This week is my birthday, and am feeling as lost as ever. Still unsure of the direction of my life, amplified more so by the discovery of my ex PSN 9 weeks ago.

I sent him a text. I told him that the least he could do for the pain he has caused me is return the 6,500$ that he "borrowed" from me. I made sure to indicate that these were his words.

And then came the shitstorm. He said we were in a relationship, that he fully loved me, supported me (mirroring...)and that I gave that money freely to him. Looking back, yes I did, but I thought it was going to be forever, but everytime I gave him money it was because he requested to "Borrow" some. Don't say borrow if you don't plan on returning... But whatever.

I laid into him. Told him what he has done to me, his lack of empathy or remorose, or sorrow for his actions. And true to form, he turned everything on me, with the exception of what I thought in the beginning... because if he was white, he would have been accepted by people around me, but because I had to justify our relationship to White America, he deserved more. He said "THAT was my closure" I knew it. I reminded him that not everyone accepts everyones relationships for some reason or another, but the bottom line is it isn't an excuse for deciding to marry another woman 3 years into our committed relattionship because it was "easier" because she was African-American. He was the victim in our relationship. He kept reminding me of that throughout the whole text conversation. And then said he was feeling sad and missed me and was going to call me this week to see if we could get together... Bullshit! Trying to bait me in again. Trying to play the victim of how he was wronged, but not acknowledging or accepting responsibility for any of his actions. No way. I told him that. I told him I am NOT going to let him turn it around on me. I am NOT going to make apologies for the grief, hurt and frustration that I am feeling because of the actions he took. No way! That is not fair. Sure, I am responsible for my interpretation of this, and the mindF(#$*ing that this has made me feel, but I would NEVER be in this position if he didn't do what he did. HE needs to accept responsibility for who he is. He said he really just wants to feel good about something in his life, and "Silly him", but he is the root of all his feelings. I again reminded him that HE made the choices he did so therefore he needs to be accountable for them.

What kills me, is he will find his happiness, but he will continue to find it at the expense of others, because it's all about him! And I am torn more now than ever, because I still want to believe what we had was real, but my heart and head are still telling two stories. Still haven't slept in my room/bed, still have some sleeping problems, and while I can get through the day (most days) without crying, it doesn't take away the pain, hurt and anger that I feel 100% of the time.

I knew I would be dissapointed with reaching out to him, cause I knew he wouldn't pay me back. I hoped he would offer to pay, but of course not. I didn't expect it to go down this route. Turning everything on me. Stating I had issues before coming into the relationship when we freely discussed those issues during our relationship and that they weren't a factor. I trusted that man more than any other person in the world. I trusted that him knowing what I have been through with men (and mother) in my life, that he would not ever follow in that pattern. I let go of the control and allowed myself to trust and love, and then BAM! = emotionally clobbered and a questionable self worth.

Mother F*$&*#)(*!