Hi All
Haven't posted here in a while. I felt for a bit that I was recovering....like I was starting to feel better about my life and about my experiences with my ex. I even escaped to New York from California for two months just to clear my head. I went to every single museum and attraction. I even did things I would never do like eating alone at a restaurant or going to a bar alone.....
But I came home and my family has been falling apart. My twin brother is estranged from all of us. He doesn't communicate with anyone in my family. I also landed right in the middle of my parents separation/possible divorce, finding out that the people who were once my two role models had been cheating on one another and sleeping around their circle of friends for more than twenty years.

Since coming home I have landed in a deep and dark depression, and can't seem to get out of bed or find any self worth....and all I can think about is my ex.
For those of you who don't know, we were only together for two months. In the beginning of the second month he asked me to marry him (and then two weeks later left me). During the first month he told me he wanted me to move in with him, that he wanted to see me every day, he wanted to start a family with me and he wanted me to be the mother of his child. He was divorced and had a four year old boy. At the end of the first month I told him I was in love with him, I fell for him hard...and he said he loved me too. But when he broke up with me he told me I was bipolar, that I was "crazy" for telling him I loved him. He said, what kind of person tells someone they love them after a month? He denied any of the "feelings" he had for me and basically told me I was crazy. I just keep asking myself...why would he ask me to marry him? Why would he tell me I was the love of his life, if he just denied it at the end and left me broken? He was 30 and I just turned 22....why couldn't he just consider our age difference, and maybe how much saying those "serious" things, like talking about marriage, could torment me for the rest of my life?

Two months after he broke up with me, I desperately tried to see him again. He texted me out of nowhere, asking me to come over. He slept with me, and said things like, sleep over next week, I had such a good time with you tonight.
And then I NEVER heard from him again.

I think I cried for a year and a half, straight. I thought about suicide, multiple times. Abused xanax. Started drinking a lot and sleeping with a lot of people and was severely depressed. Refused to eat, lost about 20 pounds in a few months.

And here I am. I watch my family fall apart and think about the fact that I am jobless and can't escape my thoughts....I also think about how lonely I am. I don't have/trust many friends. I PUSH every guy away that I date because I am so heartbroken still....and am still waiting for a guy to replace my ex.

What do I do???
Will this pain ever go away? I feel so lost. All I do is just blame myself for losing my ex. And I feel such intense loneliness..........