I don’t think this is old news, but the longer I support, the more I see the concrete element of addiction in survivors their psychopathic relationships and the subsequent and inevitable abuse cycles. I wish we had 12 step programs for survivors of the disordered. There’s an idea. . .

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting situations take place with survivors the last week or two that cements my belief that we must treat the psychopath like the addiction that he is, our drug of choice. We must be ever vigilant, everyday, aware and self disciplined with healthy boundaries, all at the same time. If this does not occur, relapse is highly likely, something I too have seen a lot of over the last two years and more. I think if we treat it like we might a drug or alcohol addiction, we will have better success at avoiding relapse, as well as creating a vigilance, awareness, self discipline and boundaries that help us during times of vulnerability and stress, to avoid being targeted. And if we are in stressful or vulnerable situations,we will be able to act immediately, using healthy coping skills to escape the attempt to ‘use’.

I’d like to create a visual for you about our relationships with psychopaths using addiction type lingo in helping you understand how eerily similar addiction to chemicals, is parallel to our addiction to the relationship and the psychopath. When you are a recovering addict, it is a life long endeavor and commitment to ‘sobriety’ and I believe, it is no less than so with survivors who have been in relationships with the disordered. I have seen way too much relapse in survivors recently that has caused great concern to me.

Psychopathic Relationship Addiction Timeline

1. Getting into the relationship (our first hit of the drug)- we are love bombed, overwhelmed, walking on cloud nine. We are having smoke blown up our bums (egos) like never before in our lives. We do not have time to think, or to contemplate, for this drug is highly addictive with the first dose. We are high. Higher than we have ever been in our lives. We love this high, whatever this drug is, it can’t get any better than this. We immediately want more. This high is exacerbated by the initiation of sex early into the relationship, releasing the bonding hormone, oxytocin, fueling our addiction to the bonding with the psychopath.

2. We continue to get ‘high’ indulging ourselves in the drug (relationship). We see that we don’t feel all that great when the drug leaves our system (the psychopath is not around or begins to behave in a way where we start to see red flags, yet ignore them). We begin to feel tired, worn out, as if our energy is being depleted. We need more of the drug to get that initial high. We are hooked.

3. At this point, the drug is no longer as effective. We are getting sicker. We can’t eat, we can’t sleep, we are not as productive. we begin to feel depressed or extremely anxious without the drug (psychopath), then when we do take it (caught in the abuse cycles) the high isn’t what it once was. We begin to question whether or not this drug (psychopath) is healthy for us, that we are changing and not for the better. People around us are noticing our isolation and our changes in mood. We begin to cut them out of our lives, and live only for the drug (psychopath). We are in a deep state of denial as to the toxicity of the drug (psychopath) and begin to excuse our behaviors that are a direct result of using (the relationship).

4. We now understand that the drug is making us sick emotionally and physically, but we need the drug (psychopath and cycles of abuse) to feel normal. The addiction is our new ‘normal’ and we are trapped, not knowing how to get out, yet not wanting too all at the same time.We are experiencing cognitive dissonance and great confusion at this time. We are angry and frustrated. We know this is not normal so we begin to search for answers online as to what we are really dealing with. We find out our drug of choice is dangerous and will kill us if we don’t stop using.

5. We have decided that we’re done with the drug. We know that there will be a major withdrawal period, so we prepare for it. we stock up on therapy, vitamins, good support,and a sponsor. We reach out to professionals who understand our addiction (the psychopath) and help us through withdrawal( the early stages of ruminating and obsessing) and early recovery. This is the most difficult time, as well as the most challenging of all, because until we rid ourselves completely of the drug, we will CRAVE it to the point of great physical and psychological pain. This is when it’s the time highest for relapse. believing that just once won’t hurt, but knowing that it does. Some of us will relapse at this point and find it is worse the next time, so we will attempt withdrawal again. This can happen up to seven times before it takes hold. Support is critically important at this time. You MUST cut contact with all the suppliers (the psychopaths family, friends, etc), and put yourself into a place where you will have no reminders around you of your drug of choice. NONE. No contact, at all. Ever. Direct or indirect.

6. The end of the relationship-withdrawal process- this is when you will hurt the most. This is when obsessing about the drug, the next fix, how it was the first time you tried it and how high you were and how good you felt during those times. You will crave the drug so strongly it will take everything within you not to return to it. You will be sick emotionally and physically, while the psychopath leaves your system. You will feel like dying, but you won’t. It is very important during this time that you use extreme self care. Take time off from work if you can, see a therapist, get into a support group or find a sponsor. Read as many books as you can about your drug of choice (psychopaths) and learn about it. Take warm baths, talk to your friends that are still around. Hold yourself accountable and committed to your effort to stay clean. Take it one day at a time and remind yourself that this too will pass and that you are doing something fabulous for yourself and those around you that love you. Learn simple breathing techniques that will calm you, and bring relief. If you are able, force yourself to get up and walk. Even if it’s just around the block, fresh air can do wonders for you at this time. Remember to eat well, even if you have to force yourself too. Drink a lot of water and stay away from sugars, fats and especially caffeine which can jack up your anxiety. Carbs are good during this time, mega vitamins that give you energy. For some of us in recovery, we will need the assistance of medications prescribed by our doctor to get us through the acute withdrawal phase. Remember, nothing addictive at this time.
If you have a pet, really feel the soft fur of your pet, hold your pet close and feel the love between you. I know this sounds silly, but when you are withdrawing, you will need these little reminders of what love really is and means. Hug your kids. Watch a comedy on tv, laughter is the best medicine. If you love music, listen to it, if it reminds you of the drug (psychopath) AVOID it until you are in a place to introduce it slowly back into your life. If you can tolerate ‘music’ in a different way, purchase meditation CD’s or on Itunes. Classical music can be wonderful during your withdrawal time. Spoil yourself absolutely rotten. Again, keep reminding yourself that you can do this and stay in the present. Remind yourself that this is an addiction and it’s your addictive brain that wants the drug (psychopath) and NOT YOU.

7. You are now moving into the part of recovery when you will begin to focus less on him and more on yourself. This is the Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome or “PAWS”. The time it takes to get to this point of recovery after the acute withdrawal phase, is variable, but the average that I’ve witnessed is six months to one year or a little more. This is the part of recovery where you will experience a lot of regret, a lot of remorse.You will experience bouts of deep depression, for all the time the addiction took from your life and those around you.You will begin to grieve your losses and there may be more from your life at this time. You will want to begin to make amends with those you have hurt while active in your addiction.

You may get occasional phone calls from suppliers who will tempt you to want to ‘connect’ in some way with your drug of choice, That’s okay, at this time, you have developed a healthy fear of ever being close to that drug again and now you know what will happen if you relapse. Know that these feelings are normal and apart of the process. The more you tell yourself that you’re right where you need to be, right now, in recovery, staying ALWAYS in the present, the more positive you will feel about your recovery. This is a time for deep reflection and it will be a very dark time where you’ll ponder your past, any childhood abuse will begin to be purged. You may even see a genetic predisposition to addiction (psychopathy), in your family. You’ll go over the the time that you were using and you will focus on the time that you started and WHY you started using in the first place. This is a time of great growth.

It’s a time to develop short terms goals that are achievable for you, such as a continued commitment to group support, to therapy, continued commitment to yourself and establishing healthy boundaries, learning how to be very aware of your feelings and who you are.

It will be a time where you will learn stress management and what to do in case you are in crisis or vulnerable so that you are prepared and do not relapse. It’s also time to be realistic about what you can and cannot do at this stage of recovery. Wherever you are, is okay as long as you stay ‘clean’ and move forward, baby steps. Know that there will still be times of great anxiety and where you will miss the high of the beginning of using (the relationship). At this point it’s all psychological as the cycle has been broken, so you must deal with it at a psychological level. Do not spend a lot of time talking about the drug or with others about it, unless you are in a support group and/or in therapy. Group support should be there for encouragement and to help you MOVE FORWARD. Continued discussion about using will likely trigger a relapse.

Talking about how the drug affected you in a negative way and the consequences and how to handle it is perfectly fine, but discussing your using days is not. You are no longer using, but you are an addict which means this is a life long endeavor for you now to stay clean, but it will become easier with time and with support. This phase of recovery will last the longest. For each survivor this stage is variable due to the length of use (relationship), as well as the amount (abuse in the relationship). It will also be longer if you have an abuse history that needs to be dealt with. Survivors who became addicts with first time use will heal faster than those using for a long time or who have a long history of addiction. I have seen from one to up to five years or more. Either way, it is a life long commitment to recovery.

Establishing healthy habits at this time will help tremendously in easing the Post Acute Phase. Establishing new and healthy habits into your life, to replace the time that you were using, will help ease the depression and bring back creativity and a level of peace. It is very important that you do not, other than in support, surround yourself with other users. This can be a major trigger and something you will likely have to do the rest of your life. There will not come a time where you can be exposed to this drug, anywhere near it and not want it, nor think about it. Why do it, if it triggers you? It happens. Survivors can relapse years out of their last relationship.

The key to recovery and to staying away from relapse is self awareness. We will have to work harder at this as we would any other addiction. This means 24/7 awareness of your stressors, how you are feeling at any given time, most critically important, is to be aware of your vulnerabilities. Even the smallest one can send you to relapse. Psychopaths are sharks and they can smell emotional bleeding miles away. If you are not vigilant, extremely self disciplined and without boundaries, YOU WILL RELAPSE. I have seen this happen with a few survivors the last couple of weeks and the same cycles are set into motion and they are right back into their addictions. ALL of these relapses happened because of a crisis pending, or one that had recently taken place.. Your boundaries will be especially important when you are vulnerable. It doesn’t matter what that vulnerability is, if you are unaware of it, your potential for relapse is extremely high.

As with any other addiction, you can learn all you could possibly learn about addictions, what affect it has on the brain, and have all the tools given to you to work with, but unless you are, AGAIN, AWARE, SELF DISCIPLINED, WITH TIGHT BOUNDARIES, you can have all the tools in the world and have learned all there is to know and still relapse.

Withdrawal from a relapse is ten times more difficult than the first because you know what you are doing. Denial is denial and you can still engage in it, however, with relapse, I know survivors know what they are doing, because as with any other addict, they stop going to their groups, they stop talking to their sponsors and they begin to hang with shady characters who will condone their using. Seeing this is easy, because the ‘high’ the survivor gets is the same, as well as the love bombing that occurs with the psychopath. Reality is gone, lost in the drug of choice. The good news is that there is still time to catch yourself during relapse and stop the drug from taking hold.

AWARENESS, SELF DISCIPLINE, BOUNDARIES will be our key to recovery and excellent relapse prevention. It is hard work, but YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Onward and upward.