Hello, I looked but didn't see another introduction post, but I never was one to follow the established path. I figure if I am going to be posting here, I should tell you who I am and what I have experienced in my life. The problem then is just what do I tell you, If I told you everything at one time, it would take 4 or 5 threads. So I am going to do it like this, to start with I am 41, married to a wonderful understanding woman, I have been disabled for the last eleven years, with multiple health issues.

I had a very bad childhood, my parents were not the problem, my mom was great, my dad was ok, he is just emotionless, so he comes across as very distant, other than that he is fine. My problems came from other sources. That's pretty much all I'm going to say on that for now. The thing is what I went through, all of that abuse left me emotionally scarred, and part of that was that I needed a man in my life, a man to hold me, and tell me that he was going to protect me, take care of me, and that he loves me. The older I got the more I needed this. So when I was 17 I came out as bisexual.

Over the next few years, I dated a few guys and a few girls. One Friday night i got off work about nine o'clock, I was supposed to get off at five. So by the time I got off, everyone I knew had already started doing whatever they were doing. I was supposed to go out of town with some friends, but had missed my ride, and it was too late to go home shower, get dressed and then go do anything. So on the way home I stopped to get a pack of smokes, and at the store was a guy I had met a couple of weeks earlier at a party, he was there with a friend of mine. So when he suggested we go to his place and watch some movies, and have a couple of drinks, I said ok. I figured if my friend trusted him I could to, even though I didn't really like him. We got to his place, and he told me to pick out a movie and pop it in the vcr, while he fixed us some drinks. I got about halfway through with my first drink, and all of a sudden it hit me, and I knew I was in trouble, he had drugged me. My head was spinning, and I was numb all over, and everything was foggy, almost surreal. I was still conscience enough that I knew everything that was happening, and I could feel everything that was happening, but I could not move, I couldn't protect myself. He raped me twice before falling asleep. Finally the drugs wore off, and I could get dressed and get out of there. I went home, and hid in the closet for a few hours.

I was supposed to work nights on Saturday, so my alarm came on about three o'clock, and I freaked out. What was I going to do, I didn't think I could leave the closet, but if I didn't go to work they would know what happened, I couldn't have that. How could I as a man admit I was raped? I decided that i would have to just find a way to go to work, and pretend that nothing was wrong so they didn't know. Somehow I did just that, I walked into work, and was my normal happy joking self, I pulled it off for twenty years. I hid it from everybody including myself for twenty years.

The one day I was in a psych ward for depression related to my health. I overheard the nurses say that the new girl's roomate walked in on her being raped, but she refused to admit it happened. Later that day we were in a group sessioon, and this girl would not get anywhere near any of the guys, and she was sitting over in the corner, crying and rocking and she kept saying that there was nothing wrong with her,, and she didn't understand why her parents forced her to come in there. After several minutes, my heart was breaking for her, I wanted to help her somehow, but I couldn't help her without admitting what happened to me. Finally I kneeled in the floor in front of her, and I told her she was in a safe place and everyone there wanted to help her, and no one would say or do anything to hurt her. Then I told her she could say anything in that room, then I said, if I as a man can admit that I was raped, in that room there was nothing she couldn't admit. She looked at me for a minute, then jumped to where I was, and put her arms around me, and just sobbed for a few minutes, she finally admitted what had happened. i then had to do some intensive therapy to deal with 20 years of hiding it from myself. Now i am at a very good place, I am able to talk about it with anyone at any time.

There are still a few things in my childhood I can't deal with. But, for the most part, my life is an open book, I can discuss any part of it with anyone. I am at a place where I deal with my issues by talking about them every chance I get. I am active on several support boards, and enjoy helping others with their problems. When I help someone else, it actually helps me feel better about myself. I look forward to posting with all of you, and learning from you, and maybe teaching a thing or two.