I'm going to suggest you go to the site Lovefraud.com You can also google it. Particularly look for one the articles titled To Mom and Dad: 9 Reasons your son or daughter.......(something like fell for sociopath) In the past week I have talked to the mother of my S's 2nd victim. Victim no. 2 died with her mom thinking that "Deb" could have said "no" from the beginning, because she was married. I tried to assure that her daughter was not in control when she had no idea that a monster had gotten his clutches into her. Each one of us victims is lured in a different way, but we are lured by someone who only sees us as a means to and end. If they get what they want in the meantime, that's fine with them. If they don't, they always have the next victim to head toward.

No-one is going to judge you here Alison ... I'm sorry to hear you went through this horrible ordeal! I think it's fair to say that you were an easy target for this man - because you had feelings for him in the past! Psychopaths exploit your emotions to serve their own agenda, he slowly backed you into a situation where you would be isolated and unable to tell anyone because of the fear of ruining your marriage. They don't feel remorse or guilt for their bad behaviour. I sincerely hope you have blocked this person from your facebook now .. before you can start to put yourself back together, you have to rid your life of this evil influence. It's a pity you can't call the police on him because in reality as he has committed an ominous crime, and will more than likely do it to someone else .... it's sickening really!

Thanks. I have blocked him from every social network, email and phone. One more thing that makes it even more difficult is that he's a lawyer and has defended against rapists in court. He knew he would get away with it.

(Oops, I meant defended, not defended against)

The good news is that he will eventually orchestrate his own downfall with this appalling behaviour. It's only a matter of time before he trips himself up, or misjudges someone!

Most people who have been married or in a relationship have, at some point, felt the lure of temptation. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the mediocrity of every day life - that a little spark of excitement can seem so much more appealing! You made a mistake, one for which you are now paying dearly already, do not add insult to injury by beating yourself up on a massive guilt trip! You are guilty of being a bit naive and that is all! Despite your (I'm assuming here) salacious conversations with this man ... but no! always means no! What your husband doesn't know won't hurt him, if you're absolutely sure that you couldn't talk to him about it (because you are going to need support) .. rape is a horrifying ordeal! You must be a very strong person to carry this on your own.. having no one you could really talk to about it (who might understand) other than a counsellor!

My husband knows pieces. He knows it was a friend that I thought I could trust. He knows this man was trying to hurt our marriage. That's all I told him. I've been vague and said I hope he forgives me for putting myself in the situation and not realizing what was going on sooner.

I have a small support group who know parts of what happened but not everything. They've all told me (now) that I wasn't behaving like myself (then), that it was like I was under a spell. The term "fog of confusion" makes so much sense now. I think the most difficult part is that my best friend has been a little judgmental saying "the warning signs were all there." In a way I think she blames me.

I'm relieved to be able to talk to a counselor soon and be able to get everything out. I was lying to my friends about the severity of everything, making excuses for him and his behavior, me and my behavior. I realize this is all normal in this Psychopath/Empath situation.

I'm working on trying to forgive myself. That's the first step.

And it really was like an addiction. I think that everyone here are the only people who can truly understand that.

It's hard for people (on the outside) to understand unless they have experienced it themselves! All the warning signs were probably there, your friend is correct, your own intuition would have alerted you to them, but unfortunately the web of lies that they spin often sees you explaining away perfectly obvious red flags! You see a nice person, then you get a glimpse of the nasty face, and you explain it away because you have seen evidence that the person can be caring and kind! Most decent people are programmed to give others the benefit of the doubt, the psychopath knows this and unwittingly exploits it to their advantage.

It is an addiction - the discomfort that you feel when you are explaining away the red flags is called Cognitive Dissonance - it is the feeling of being in the fog! (that you mentioned before). Your behaviour would definitely change because your personality changes, their aim is to break you down piece by piece, destroy your own sense of judgement and distort reality so that you don't know who you are anymore or what you truly want! This state of disorientation makes you easy to manipulate, especially if you are relying on that person for your highs (sense of happiness).

Rape is not just about sex, it's about control - if he wanted to just have sex with someone then I'm sure there is an area of town where his money would be much appreciated on that score! A normal bloke would have backed off if they knew their behaviour was making you uncomfortable. An example of this, I used to walk home from work at 5 am from work, in winter it was dark still and there would be people walking to work themselves, I noticed that a man walking behind you will cross into the middle of the road to pass you, like he was unconsciously giving you enough space not to feel uncomfortable with his presence. That is normal! What happened to you is not normal, and if your best friend cannot differentiate then you need to be looking for a better companion.

Thanks for the support. I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. I'm anxious/nervous about spilling the whole story. Everything is so messed up.

It's hard to know what to say without being patronising, but I hope it goes well! Even though that seems like the wrong thing to say because I'm certain that having to re-live it all again is going to be a painful experience. Take one step at a time - some days will be good .. and some bad! You need to lose the guilt factor - you made a mistake, you didn't deserve what happened to you, and no-one would have seen that coming .. we all think we can trust people, until one of them crosses the line. It's a painful lesson to learn that not everyone is inherently good, that there are individuals out there who will exploit you for their own agenda .. You have learnt this the absolute hardest way .. I wish you all the very best on your road to recovery! Xxx