i have been married to the same man for 28 years and together for 30.  He has always been more self serving and distauthan i felt was right but I allowed it to be my fault and did what I could to become perfect.  I raised our three children and cared for the house with little or no help from him.  He worked, pursued a hobby that kept him out at night in bars and played games, watched tv, etc when home. I always felt as if he was cheating but could never prove it and was made to feel jealous, insecure and overbearing when I would bring it up.  Instead of trying to reassure me, he would get mad and refuse to talk about it and say that it didn’t even deserve a response and I needed to just get over my jealousy and insecurities.  He left me twice saying he wanted a divorce and I found out other women were involved although he has claimed to have never had physical relationships with any except me.  He would flirt, talk about how unhappy he was and how he wanted to leave me and be with them.  He would then come back to me and apologize but only after I let him go & stopped fighting to keep him.  I told him the last time he did this that I would not do it again.  Now 13 years later he had done it again, i found out this time because of his behavior so I began to play detective and found he had been texting a women day and night for over a month.  Sending pictures etc.  When I found out I left him and told him to get out.  He claimed they were just friends and I was being controlling like I have always been.  He left and was playing my nd games.  Telling me he wanted us and no longer had anything to do with her but then I would show up where I knew he and she would be and he was there with her.  He started telling everyone that I was stalking him and I was crazy and people stopped talking to me.  During this time I was also diagnosed with cancer and began radiation and chemo and asked him to come home to help me; to which he would say that he was only 20 minutes away and if I needed him he would be there, but he never was because he was too busy pursuing his new love interest.   In January we filed for divorce but before his attorney could file with court he stopped it and asked to come over to talk.  He told me that they had flirted and he would have slept with her but she always had some excuse after telling him to come over.  She is married too and do he never did. He said that he would be done with her if I took him back and I did.  He texted her and told her he no longer wanted anything to do with her and blocked her on his phone and on social media in front of me.  About a week later he came home and said that he would need to continue having contact with her because he was involved in a team sport with her and didn’t want to let everyone else down.  He was not clear about this and i thought it was just for one night and i went with him.  Suddenly he is playing two nights a week, just like before with them and saying that it was my fault because he told me and I agreed to it, but I could come.  When I came with him he made me feel guilty because he was so uncomfortable to have us both together at he same place.  He yhen started going without me again.  I also found out he was still communicating with her via snap chat and two weeks back with me he bought her a pair of $760 boots.  When I confronted him, he claimed to have bought them for me for our upcoming anniversary although they were not my size or my style but were hers.  He said he would just cancel the order and not get me anything.  Fast forward to February when I’m in the hospital after having surgery.  He left the hospital on valentine’s day because he had to get up early for work but then was out until 1:30 in the morning.  I told him to leave before I got home and to tell his lawyer to proceed.  

I have now retained my own attorney and had to borrow money for her fees because he has a trust that he can use but I have only disability income and the money he deposits to pay the monthy bills.  Things have come to a head and I am completely done now.  I began reading Psycopath Free and it has opened my eyes.  All three of my children are grown now and all of them are telling me that I need to divorce him because they grew up with him and felt his devaluing of them and me all their lives.  I am still in the phase if I know what I see and the validation that the book is giving me but still doubting that maybe I’m reading into it or worse yet maybe I’m the psychopath.  He claims I abuse him by spying, by getting angry and spitting venom, not respecting him and constantly nagging him because I felt he was placing importance on all but me.  

As of yesterday I told him not to contact me for anything unless it was related to our kids and he bombarded me with texts asking me to forgive him and asking me to go to a one on one weekend marriage retreat with him.  He is still lying to me and I know it but then I have this nagging voice saying what if you are reading too much into this and he is sincere. What if you are blowing it by refusing to budge.  I need some help and guidance.