Victory Over Victim Community Group
This Board Is Created So That Those Of Us Who Have Been Abused Sexually, Mentally, Financially, Emotionally, Physically Can Rid Ourselves Of The Label "Victim". Even Though We May Have Been Victimized, We Are NOT Victims: WE ARE VICTORIOUS". The Simple Fact That After All You have Endured You Found Your Way To This Page Means Your Are A SURVIOR". Now Let's Not Stop...
I feel like I can't think straight. Since my grandmother passed away and I've had all this work to do for college. College doesn't care if someone passes away and I've found neither really do most people. I've done everything I could to stay on top of my assignments and workload but I've had no time to grieve or just feel sad.
I feel depressed about my life in general. I feel like I'm never going to change and recover from what is wrong with me. I've had no friends for like 5 years and I don't see myself making any, in any time soon. I'm so withdrawn at school and I've just stopped trying to communicate with others. I feel like they all think I'm weird or hate me. I was attending Codepenents anonymous but I don't have time anymore. I also have a lot of trouble believing in a god that cares about me. No matter how hard I try I can't and it just makes me feel bad about myself.
I'm also confused over my sexuality. I feel sometimes like my social isolation is maybe because I'm not straight. I feel more and more lately like I crave to be around gay women. I crave to be around tomboys who wear no makeup and are into technology like me. But there are none where I am and I have no time to go meet them. I watched videos online instead, like gay women's tv shows. I also spent a lot of time yesterday on suicide.org. I'm not planning on killing myself but I keep wishing lately I could just run away from my life or that I have nothing to live for and I don't feel like 'doing it all' anymore. I felt like reading the stories of people who killed themselves would make me feel less like ending my own life.
I feel so stupid too in my classes. I work so hard and everyone seems so much smarter than me. I'm also older than all of them because I went back to college when I was 24. It's depressing to be around people who have their whole future ahead of them and did everything they were supposed to do when they were 18. I had so many mental issues and maturity issues when I was 18.
I feel again like I want to drop out of school because the pressure is just so much to bear. I don't know. I don't know. Thanks for reading.
I feel depressed about my life in general. I feel like I'm never going to change and recover from what is wrong with me. I've had no friends for like 5 years and I don't see myself making any, in any time soon. I'm so withdrawn at school and I've just stopped trying to communicate with others. I feel like they all think I'm weird or hate me. I was attending Codepenents anonymous but I don't have time anymore. I also have a lot of trouble believing in a god that cares about me. No matter how hard I try I can't and it just makes me feel bad about myself.
I'm also confused over my sexuality. I feel sometimes like my social isolation is maybe because I'm not straight. I feel more and more lately like I crave to be around gay women. I crave to be around tomboys who wear no makeup and are into technology like me. But there are none where I am and I have no time to go meet them. I watched videos online instead, like gay women's tv shows. I also spent a lot of time yesterday on suicide.org. I'm not planning on killing myself but I keep wishing lately I could just run away from my life or that I have nothing to live for and I don't feel like 'doing it all' anymore. I felt like reading the stories of people who killed themselves would make me feel less like ending my own life.
I feel so stupid too in my classes. I work so hard and everyone seems so much smarter than me. I'm also older than all of them because I went back to college when I was 24. It's depressing to be around people who have their whole future ahead of them and did everything they were supposed to do when they were 18. I had so many mental issues and maturity issues when I was 18.
I feel again like I want to drop out of school because the pressure is just so much to bear. I don't know. I don't know. Thanks for reading.
First of all thanks for sharing. Secondly, I wish I could give you a hug.
Is there a way you can take off a semester in school. I know you are feeling bad about being a tad bit older than your classmates however, I would suggest being a lil behind than flunking the course. You need a break I sense right now. I think it will help you see clearer and give you time to grieve.
I also want you to not see a "god" loving you or not loving you because of your circumstances and situation. EVERYBODY has hardship. We are not exempt from having lemons thrown at us. However, we are promised to be able to make lemonade out of them. You know my story, but it was "MY FAITH" that kept me . I was angry at my higher power because I felt I was left for dead, but as I continued I realize He was there all the time.
As far as your sexuality...goingup you wont find peace until you find you. I doesn't matter if its being a lesbian or strait, or bisexual. If you restrict who you are, you restrict life for yourself, and you will be miserable. Everybody don't have to agree. Its more important that you agree.
I will say this, you cant walk this life alone...you need someone. We all do. People who kill themselves feel a deep sense of loneliness even with family and friends around. Or they don't see a way out the mess they think they lives have become. Share with someone. Let someone help you sort through your pain. Let someone see for you in your dark time. Let someone love you, even when you don't feel lovable.
I cant promise you an easy road, but I can promise that: this too shall pass.
Love you soooooo much. I'm here for you
Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I also want to say that I totally agree with everything IWA wrote in her post to you.
You sound very depressed. Given the recent loss of your grandmother, the lack of support system (friends, etc), feeling alone---these are all things that can contribute to the sadness you feel (and possibly depression that you are experiencing.)
The hard truth is...life will continue to be life even when someone we love passes away. College goes on. Jobs go on. Grass grows, the moon comes out. I'm not saying that to flippant...it's just how it is and sometimes it can make the person grieving feel very very alone and isolated. As IWA suggested, you may need to take a semester off from school. We all need time to grieve when someone we love dies, we need time to adjust to the emptyness their death has caused. Grief is a process, not an event, and it can be difficult to grieve, go to college, continue working a job--especially when all those feelings are overwhelming you. It also may help tremendously to join a bereavement support group where you can meet others who are in a similar situation so that you don't feel alone.
You can change, Goingup, you can recover, you can heal. However, based on what you've shared here....again, I would strongly encourage you to seek professional help. I'm so glad you were going to CoDependents Anonymous...that was an excellent first step. I think going one to one to a therapist might be very helpful. There are many things you are struggling with--lack of support, death in the family, knowing who you are, being comfortable in your own skin, finishing college, unsure of your belief system and God...etc...That really is a lot and I can see how it would be overwhelming for you.
Your sexuality is your own. Does your college have a GLBTQ (Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Queer) group on campus? Are there any that are in your community? Being around this group may help you to learn about yourself especially if you do not identify as straight. As IWA said, you gotta find yourself. Everyone doesn't have to agree, -- it is you who has to agree with yourself.
With your college classes...let me tell you...just because the students are younger than you doesn't mean they have their lives figured out. I can't speak for every student in your class, I can only speak for myself when I tell you that I went to college at age 17, I graduated at age 21---and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at that time. If you had told me at age 21 that 10 years from that time---that I would be a hospice social worker--I would've looked at you like you were nuts. There is no age when you are "supposed to do things". As long as you are alive and on this earth, there is time for you accomplish, to learn, and to grow. It takes time to find out who we are, to find our niche, our job/career, our joy(s) in life. Age is not an indicator of maturity, however, I will say that in my experience, I found that older students sometimes were more mature than the younger students because they have lived life longer and sometimes had more life experience. Sometimes..not always. But again, age isn't an indicator that you know what to do with your life...it just isn't. Age just shows the number of years we've been on the planet since the day of our birth. That's it.
Please--don't drop of out of school. You are so close to the end. When you graduate, this will be a major accomplishment for you, something for you to be proud of. Take it day at a time, Goingup. Don't give up on yourself. Take it a step at a time and know that I'm here for you always.
I really appreciate your caring responses. I felt kind of embarrassed after I posted what I did, esp about my confusion over sexuality. I'm glad you guys are not homophobic. Maybe I do need to get out and experiment more. I did go on one date with a girl like 5 years ago but she wasn't for me. I didn't try after that. I'm still really unsure. Maybe I'm just bi. I always got crushes on guys 'from afar' never girls. Anyways. I could think about it forever. I need to get out there...at some point...I think.
I'm feeling a lot better. I guess because it's the weekend I've had a day to de-stress and get an actual ok night of sleep. I'm not over my grandmother passing away...it's one of those things I just have to take kind of day by day.
IWA...I know how important faith is to you and I always respected that. I just wish I could also truly believe for myself. I just can't honestly believe in a higher power that is always there...it's one reason i feel so frustrated with myself going to codependents anonymous.
Anyways thank you both...so much...everything you say just helps me feel not like crap
Please don't be embarrassed about discussing your sexuality. It's important to you and it's okay to struggle with your identity, to be uncertain. It is possible to be bisexual or bi-curious. Give yourself time to go out and there and meet people.
I'm glad you are feeling better. A night of sleep makes a difference. Your grandmother just passed away and grief takes time...and no one can tell you when your grief is "over". Some people grieve for all their lives...some it lessens over time although they still miss and love the person who's died. Grief is said to have various stages...in no particular order either: anger, shock, depression, bargain, and acceptance. I posted a link about it.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617
You can believe in a higher power---and still get help at Codependents Anonymous. I came here for a crisis back in 2011 and I've been seeing the same therapist for years now. It doesn't mean I lack faith in God or a higher power. I believe in having faith and in God...and I also believe that God puts people in our lives to help and encourage us too. So even if you go to CD Anon, and still have faith--it's okay.
I'm glad you are feeling better. Take life a moment at a time....
i'm glad you posted what you posted and got a little vulnerable....you are so loved and accepted...
i used to hold on to suicidal thoughts in my fantasy life for years and years. just fantasizing about it b/c i felt like if i really couldn't take it in the end i could always back out...that i wouldn't be forced to endure pain of that intensity..
do you think the depression is related to questioning your sexuality?? if you were gay what would that mean to you?? we all have a tribe going....... we all have a tribe.......
Im by far a professional, however I belive the depression will go away once you embrace your true identity. If you are bi, it doesn't mean you have to prove it by meeting a girl, or man at this time. When the opportunity presents itself...be present. Your feelings will tell you if he/she is the one you want to get to know a little more.
Trust me on this: you are not the only one battling those feelings. I don't know where you live state wise, but here in California its excepted. Now if someone was raised with certain beliefs about sexuality then I see torment as to what others will say .Even that person I would give the same advice. It doesn't matter if its ones belief or not...you wont be happy hiding who you really are. The depression comes because you are locked up in fear of just being you
do you have the resources to go to therapy or life coaching???? i know life coaching could help you TREMENDOUSLY and i could get you a referral to someone i know who specializes in this process....
you are not alone...
can you allow yourself to put yourself out there to meet some new people??? you said you struggle with making female friends in the past... can you do an experiment and just go out and make a new friend? gay straight bi whatever trans?? whatever. just another human being you can do some fun things with??
as hard as it is to live in this in between place and confusion, you don't need to sort it all out right now.... can you think of this as a process that is unfolding as you can handle it? depression is about hopelessness.
my hunch is is that you will not be able to sort this out in your mind alone. you will need some experiences with people. to be willing to feel the discomfort... you can do this at your own pace and safely. i think it would be wise to get some help.....
pm me if you want some life coaching. you can have your life back. nothing has changed me like life coaching has......in the meantime how are you taking care of yourself? are you learning how to have compassion for yourself? be accepting of yourself?? be genlte with yourself?? how are you doing that?
Trust me if anyone understands how you feel it's me. If anyone can sympathize, and empathize, it is me. There is nothing that you feel about yourself that I haven't already felt about myself. You have seen me at some of my worst times, and some of my best times, you understand just how far I have fallen, and how far I've climbed back out on more than one occasion. No matter what you go through, no matter how many times you have to consider the suicide angle, the same way I have, just to give yourself enough gumption to keep going, always know I am here. Having started a part-time job, and now coming down with bronchitis, I don't have the time to stop by as much as I would like, but if you ever need to, then send me a pm, and I will get back to you as soon as possible, usually in just a few hours. .
Love and Peace
Robby