Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I was in a live- in relationship with a sociopath for 1 1/2 years where everything was fine (except for the red flags) until I found out he was cheating. I kicked him out and subsequently found out that he was a textbook poster boy for a parasitic sociopath!! Everything about him was a lie! He was seeing at least 10 other women while living with me! A long story... Well, I made a clean break at the end of 2012 (I never confronted the sociopath that I knew all of the stuff about him - he just knew that I found out He was cheating, and I kicked his ass out promptly) and have been dating casually since then, mostly from online sites. I recently met someone I really like, but there were a few red flags. MY former sociopath SAID he moved to CA to be with his grandmother who had broken her hip. (There was no grandmother!!) This new guy, said he has recently moved back to the LA area because his mother has cancer and he is helping support her. Whenever I hear that a guy has moved from BLANK to be with BLANK because they have BLANK, it sets my spider senses going! But what are the chances???!!! I have great time with this guy. However, he ditched out on me new years eve at the last minute (eerily familiar) because he had to stay with his mom, and tonight he was supposed to come over at 6P for dinner, and that became 8P until i finally said, lets reschedule. Well the spider senses were fully engaged! And the tears were flowing! Too familiar! So I did a background check... Big misdemeanor criminal history - typical sociopath stuff, driving without a license, violation of a restraining order, theft, forgery blah blah blah. So now this guy thinks he is coming over for dinner tomorrow (to make up for tonight) and I don't know how to best extricate myself from this situation, I know from what I 've read, that you are not supposed to tell someone like him what you've found out, but I don't want him stalking me!!! I was thinking of saying that because his family commitments (even though they may be fictitious) seem to be, and should be his focus, that we wait until he is on the other side of that and re-evaluate. Advise?? I would love to say "hey shitbag, I found out you have an extensive criminal history, including DV, so Buh Bye, but I know that is not necessarily the bset course of action. And then of course there is the freak out that I attract sociopaths!! HELP!
VELVEETA
VELVEETA
I WOULD not be nebulous about this thing being over. Tell him in emphatic terms that you don't want to see him again. If he asks why, don't give him any specific information. It will open the door for excuses and negotiation. Make it clear that there is no opening for discussion or negotitation. You don't owe him in explanation. You are fortunate that he stood you up as it pts you in a position of owing him no consideration. Just tell him that you changed your mind, you DO NOT want to see him again, and to please not contact you.
I agree about the guys that claim to have moved back to my area to help care for a relative. I have been back in the dating pool since leaving a psychopath 16 months ago. At first, I did date one of these and he was a gentleman, but he didn't seem a good match for me, so I didn't see him again. After that, I noticed how common a background story this was on dating sites and I became suspicious. What better story could there be for a man who had no job, no place to go, was thrown out of a girlfriend's home and had to go stay with a relative? No thanks. There are plenty other fish in the sea. After being with a N/S/P, we don't need to be taking any unnecessary chances.
Congrats on being able to leave the 1st sociopath! I only wish i had the strength to do the same. My husband tells and told lies to other women like that as well. He would tell other women stuff like "Oh, um, my grandmother died so Im at her funeral in Mexico so I cant come see you this weekend" and then when he would disappear on me, he would just disappear and then reappear a few days later and say that "a cop took me to jail for the weekend because i got pulled over for speeding but didn't have my license or registration with me in the car so they took me to jail." Shit like that.
As for the 2nd douche-bag , I would be as frank as possible. Short and quick. I would just say that Its not going to work out and don't call me anymore. Short and simple. I wouldn't explain anything to him. Of coarse, Im giving advice that I cant even accomplish at the moment for myself, but I hope mt 2 cents helps. STAY STRONG!
Being direct may provoke a reaction that you neither want or need, the disorder is rooted in control .. if there's any breaking off to be done, it has to be done on their terms. You've probably already displayed signs of lowering your boundaries by not blowing him off after the New Years Eve disappointment. The predator in him will have already carefully noted this! Tread Carefully!