you get some really upsetting, or frustrating news, and you look around trying to figure out what to do, and finally just say "I don't know"? Well, I'm at a point that I don't know THAT I don't know, WHAT I don't know, so I don't even have a starting point to pull myself out of this.

Going through therapy and working through things, and looking back over my life with a fine tooth comb, I'm not holding anything back like I have in the past, but I have figured out that apparently over my entire life it seems that every 3-4 years I go through one of deep depression stages. It seems to last about a year, then I finally pull out of it. So if that is the case then I'm passed the halfway point. So I'm just hoping that it's over with before long.

Thanks everyone for all the well wishes, I do appreciate it.

Finnmyway, sorry I missed your post to start with, my mind just won't focus on anything. I appreciate your advice, it's almost exactly what my therapist is telling me. He suggested to me to read a book, which I have on my kindle and can't remember the name of. But the point of the book is to start small, and just do one more thing today than you did yesterday. It was written by a very successful man that owns a multi-million dollar company. He started out growing up in the projects, his family was so poor there was nights all they had to eat was Ramon noodles. (If you don't know, it's a small package of oriental noodles that cost about 30 cents apeice). But he started doing one thing a day, then two things a day, etc..etc..., sometimes he would plateau for a week or two or more, but eventually he would be able to add one more thing to his routine, and now he lives in a house that is as big as the entire apartment building he grew up in.