Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I have been in a long, painful separation from my sociopath for almost 6 months now. I have remained no contact until a few days ago.
In a moment of weakness...missing my connection to him...I logged into his account which is still on the computer we shared. In his documents (thus, not meant directly for me or an attempt to manipulate me) I found a suicide note...saying his goodbyes, dividing his things, his wishes for burial. I called his best friend who I trust, who took care of everything. He is ok and safe. But he of course emailed me,rightfully furious that I had gone through his things and demanding that I answer him (after about a month and a half of hoovering attempts at this point).
He has always been upfront about who he is; rude, rough, unpredictable, just...different. I don't know that he wears a mask. He also a few close friendships that he has managed to maintain over the years (usually them running after him, taking care of him, knowing his behavior and learning how to deal with it).
Otherwise, he is all of the symptoms; charming in his unusual way, he does not experience guilt or remorse, an extremely low boredom threshold and constant need for stimulation, somewhat inflated sense of self, unreliable, inability to live up to responsibilities, follow a life plan, or learn from past experiences, pathological lying, high sex drive and a history of promiscuity and cheating (because "he could", he says. When he cheated on me, he denied the blatant evidence and turned everything around on me; calling me "crazy," having trust issues, reading everything wrong, not having enough faith in him or our relationship, being a bad partner). It goes on and on. He seems to be a textbook case. Except...
My question is this; from everything I've read, depression and despair don't seem to be common among sociopaths. Since the day I met him, he has struggled. I realize part of it may become exaggerated at times to create a connection with his targets (worked on me). But it is constant and ongoing. The suicide note talked about none of us blaming ourselves for this....to forgive him....that he experienced pain on a daily basis and hadn't had interest in studying, working, or living for the past 12 years and just wanted peace. He has always refused help or treatment or to open up about his actual feelings; just making us aware of his despair.
Is it possible to be a partial sociopath? Being aware of who and what he is and fighting it or hating it? Or not being aware and understanding why he is different and the way he is? Or just to experience depression? The thing he always talks about the most is a deep and painful loneliness. Always feeling so completely disconnected from everyone.
It was the most painful thing I have ever read. I know I can't get involved or sucked back in. But reading those things from someone that you love so deeply....despite everything. It pains me that he was made this way. It pains me that he suffers. It pains me that I love him with all my heart and soul and can't be with him, knowing he will destroy me. It's been going on for so long...and everytime I think peace is around the corner, something happens. I am so confused, so exhausted and depleted. Help.
In a moment of weakness...missing my connection to him...I logged into his account which is still on the computer we shared. In his documents (thus, not meant directly for me or an attempt to manipulate me) I found a suicide note...saying his goodbyes, dividing his things, his wishes for burial. I called his best friend who I trust, who took care of everything. He is ok and safe. But he of course emailed me,rightfully furious that I had gone through his things and demanding that I answer him (after about a month and a half of hoovering attempts at this point).
He has always been upfront about who he is; rude, rough, unpredictable, just...different. I don't know that he wears a mask. He also a few close friendships that he has managed to maintain over the years (usually them running after him, taking care of him, knowing his behavior and learning how to deal with it).
Otherwise, he is all of the symptoms; charming in his unusual way, he does not experience guilt or remorse, an extremely low boredom threshold and constant need for stimulation, somewhat inflated sense of self, unreliable, inability to live up to responsibilities, follow a life plan, or learn from past experiences, pathological lying, high sex drive and a history of promiscuity and cheating (because "he could", he says. When he cheated on me, he denied the blatant evidence and turned everything around on me; calling me "crazy," having trust issues, reading everything wrong, not having enough faith in him or our relationship, being a bad partner). It goes on and on. He seems to be a textbook case. Except...
My question is this; from everything I've read, depression and despair don't seem to be common among sociopaths. Since the day I met him, he has struggled. I realize part of it may become exaggerated at times to create a connection with his targets (worked on me). But it is constant and ongoing. The suicide note talked about none of us blaming ourselves for this....to forgive him....that he experienced pain on a daily basis and hadn't had interest in studying, working, or living for the past 12 years and just wanted peace. He has always refused help or treatment or to open up about his actual feelings; just making us aware of his despair.
Is it possible to be a partial sociopath? Being aware of who and what he is and fighting it or hating it? Or not being aware and understanding why he is different and the way he is? Or just to experience depression? The thing he always talks about the most is a deep and painful loneliness. Always feeling so completely disconnected from everyone.
It was the most painful thing I have ever read. I know I can't get involved or sucked back in. But reading those things from someone that you love so deeply....despite everything. It pains me that he was made this way. It pains me that he suffers. It pains me that I love him with all my heart and soul and can't be with him, knowing he will destroy me. It's been going on for so long...and everytime I think peace is around the corner, something happens. I am so confused, so exhausted and depleted. Help.
As for suicide, there are plenty of incidences where psychopaths do kill themselves. Who knows why, for the thrill, for that final bit of control, to hurt someone specifically, to appear to be a victim, who knows? But it's not uncommon. It's more common for them to manipulate their victim into believing they are going to kill themselves. My first psycho posted pics online of himself crying, pointing a gun to his head, with suicidal writing all around the border, to try to manipulate me. You said you don't think that's the case with your ex as he wasn't anticipating you reading that. Is it possible that he was going to use it in a manipulation attempt but not actually follow through? Like print it out and leave it laying somewhere for you to find? Or that he anticipated you'd check the computer at some point? Because if that was his plan, it appears to have somewhat worked. You reached out to his friend, now your ex knows you were worried enough to do that and is reassured that you still care on some level.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25551785
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11502089
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165178102003207
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s004060200001
When the forensid psychiatrist advised me to act the opposite way the one back in 2009 expected (one short term couple-of-nightstands that became obsessive with me), I asked if psychos could freak out if they get the opposite of what they want. Or if they are raped or controlled. He said it was uncommon...
But apparently not! Sorry if I don't sound unhappy.