Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I wonder, do you remember what questions did your P ask you on your first date (or first few dates, in the assesment phase)?
I just remembered one thing that he asked me which at that time, I thought it was an interesting question, but now when I think about it, it could have been a red flag!
Naimly, he asked me "What was your biggest physical/emotional pain so far?"
Any thougths?
I just remembered one thing that he asked me which at that time, I thought it was an interesting question, but now when I think about it, it could have been a red flag!
Naimly, he asked me "What was your biggest physical/emotional pain so far?"
Any thougths?
My exN/S and I had worked together for several months (in different locations). When we finally met in person, he really didn't ask me much but he did tell me about his herpes and that he was having an outbreak...He probably assumed that I'd sleep with him on the first date which didn't happen. Ah yes....the red flags are loud and clear now. (Sigh)
And did he ever use that later!!! I only just realized that no one else has ever said what they were learning about me, it must have been something that he was looking for.
@MovingOn74, Yeah, I wonder that too....
Second was not something one should ask. He asked me how I lost my virginity, I think he asked because he was so brutal that I was bleeding. Stupid as I was I told him how and it wasnt nice. I wish I never had told him.
Another thing he asked me is "What´s the meaning of life according to you? How should one live their life?" , he used it to make sure that I don´t live the way I want to, tu ruin it all for me. Idiot.
Verbal Bulimia and the Art of Over-Disclosure
By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
I wrote about Verbal Bulimia in my Dangerous Man book, discussed in Women Who Love Psychopaths, and frequently remind everyone in the newsletters and yet I still see this embarrassing behavior among women that not only sounds inappropriate to anyone else listening but also puts her at tremendous risk amongst pathologicals.
Years ago when I had a few psychopaths in group I asked them how they picked out their 'targets' and from the mouth of babes they said,"I just listen. If you get them talking, they rapidly over-disclose. Women tell WAY too much! You pick up everything they just said-what they like, their values. Feed it back to them. Become what they are looking for. And ~ VOILA~ you're in!"
On my flight back from our Dangerous Man Workshop Cruise to Cozumel several years ago, I had one of those over-disclosing women sitting in front of me. Ladies, this is the kind of person that makes you want to switch genders so not to be associated with the behavior! She was purposefully loud so that others would hear her. In fact, she was so loud, the rows around her couldn't even have their own private conversations because she was holding 'court' in the middle of the plane where it was mostly men.
LOUDLY she announces to a girlfriend (who must have been deaf either before the conversation started which is why she YELLED or afterward from yelling in her ear) that she was going to THE CLIFFS where she OWNED a CONDO so she COULD GOLF on TIGER WOODS' golf course (am enunciating the way she did with her volume on the important parts of her braggadocios story). And that she FLEW back and forth to her OTHER HOME to THE CLIFFS to enjoy THE COUNTRY CLUB and GOLFING. (Just imagine if you were a psychopath sitting within ear range of this conversation....)
Oh, and THANKSGIVING, she was going to have 35 people over AND HER LARGE DINING ROOM could easily accommodate them. She was going to HAVE A COOK COME IN and help her prepare the meal. And ANYONE WHO NEEDED A PLACE TO BE on Thanksgiving was welcome to come (as she offered with a gesture of her hand to those sitting around her). (The psychopath is totaling up how much her silver and Plasma TVs are worth about now....)
Then it was on to her OTHER VACATION travels she has recently done....while everyone else around her were rolling their eyes and sticking their fingers in their ears (except for the psychopaths on board who were checking to make sure they had packed their sun tan lotion-planning on a trip WITH her).
Glory to God, the plane landed and it seemed like I could get away from her. She stood up, adjusted her breasts, fluffed her hair, and sucked her stomach in as she noticed the guy in my row had a 3 piece suit on (gag!) a gold chain and to her I guess 'potential' This highly accomplished multi-home owner who had been loudly touting her own virtues, all of a sudden couldn't manage to get her bag out of the overhead, turning into Scarlett O'Hara. "Could some big strong man help little ol' me here?"
She was staring straight at the gold-chain guy, so he felt obliged. Then she inserted something that had nothing to do with her bag being stuck. She stuck her hip out and leaned into his face "You know what I HATE?" "What?" he asks. "There are 3 lanes on a highway-one for 70 miles per hour, one for 80, and the last one for me-which is getting out of my way! The thing that drives me the CRAZIEST in the whole world ...." (I'm wondering Poverty? Abuse?World Hunger?Obviously not psychopaths--what?)...are people who drive too slowly so that I can't roar my BMW Z4 at 95-100 miles per hour."
She glances around to see who MIGHT have heard her. I have my therapy gaze on her now-like "Girl, GET a therapist!!" The guy winces at that statement and stares at his shoes. However, several other guys in line shift their position to move closer to her. Instead of heading out of the front of the plane they are turning around and heading DOWN the plane not out! What psychopath doesn't want to con her out of a BMW Z4?? Or her Country Club membership? Or the dining room table that seats 35? Or those boobs she just pushed up?
Ok, ok....not ALL women who over-disclose do it so garishly and obnoxiously as this woman. But they DO, DO IT! There isn't a pathological that isn't wired to 'hear' the hints and hone in on it. They don't have to remember to 'listen' -- it's a natural as breathing to them.
Maybe your disclosure is more subtle like at church: "Pray for me, I'm going through a divorce."
Or in personal ads: "Recently divorced attractive woman looking for her soul mate."
Or on a chat forum "Yeah, I was really hurt when he ran around on me. I'm just looking for a nice guy to settle down with-someone who likes children and animals, a churchgoer--someone who shares my love of art and hiking."
TMI! TMI! Too Much Information!!
It's hard to remember that all the ears and eyes that are exposed to you are not 'normal' ones. That pathologicals are listening for the 'signs' which are a green light to them to move on you. That includes, any hint of what you're looking for (Fine, I can be that! he says) or loneliness (I'll solve that!) or pain (Oh, baby, you've gotta let me redeem the male species! We aren't ALL like that!).
Some are listening for your financial info (many are parasitic so are looking for ways of living with others so they can conveniently lose their jobs while with you) or to just bilk you out of your money quickly and be gone.
Others are listening for your need of a partner, companion, 'just friends' status, a step father for your children, a spiritual mentor, a shoulder to cry on.....
Others are listening to your unrealized dreams that they can 'support' you in your journey to being....a writer, a painter, a therapist, going back to college, starting your own business....
Still others are listening for your needs: Sexually hungry? Emotionally needy? Bored? Not listened to? Abused? Abandoned? Lonely? Tired? Angry?
Remember the church song when you were little "Be careful little eyes what you see....Be careful little ears what you hear...Be careful little mouth what you say..." Remember that? It reminded us that our eyes, ears, and MOUTH needed to be careful. The song went on, "For the Father up above is looking down with love so be careful little mouth what you speak." If we ONLY had the Father to worry about, this wouldn't be an issue.
1 in 25 people have no conscience thus are pathological. There are ears and eyes watching and listening to you to make you their target.
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Vonnie, you are spot on! Loved your post! They really do try to find out what you love and what disturbs you right off the bat, and they do whatever it takes to 'trigger' you after that, and then pull you back in, and then they 'trigger' you again. It's all just a game to them...with no conscience or human compassion or empathy.
The underlying message though really hits home. After my past experience with my ex I know that I now need to be very aware that over openess can be dangerous...especially until we know who we are dealing with...I used to think that openess was 'nice'ness..
My ex also used a few things I disclosed early on to hurt me with later...and against me..I would be a lot more careful now...and I try to listen a lot more.
Gut instinct and waiting to check out the red flags before too much disclosure is definitely the way to go...