Your first step is going to have to be to figure out who you really are. You have spent so much of your life trying to be someone else that you don't really know your true self. Don't wait until you figure that out though, because that's going to take a couple of years to discover, you can't just take a week or month and ask yourself who you are. It's going to happen as you just go through life, you'll look back at a situation that you just got out of, and think, "wow so that's who I am". Just wanted you to be prepared for that experience. It's not how we want to find out, but we appreciate who we are so much more this way.

I can understand what you are going through, since I've been in therapy a large amount of my adult life because of cod, among other things. Yes, you are correct you have been robbed of all those years, but you have to let that go. As long as you are thinking "I have lost so much time", you will never really get better, not much anyway. I spend a good bit of my day saying "Robby forget about that", because I am constantly thnking aboutso many different events in my life that made me worse than I was. But I have learned the hard way that if you allow yourself to think about those times, that it will start to drag you back down. So you have no choice really, if you want to get better, find a way to get over the situation, forgive yourself for your own mistakes, forgive other people that contributed to your problem, stop thinking about the stuff that just happened that made you feel bad about yourself. Don't worry about the future, you can take care of it when you get there, until then there's nothing you can do about it. However, do make goals for where you want to be in the future. Do start thinking about Today. What can I do today that will get me one step closer to my goal. It will take baby steps usually, occassionaly you will make a giant leap, but it's usually small steps you don't even notice until much later when you look back to see how far you've come. Focus on today, don't get distracted by the past or future.

I guess I should say Welcome, you will find a great set of people here, we all look out for each other, and hold each other up when needed. Stick around keep us updated on your situation, and how you are handling things mentally/emotionally, you have a bunch of people here that will care about you, I've got to go right now, but I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Welcome survivor, thank you for posting with us. I agree with everything RK said. It does take time to get to know one's self, and we learn who we are and what we're about as we experience life. Healing is a process, it's step by step, sometimes moving backwards and forwards, what matters is that you're on the path now to healing and learning about who you are. Take care and feel free to post with us.

survivor301 first off, I love your name, because no matter what has happened...you are a survivor.

Thanks for sharing. we all have a story that at some point we didn't know who we are. To be perfectly honest the discovery of self is a life long process. I think when painful situation occurs, it lets us know who we are not. That we don't have to settle for abuse.

Please feel free to post. We have have wonderful advice and its not because we are soooooo smart...lol. Its because we have lived through pain. I tell people all the time, Its not how long its taking to recover. Ist the fact that your our on a journey to wholeness that matters

Thanks everybody. I have accomplished much. I look back at myself at 1980 and cringe. I am not that person. I don't recognise me in that person. Like WOW! As for the present My bitterness about years losy is occasional. But I'm better than I was months back upon the realisation of a possible mental disorder affecting my mother. And I like to pretend psychopathy, because that can be caused by a defect in the brain thus she is not totally in control. So that prevents me from holding a grudge. But talking with her is out. The one thing I know about me is that I'm a much better person than I ever thought possible, now that I know that the issues are totally hers. I'm going to attempt to start up an old hobbie or two that I stopped a long time ago. Now that things are properly compartmentalised I can just merge former fun things with present fun things and life will become more fun. I can hardly wait.

Survivor301, I love your attitude, and the progress you've made. I understand the feeling of talking to her is out, the only reason/ time I talk to my brother and sister is at family dinners, and now that Mom has passed, we don't have many of those, as she was the one that couldn't live without family get togethers. I've still got their numbers in my phone, just in case something happens to Dad, we can get a hold of each other, all though it wouldn't surprise me if he was already buried and I try to call him before I find out about it. As soon as Dad does pass, I will take my phone and block their numbers, and never speak to them again. You see, my sister who is 7 years older than me, just hated me, not only was I the baby but I had a lot of health problems so my parents had to focus so much time on me and she holds it against me, yes even now 42 years later, she blames me like I asked for so many health problems. My brother is 10 years older, and his problem is not only blaming me for being sick, but he is just a sadist in every sense of the word. He is 53, and he's learned how to hide it extremely well, he is now a private jet pilot, and he's lost two jobs in the last 10 years because he had the opportunity to emotionally hurt his boss, and could not pass it up even though he tried. So I do understand a lot of what you went through. If thinking that your Mom had physical brain condition helps you deal with your pain, then go for it, whatever you have to do is completely acceptable and justified.

I'm glad to hear you are in a much better shape than the last time you posted, and the plan to start up an old hobby is a really great idea, that should really help you improve your state of mind. From what I see you've got a great plan in place, and if you follow through completely, there is no reason that you can't be just completely glowing in a few months. But, don't under estimate just how hard it's still going to be to stick to your plan. Not only will you have to continue to deal with and even fight with those old emotional demons, but just everyday life will get in the way of doing the things that you need to do for therapy. There is going to be dozens of reasons most days to keep you from your hobby, there are still going to be times that something totally unrelated happens, that makes it hard to maintain a good attitude toward your mother. Despite all of that, it is possible to not only persevere, but flourish. Good luck, and don't forget we are all here any time you need a support system.

Survior301 we are here to support you. Im glad you are doing better. On our journey we have those days. As a matter of fact I will start a thread sharing my moment I had recently

welcome survivor!!

IWA did you start that thread?? xoxox