Most people relapse, and that is what you did. Forgive yourself, starting now. Do not sweat the, "he's turning it around on me!"..."This is so insane/unfair"...cycle of obsessive thinking. He's sick and cruel and it has zero to do with you. It will never EVER make sense and it will NEVER be fair or good. It's so hard, but, no contact is the only answer. They are masters of manipulation.

For me, Zoloft and talk therapy helped a lot.

My ex kept doing the same, 'this is the final time I'll talk to you', 'never again', 'you are a waste of space', etc etc, then send a million more messages, mostly telling me how bad a person I am, how he's wasted his time on me, (even though I paid for everything, he rarely worked, he sat around doing nothing but control me in my house when he had his own, stopped me from seeing my friends, etc etc)but yeah, I was the bad guy as I couldn't deal with his behaviour any more, especially the cheating on me last year, which was obviously MY fault aswell, so now I'm guessing after a month he's probably got a new victim, I really hope I never find out as it still hurts!

It is really hard to get back to normal life after being controlled so much, I still think when I talk about it he can somehow hear me? I delete the history on my laptop still, on my mobile, as he always checked these things, and I'll get punished, some things are really hard to remember how to be just 'normal' again.

I heard Tom Selleck's character in "Blue Bloods" say, " I don't mind perps. They're the reason I have this job." Must be the same about the Anti-social personality Disorder populations, their victims, and the legal community. It's become a lucrative business. Is this why continuing education doesn't address the travesty that is the aftermath of victims' lives?

Here is an excerpt on ignoring from What Makes Narcissists Tick...

They are beneath your notice, which makes you God Almighty. An example is the narcissist in a restaurant who won't look at his family or join in the conversation. While there's food on his plate, he stares at it. Before and afterwards, he turns his chair a little aside and stares intently at some fascinating feature in the corner of the ceiling, thoughtfully resting his chin between the thumb and forefinger of the arm he props up at the elbow so he can ponder the mysteries of it for twenty minutes straight. Another example is the narcissist who makes a big show of coming to visit his dying wife in the hospital. But he never talks to her or even looks at her. He goes
straight to the window, keeps his back turned to her, and stares intently at some construction work going on in the parking lot below. Yet another example is the narcissist who works nights and won't even yell at his children when they raise a ruckus to awaken him early. That would acknowledge their presence, so, no matter what, he can't do that. It would be a come-down for
God Almighty to even know they're there. When he meets people he knows, he avoids eye contact — you know, that momentary eye contact that amounts to recognition and acknowledgement of your presence. By acting like he doesn't see you or refuses to look at you, he shows that he's not open to an exchange of greeting. In distant settings, he is portraying himself as distinguished — important or famous — by treating you as just another face in the crowd of "the unwashed masses." Thus he says, "You aren't worthy of my notice." Or "You are so insignificant that I don't remember ever meeting you. I don't recognize you." In the workplace, a severely afflicted narcissist is brazenly rude in doing this. When he meets you, he avoids eye contact with a scowl. As if expecting him to acknowledge your presence were an imposition. As if saying "hi" to people you know is silly or phony or something. As if he is above that. As if this age-old universal rule of courtesy does not apply to him. Either way, he's exalting himself at your expense: you are beneath Superman's notice. For, in his twisted thinking, his falling short of the common standard of civility makes him superior. (Then scoring an "F" makes one superior to someone who scores an "A," right?)

This also applies in romantic relationships. This is their game. They can feel superior, in control, and that they win by ignoring a victim. He probably used this technique on you because you went NC on him. The NC is the only way to affect a PSN. He is using that against you with one HUGE exception. He does not mean it. He is using it to play games and manipulate but he will be back. If you are patient he will come back. Do not break NC at that point. My ex right now has made contact more than a year later. We have a son who is 13 months old. He abandon us during my pregnancy and has not spoken to me since. He knew this was the only way to hurt me and also because he is a selfish prick who would not put his son first. He has now resurfaced and wants to find out about our child. I am a wreck over this and very cautious because of the manipulation and selfishness that he is bound to bring with him. PSN LOVE the silent treatment but on their own terms......they always come back eventually though.

Thank you for the help and reminders!

@LiveinTruth - I really like what you said about how this is a move that he is "using to play games and manipulate"....I dont know why that still doesnt occur to me...i always say "why is he doing this" first and foremost and it takes time or someone telling me that it is a manipulation to recognize it. Also,I hate knowing that he will be back eventually....a week from now, a year from now, 5 years from now...Ugh. I don't want it to happen but in the meantime you have to constantly worry about when its going to happen. I guess you can say that if the purpose is to create pain and anxiety - it definitely works! Its so enraging that they get to do this. If i could erase my memories I would.

I also get inclinations to try and get my exP to react or contact me....its like I'm playing the games now. I know i dont want to talk to him but some disturbed side of me says to myself "contact him and see if you can get him to break his word and reply. I'm devastated when he doesn't and i'm devastated when he does. Its a horrible cycle :S

@samsungblue - i know the feeling! I can have no-one around me....but it's like I can feel his presence or feel as though he can see me and I cant see him. I get this feeling that he is searching for me or looking into me.....so I start to do the same thing. I hate myself for it. Its like at times I have ZERO self control! It's such a strange feeling to have someone exist so strongly in your presence and then be gone....but still feel them around you. They are never really gone. I wonder if it is the effects of the abuse that linger. I wonder how to recover from all of it.

@Togglebolt - I have SUCH a hard time with accepting that it will NEVER make sense!! I totally agree but its taking so much time to give up on trying to find some all encompassing understanding that i feel would release me from this whole experience. I've become so obsessed with the why's and the how's and the how to's and the why not's. Around and around and around I go in my head. :(

Oh my gosh. Those who have children with these psychopaths (I have three grown adult children ages 26, 32 and 36) be very observant of these psychopathic traits in your own children because this disorder is genetic. I have suffered over 20 years of teenage, young adult total rebellion, cruelty, unbelievable financial devastation, physical and severely traumatic emotional abuse. I suffered severe depression and took a whole bottle of clonazepam in hopes I would not wake up and then maybe then one of them would care. I did wake up though and am now at a point where I have established NO CONTACT with each of them. They have even used my grandchildren against me not allowing me to see them. None of them graduated high school. Couldn't be bothered. There lives are disastrous and only associate themselves with criminals, other ignorant, rude people. I know it is devastating to get out of a marriage or partnership with these abusive people, but there is not much help for parents of sociopaths out there. I have lost all friends, almost lost my life and sanity because as a mother (who has loved her children more than life itself and tried so hard to keep them on a good path but each one took a bad path) it is the most devastating of any abuse I have ever went through including the abuse I received from my own parents. I was born with a conscience, thank God. I now am rebuilding my life at age 59. I am a Registered Nurse so can rebuild financially. Emotionally, well, that will take time but I am determined to never break my NO CONTACT with each of my children no matter what. Even for the grandchildren, because that is how they control you, by using their children as pawns. I cannot watch my grandchildren being neglected so I went in to Child Protection Services and told them my story and what I have been witnessing for three years and they are now following my youngest daughter who is on wellfare, has a 3 and 2 year old and due for another baby Apr 30 with a different man she only knew for 2 months. I worry about my grandbabies but I left everything in God's hands now and Child Protection Services. I am amazingly feeling better after only two months of NO CONTACT!!!

Protect Yourself,
I understand how you feel. I've been with a NP for over five years and recently figured out that that is who he is. I went no contact for over two months recently and started feeling really great, waking up in the morning with a smile on my face as I looked forward to the day. Then while on a trip to Spain I saw someone who looked exactly like the NP and when I returned home, I heard from the NP. He apologized profusely, etc. and I fell back into his web of deceit.

What triggered my discovery of his NP personality is years of weird excuses, lies, and constant no-shows despite his professions of deep love for me. Things just didn't add up. I learned through some undercover work on my part that he'd been living with another woman. When I found this out, I quietly walked away without even saying anything to him so he thought it was for the usual reasons of his constant no-shows.

When he contacted me and we saw each other, I told him what had learned about the other woman. Of course he denied it even though before then I received a weird email months before from someone saying that he had a new woman. Well, it wasn't even a week and the drama started up again. It's been three months now and the drama hasn't stopped--emails from the other woman, his constant lying, no-shows, but he still professes to love me while claiming not to be living with someone else when his vehicle is clearing parked outside the other woman's condo.

So I've resumed no contact. It's been four days. I understand when you say somedays you think of ways to get a response. I do the same and then talk my way out of it because I know all it will lead to is more hurt. I've been going to counseling for a couple of years and it's helped, but I think I need to find a counselor that specializes in emotional abuse. That's what we've experienced. But it starts out so subtle that we don't notice it until the discard. When the discard happens, we are so devastated because, with me the first time, I didn't expect it. (That's an entirely different post). The first discard I had no clue about sociopaths and the like.

With the first discard, I had to go on Wellbutrin because I didn't know what hit me. I experienced lumps in my breast from the grieve. The second discard was equally devastating and I experienced massive vaginal bleeding. Close to the third discard I ended up having back surgery. So as you can see, the stress the experiences with NP causes on our bodies and emotions is so damaging. The only way to survive is no contact. What we miss about them is the goodness they showed us to lure us into their web, but remember all that was fake. That was and is the hardest thing for me to accept. Visiting this site reminds me of the reality of what/who I'm dealing with. It does break my heart because I truly loved this person more than anyone I had ever loved. So yes, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do--having no contact--but for my own survival I have to remember that it's a must.

Major game playing on his part .. It almost triggered bad feelings for me reading that! Cognitive Dissonance - what a messed up son of a bitch ... pathological self denial .. This is how they tramp on your boundaries .. how much will you put up with before you break? .. feeling around your psyche for buttons to press .. watching your reactions ... sniffing out weakness the only way out of the drama is to cut them off completely.... As painful as that is to get your head around, taking back control of your life is the only way out of the fog. Refusing to put up with the drama, refusing to be drawn into interaction, refusing to read messages/texts (change your phone number/email addresses if possible). Not allowing them any control over how we think/feel. There are no excuses for the way they behave .. none whatsoever ... you are absolutely right in what you say ... 'I'm just dumbfounded that they can do such disgusting things for so long' (believe it .. for the sake of your sanity and self worth)

Everyone relapses and falls back into the abyss .. don't be so hard on yourself. No-one here will judge you on that score, because in one form or another, we have all been there. The hardest part of the healing process is getting it all to sink in properly. It's hard to imagine someone not having a conscience, not being able to feel remorse or guilt for their actions. We are almost programmed to believe that everybody has some *good* in them! The process of re-programming yourself to the belief that perhaps that is not actually the case at all is a difficult one.

Tonight I looked at some old pictures and I am noticing the evil in the eyes. I remember when he first contacted me online (how we met), I looked at his eyes for a long time in his pictures to see if I could detect anything. I spoke to him on the phone for quite awhile before I met him. When we finally met, he seemed so genuine and honest. The tricks they use to lure us in are amazing and so psychologically twisted. Before each discard, he convinced me that we would get married or that I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. When he said it to me a third time, I knew I was about to get discarded a third time.

The woman he is with now contacted me and wanted to know all kinds of information. I told her the fact that she had to email me, that she follows him, that she had to hire a PI should validate her suspicions. She was wanting me to say yes or no that he was still seeing me. I could not say either because I didn't want to face any backlash from either of them. If I said no, then I would have lied for him and if I said yes then maybe he would have retaliated somehow. So the situations they put us in are unfair. Many Rivers, yes, no contact with all parties involved is best!