I hope this is part of the healing process for you toggle. You have had to be on auto-pilot for so long just to get things done and now everything is bubbling up ready to be dealt with and understood. Good luck with the divorce and your brighter future.

I'm not as far along as you are, but every time I take small steps forward it all bubbles up again, I think its acceptance that brings it on. I could imagine that reaching the finalization of the divorce would be the ultimate acceptance and the feelings would be intense.

"...this is not the life I set out for, it is not the life I planned and it's not the life I invested in. Profoundly sad these days." Thank you, my thoughts exactly. I did have a child, just after she turned 3 mine left and took her with her. I had every intention of being there everyday, seeing every milestone personally as she grew, and suddenly it was stripped from me, I speak those words of yours every day. The life we wanted was real, the people we planned it with were not. These people are evil, they wreak destruction on our lives that sometimes is beyond words. You did nothing wrong, your feelings are real and valid, one day at a time.

I agree with Tohellagain, the unresolved subconscious bubbles up to the surface as we move to new stages of resolution in conscious life. There is always a part that is in awareness, and a part that is not yet there. So when you place a foot over a new threshold, the part that doesn't want to take that step starts making noise, like a little kid being dragged by a parent to his first day at school. It's, "I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to grow up!" Or, in your case, "I don't want to move on." We still want the dream that we nurtured with the ex. But the fact that we are moving on is proof that we know that dream is lost.. In all of our cases, it was lost all along.

Please separate out finalizing your divorce from never having children. You may very well have children however, thank God not with Him. I had my last cople children at 39 and 45. Many women in careers are having babies in their forties and it is a great time to do it. I think you can parent with a much greater balance and perspective. If you can forgive and not regret you can get started healing much faster. Forgiveness is everything and it is a continuous process. Remember, forgiveness if for you first. It frees you from their sickness. You do not stay bound to their dysfuction once you give up your right to punish them and release the burden. You will have a beautiful life ahead if you can release the past once you have dealt with it and processed it. Keep looking for the opportunity life will bring you. Don't get discouraged looking at how what you planned didn't come to pass. That is sad but life rarely brings to us what we expect. There is something new for you, something better but you must be free of past resentments to see it. I know it is not easy and I daily continue to forgive.

Dear Toggle,

I'm in the same stage of divorce as you are, and I have the same fears. As much as I want all this to be over--he's dragged his feet every step of the way in the divorce process--withheld money, information, etc.--I worry about the emptiness that will follow once I don't have this struggle to deal with anymore. What I think so many of us don't realize is the isolation that these type of people slowly create for you. That is what they want, for you to be isolated from others so they can control you. That's what I'm trying to work on now, to reconnect with people and remember who I was before I got entangled with this person. In my case we were married many many years, and even though I should have left, I wasn't brave enough to. I'm learning now not to blame myself, because the web people like this weave that trap us is sneaky and manipulative to the point you don't even know you're in it until they decide it's over.

I'm reading a very helpful e-book that explains a lot. My soon to be ex is actually strongly narcisstic, and the book explains how narcisstic abuse works. It's called Healing Narcisstic Abuse by Kaleah LaRoche. It's difficult to swallow, but the truth is we have all been abused. We have to accept that in order to heal.

"The reason you feel you will die without this person is because you have surrendered who you are in order to become an extension of the narcissist. You have been absorbed into the narcissistic reality. You don’t know who you are without that reality. You have been living your life absorbed in that reality for some time. There is likely a fear that you don’t exist outside that reality."

"It is important to know that you can live without this person. You aren’t going to die. In fact you are more likely to thrive without this person, because under his/her destructive influence you have lost your energy and vitality as well as your connection to your authentic self."

Remember who you were before this person came into your life, and what you liked to do, what made you happy, what made you thrive. Even if it feels silly or childish. Try and reconnect with those things, even in small ways. And always remember you're not alone.