Victims of Psychopaths Community Group

Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.

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eternity75 10/09/2016

Hi everyone,

I just found out my P father died in May of this year. I have such conflicting emotions. Mainly sadness and guilt. I know I should probably feel like good riddance but I don't. I'm not sure why I feel so sad.

He contacted family members of my mom last year telling them he was dying of cancer and wanted to give money to me and my brother. I cut him out of my life about 5 years ago and my brother cut him off long before that. I didn't really believe he was dying. At first I thought he was making it up, but my uncle did some digging and said that he found out it was true that he had cancer, but then I thought maybe my father was overexaggerating the "dying of" part, because I knew he would try his ways to suck us back into his life. I also wondered how he could possibly have $45,000 for my brother and I when he was pretty much homeless a couple of years before.

So tonight I was talking to my mom and she says "Did you know your father died?". She had googled his name and came up with his obituary. It took everything in me not to cry when I was on the phone with her. I just acted nonchalant. My mom endured years of abuse at his hands. He terrorized our family and we all feared him. My relationships are totally screwed up because of him, all I attract are abusers and cheaters. My family is completely broken. My mom and brother no longer speak either. And it is all because of my father.

So why the fuck do I feel sad?! Why am I crying? I shouldn't be crying over him. But I tried very hard to forgive him and have a relationship with him even after everyone else in my family had cut him off from their lives. And for awhile we did have that relationship and he tried to be a better father. But his negativity got to me. He was an emotional leach. He would suck every ounce of good feelings you had, just by being near him. And yet here I sit and cry.

I think maybe I'm grieving the father I never got to have. Or maybe I'm grieving because I feel guilty he died without either him or me getting any closure. I don't know. I can't explain my reaction at all. I feel wrong for feeling this way.

AgentSmith 10/10/2016

My 1st psychopath stalker died a couple years ago. It was strange. I thought I'd feel overjoyed but I really felt nothing. But I'm glad he can't go on to destroy more lives.

Death can stir up strange feelings. Do you know what happened to the money he wanted to give to you? I think I remember you telling us about this awhile ago.

eternity75 10/10/2016

I have no idea agent. I don't know if there even was any money or if he was just trying to get us to come see him. He tried calling several different relatives on my mom's side of the family. We basically cut off his side of the family when we cut him off. Our relatives passed on the messages to my brother and I, but I felt like he was just trying to trick us or lure us with the promise of money. I didn't really believe that he was dying. Plus his brothers and sister have always been money hungry so if there was anything to get I'm sure they found a way. If he really had money and wanted to leave it to my brother and I he could have set up a trust or something and given the info to my relatives that he kept contacting to try and get in touch with us. Who knows. His obituary said there was no funeral at his request.

It really does stir up strange feelings. I asked my brother tonight if he knew. He said he didn't know and he really doesn't care. I have always been more sensitive everything. I am also way more empathetic and I swear sometimes empathy is a huge curse. I think I feel bad that he lived a miserable life and then died alone. Although the ending is predictable and not a surprise given how he treated his family, somehow I still feel bad that his life ended like that. It's hard when I can remember some (few and far between) good times with him too and I find myself wondering why I couldn't have just had a normal father. What's really hard is having no one to talk to about this.

AgentSmith 10/10/2016

I like to think of it as Karma. Same with my psychopathic stalker, he died at 38 after a lifetime of crime and a trail of victims. I like to think Karma caught up to him. I saw his obituary and one of the pictures shown in his online obituary was his mugshot for the sex offender registry. Is it possible to be any more of a loser? When your obituary photo is your sex registry mugshot, you may have taken a wrong turn in life. I hope that when these people were dying, they had time to reflect on what they'd done to everyone in their lives.

eternity75 10/10/2016

When I was 17 and was still living at home my father said some nasty things to me. It came out of nowhere. But everything with him was like that. He was completely unpredictable and would just start raging at you for no reason whatsoever. Well he decided to pick a fight with me that day and then told me to pack my shit and get the fuck out of his house. Literally, out of nowhere. I hadn't done anything prior to this. I was in my room, playing around on the computer when he came banging on my door. So I ended up packing a huge hockey bag full of my stuff and when I was walking out, he asked me "What about the rest of it? That isn't everything" As if I could bring everything I owned with me when I didn't even have a car. I told him he could keep it, throw it out, or burn it, I didn't give a shit. But before I left to lug my 20 lb bag to town, I told him he would die alone if someone didn't slit his throat in his sleep first. He had many chances since that day as well. It definitely wasn't his last. I tried to forgive and have a relationship with him but he became an emotional drain on me and one day I just cut him off. But yes, I believe it is Karma too. I don't know about others but I know my father definitely had a good long time to think about it before he died. The question is, was he still thinking "Poor me, how did this ever happen to me?" or was he actually regretful of the life he lived and the way he treated people. Not sure I'll ever know.

Part of me is thinking I should contact one of my relatives to ask a few questions, and the other part of me is saying just leave it be. I guess I'm just looking for some kind of closure. Not sure I will ever have it.

AgentSmith 10/10/2016

Most likely, the majority of their thoughts are centered around the "poor me" mentality. But with personality disorders, there are usually "moments of clarity". So I'd like to believe that although they'd never admit it, there were moments of clarity where at least for a few seconds, they had to reflect on all they've done to get them where they are. Why they had no friends. Why family had cut them off. I think they have moments where they glimpse reality correctly.

kris7167 10/10/2016

I have a psychopathic mother. I don't think I will feel anything when she dies. But my sister once said that, if she cries at my mother's funeral, it will be for herself--the girl and then woman who never had a mother. Maybe you are crying because of what you never had. And because, from everyone's perspective, it's sad.

eternity75 10/11/2016

Yeah Agent, I guess you are right...there are moments of clarity and can only hope he had them before his death. I'm not sure he had many during his life. I gave him shit once when we were out for coffee and he was doing his poor me routine. He was basically saying "Your mother left me, your brother wants nothing to do with me, poor me". I let him have it and reminded him in no uncertain terms exactly why that was the case. I told him he needed to take responsibility for his actions and his life and if he was going to sit around feeling sorry for himself I wouldn't be sticking around to listen to it. He changed his tune for awhile, but eventually drifted back to the poor me routine, except he left my family out of it and talked about old friends that left him instead and everything he did for them. My father had a habit of spending money he didn't have on people to try to "buy" their company. And when there was no more money or free meals, etc they eventually drifted away. I'm sure he thinks I did the same. But I still hope he had those moments of clarity.

Kris you could be right. I have always longed for the family I never had, and moreso now that my mom and brother no longer speak either. I do think a lot of my sadness comes from that as well. My own emotions around this have surprised me and caught me off guard completely. I will be talking to a counsellor this week, which I usually don't do, but I'd rather try to get some of this stuff processed than drag it around forever. Hopefully it helps.

I'm still wondering if I should speak to one of his family members. What would you ladies do? They have typically been a dysfunctional bunch all around but I don't think any of them are as bad as he was. I have an aunt and uncle who live in the same city as me and they seem pretty reasonable. I believe they would have been the ones mostly dealing with his affairs and visiting him in hospital since he was also in the same city. I'm just unsure if I want to hear what they have to say.

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