I believe in holding people accountable as well. But with a psychopath there's really no point. Anything you give her is more fuel for her to use against you. If it were me (and others will probably disagree on this), I would put that energy into writing her HUSBAND a letter, and fill him in on what's going on. Include any proof because she'll probably try to convince him that you're making it up. I think A. He deserves to know. And B. he might be able to get her under control and end the affair (best case scenario). Worst case scenario would be that it ended their marriage, leaving her free to be with your husband. I think what your husband is doing is worse than what she's doing, at least from your end, because he's married to you. He's cheating on you. I wouldn't worry too much about her end of it and her being the bad guy in this situation. I think your husband is more of the bad guy. He made the choice to do it, he got caught, and he's still choosing to do it.

I agree with AgentSmith. It is very normal to want to have a hand in controlling the situation with a PSN. That we can somehow affect the outcome. But the thing that is really hard to accept is that when you are in a relationship (and let's face it, your husband is triangulating you with her so you are in one with her) with one, the only thing you can do is work with your own actions. That is why NC works. It is the ONLY thing that you can do to affect the outcome. Anything else is playing a game with them and trying to manipulate them back into doing what you want or understand you. You will lose this game because they are better at it. Writing her a letter is a form of manipulation, and I don't mean that in the evil way that a PSN manipulates, because you would like to see something happen due to your letter. It won't. She will get joy from it and keep going. Your husband may be damaged but he is also an entitled jerk (narcissist). He keeps hurting you knowing it is hurting you in order to get what he wants. You say he is not doing this out of joy. I disagree. He is getting some kind of reward and you are paying for it. That is narcissism.

Write the letter and keep it for only yourself, let your feelings pour out. Then read the letter you wrote, you will probably see the situation more objectively when you read the pain you are going through, the pain You feel though will not change the situation.

If your husband cared for you he wouldn't be doing this, it could be that you are in denial and trying to work out a way to make the marriage okay but it takes two for that. It might be time to have some space from your husband, a trial separation, let him go and let him see you can let go of him. Time out may give you the new perspective you need. Do you want to continue living a life like this, it's not healthy for you. All the emotional stress can cause health problems, these people are not worth it.

I am single and so is my bf. 6 years ago we met in front of neighbors' home and they called me the next day and said the guy was interested in all of us going out to dinner. I went and since he had a home in 2 states, I knew he would be back and forth on an ongoing basis. Two days later I received a restricted call about 9 a.m. I was furious - it was my cell phone and so I called my neighbor and told her. She said the guy's long ago ex had called her and said she wanted to warn me about him so the neighbor gave her my number! WTF?

Long story short - the ex psycho typed me pages and pages over the 5 years - I had to change my phone number which police encouraged and lost my email address because she hacked his account and then mine. I was getting over 70 odd spam emails a day. I found out she had written Whore on another woman's car!

I don't know what is the best thing to do, but the State's Attorney officer told me my bf was creating the problem because he never filed a restraining order on her and she thinks she can keep stalking us without facing punishment in court. We have not taken her to court, but I told our friends in our development what has been going on since day one and they have been very supportive. Calls and letters have stopped! I guess I acted crazy enough telling bf I would like to tear her hair out of her head! He told her never to contact either of us or we would press charges. Our fingers are crossed. Psychos are very hard to control because they could care less if they are making you ill.

@ Agentsmith I agree with you. My husband is the bad guy. And it seems in the last 7 weeks that he has been trying to come back to me but 'unable errrr" to get rid of the psycho, it has actually been worse than the affair itself. Before he got busted by me 7 weeks ago he could at least kid himself that he could pull the wool over my eyes, but after being busted, saying and showing he wants to come back, but still being 'incapable' of ridding her , takes it to a whole new level of unbelievability!

@Livintruth I agree with you all except him being narcissistic. He just doesn't fit the traits.

@strenghtinadveristy Thank you for the kind words. I have written a four page letter to her and have not sent it. Of course I am hoping my husband will come back and I don't want to believe he wants to be with her. But as of eleven days ago I have decided to take and give the space. Take space for myself and give space to him as also suggested by our therapist. We are sort of separated in that he left our home a year ago and moved in with his parents. But it wasn't an agreed thing so I basically call that abandonment. He said it was because I fight. Well I'm not sure what most women do when their husband is having an affair right under their nose. I fight! But I also believe he left so he would have more space to be with her without having me seeing what's going on. Just like he blocked me off of his 'whatsapp' so I can not see when he's chatting with her. I definitely know this is not healthy for me or my children. It's been a year and a half now.....and the year of investigating, processing , the whole thing , I've realized that I've already begun the beginning of healing.

@coreen1 Well yes, my husband has no control over his psychobitch or himself.

Glad you are taking space for yourself, what he chooses to do is his responsibility and he sounds to have tried to shift the responsibility of his actions to you. Of course you fight when you have been betrayed, he should be working at reconciliation with you 150 % instead of shifting the blame. His passivity must be immensely frustrating for you as you have children and need to resolve this. I think if you wait for him to make a decision you may be wasting good years of your life, he can't have his cake and eat it. Your life is important, your feelings are valid and understandable. I hope you can move forward without this pain in your life.

@ strenghtinadversity thank you

Raine1 Yes, that's exactly what I have done. I wrote her a four page letter and didn't and will not send it. And yes you are right that's exactly what she did telling me horrible statements supposedly what my husband had told her. That happened one night when I busted in on them and I admittedly was the first one to fire off what my husband said about her. She responded back loaded and with plenty. I don't know if they were lies, he could have very well said those things.

My little girl (12 yrs) this week has also wanted to write her a letter. I told her to go ahead and write it. I spoke to my therapist about sending it, he said absolutely not.

And I realize she will not care. I feel the letter was for me. To show my honesty, my humility. I didn't really care how she would react or not react to it. It was a manifestation of my honesty. But yes at the end of the day the ultimate act is probably privacy. She has already robbed way too much of my privacy. She deserves to know nothing more about me. In fact I don't even want to talk to my husband at all because I realized as long as he is still with her she will always know my business. I hate this tie I have with her I have no control over.

Agreed