Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I've written on here before about my husband's psychopathic girlfriend and about him recognizing that and trying to come back to me. Some on this board warned me about my husband and labeled him a Narc. As he tried to come back to me over a 7 week period the girlfriend was threatening him.
Unfortunately suddenly my husband simply went AWOL on me and returned to the arms of his married psychopathic lover. It was a very difficult and painful processing. He returned back to her approximately four months ago. And in this time, by myself I have come to the conclusion that he is indeed a covert Narc.
The pain in realizing this after 19 years of being together and never seeing it ,is excruciating. And the slow awareness that even if I divorce him I and my children will never be free of him ,because as long as I need him for anything at all he will make me suffer.
I am beginning to understand slowly the horrors of all of this. Even if speaking to a therapist about all of this, they may question my position on him being a Narc. They will wonder what makes me qualified to say so. And obviously these ASPD's don't exactly get diagnosed. So perhaps it will take time to even gain a therapist's trust.
The other thing I am coming to terms with is his fathering our children. It's very difficult. He has completely discarded me out of his life. That's hard to raise children like that. And the hardest of all is that he has completely abandoned me and is not supporting us at all financially, yet he wants to be able to see the children. Of course all of this would not make sense to normal thinking people but he has no problem doing whatever he wants and is in a position over me to get whatever he wants and do whatever he wants.
Sigh.....it's so defeating.
Unfortunately suddenly my husband simply went AWOL on me and returned to the arms of his married psychopathic lover. It was a very difficult and painful processing. He returned back to her approximately four months ago. And in this time, by myself I have come to the conclusion that he is indeed a covert Narc.
The pain in realizing this after 19 years of being together and never seeing it ,is excruciating. And the slow awareness that even if I divorce him I and my children will never be free of him ,because as long as I need him for anything at all he will make me suffer.
I am beginning to understand slowly the horrors of all of this. Even if speaking to a therapist about all of this, they may question my position on him being a Narc. They will wonder what makes me qualified to say so. And obviously these ASPD's don't exactly get diagnosed. So perhaps it will take time to even gain a therapist's trust.
The other thing I am coming to terms with is his fathering our children. It's very difficult. He has completely discarded me out of his life. That's hard to raise children like that. And the hardest of all is that he has completely abandoned me and is not supporting us at all financially, yet he wants to be able to see the children. Of course all of this would not make sense to normal thinking people but he has no problem doing whatever he wants and is in a position over me to get whatever he wants and do whatever he wants.
Sigh.....it's so defeating.
Here is a link to a book that helped me immensely. I was able to begin to see things differently, from loving to manipulative. It is perfectly natural that you did not see this for quite some time. We ALL go through that process. The funny thing is, while the Narcs are completely predictable in their behavior so are the ways in which their victims process the discovery and the aftermath. So while many of our stories here have variations, I am sure you are reading so many similarities among strangers. This is not coincidence. Just get as much information as possible. Find a therapist, one that you do not need to prove anything to. They are out there, I found 2 amazing therapists in my journey (the first retired), one a male and the second a female. Neither one made me feel crazy and in fact helped me to sort of my feelings. It was my first therapist that started me on the discovery journey, I had no idea about narcissism/psychopathy until then. Do not do not do not blame yourself or accept any more of his faults as your own. You did nothing to cause this, could not have prevented it, or can change anything that has happened. I promise you that if you do some self-discovery, teach yourself about personality disorders, and get some therapy, that you will be feeling stronger and better eventually. I hit bottom 962 days ago and can honestly say that things are so much better. But it has been a hard journey. Just promise yourself that whatever you do, you will choose to live in absolute truth even if it hurts.
They're all about having their cake, and your cake and eating someone else's cake too lol.
It's hard to find people who really get how crazy making and truly terrible the personality
disordered can be. I found George Simon's book "in Sheep's Clothing..." to be immensely
helpful. Most people thought I was the crazy one, because P and his family put on such a
good front and spread awful rumors about me. Sooooo frustrating.
LiveinTruth is right, though there are definitely therapists out there who get it. Lawyers who get
the issue as well. It's so worth it to take your time and find people who you can trust with your
situation.
Hang in there
Thank you for the reference.I can no longer go to therapy because he cut the money, however I have got into the government clinics and they are going to hook me up. Not sure how good they will be. Already two government doctors have tried to get me to take Cipralex. Not happening!
I definitely do not blame myself. Yes, I look at I could have been a better wife, but I completely do not blame myself. My husband could have been a better husband as well. That goes without saying for everyone. I am soooo much better already, but every once in a while I feel really really bad.
bettybean...Love your 'cake' analogy lol. Absolutely.
Thank you for the reference.
Yes it is so frustrating. I still have this need to always wants to defend myself and make his family 'SEE' what he has done. I know now, that's not going to happen, but it's still so frustrating to be blamed all the time. His father called me from his vacation in Greece the other day and told me to let the children see their father more and that I'm stubborn? I don't even stop the children or him from seeing each other, but I still get blamed! The man can't even leave me alone when he's on vacation! So frustrating.
Thank you both.
chaos in targeted other's lives. You happen to be your ex's family's target.
The only way out is to disengage completely. If you must communicate do
Gray Rock or behave in a corporate fashion: polite, professional and opaque.
Give them absolutely NO information at all other than the barest facts.
Everything will be used against you.
Remember your ex fell from the same pathological tree as his family. They
probably think he's just peachy. And if they pretend otherwise, they're just
egging you on for the thrill of the drama and trauma of it. My ex MIL, is
a hardcore P, and she used to feign sympathy about my ex's abuse just
for the pleasure of something ugly to gossip about. She LOVED hearing
about her son's abuse, didn't matter if he was hurting her only grandchild.
So so sick!!
No winning there at all. You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it. There is
no other choice but to move on. Life is soooo much sweeter without having
P's in your life constantly engineering conflict.
the personalities of those around them. The core family usually all copy the most
powerful (read most abusive) family member. They're really little cults, with the family
members being brainwashed members and the biggest bully/psychopath playing the
cult leader/guru.
The most important thing you can do for yourself is find a kick ass lawyer who really
gets personality disordered people and their dirty fighting tactics. You also need
to find someone who really respects you and wants to fight for you and your children.
I went to 10!! lawyers before I found someone who I thought would work. She worked
for a firm that specialized only in family law. She's been my rock throughout this
process, and I got very lucky that in the end he didn't pursue custody.
You can arrange things so you don't need to verbally interact with either him or his
parents. Check out Family Wizard. Also find out your state's laws about recording
conversations and documentation. Someimes people will absolutely hang themselves
on tape and a judge might see fit to award you full custody. This is where a great
lawyer can advise you, because it needs to be done judiciously.
The other most important thing is this messy heartbreaking process is take amazing
care of yourself. I neglected this for quite some time and it really bit me in the ass
health wise and energy wise. My heart goes out to you, this is so tough and lonely
to deal with. Hang i there!