Hi Aagard - I am currently in a happy and healthy relationship with a man who, luckily, understands and is completely supportive. He actually gave me the strength to leave the N/S relationship. As I broke up with the N/S and then moved on some might say that I had no down time but the reality is that I had already emotionally separated myself from the horror that was my ex.

4 months before I began my relationship with my current partner my exN broke up with me after accusing me of cheating on him, being all about money, controlling....blah blah - the usual. It was 3 months before he tried to hoover me back but by this time I had begun the detachment and knew I didn't need him. He asked to talk and take me to dinner. I agreed.

Now understand I had made one good judgement call and that was NO CONTACT for the entire time but the one bad call was keeping in contact with his just as narcissistic sister. She told me he wanted to talk to me and I took the call and met for dinner. It was interesting as he had spent no time taking me out during our relationship but suddenly he took me to a place I had wanted to go to for ages. He of course had no cash and had to get it from his enabling sister. I agreed to a retry because I was not completely moved on but in my mind I gave him 2 weeks. During this time I was talking with my current partner via FB but we had not met yet as I was afraid for him and his family because I knew my N was vengeful and horrible.

Within the 2 weeks my N lied to me, kept things from me, phone on silent, didn't do anything different so the second Sunday I broke up with him in the morning and met my new partner for coffee in the afternoon. We have not been apart since and it's almost 2 years/

Of course my ex found out who I was going out with and then began a campaign of lies and rumours but what he didn't know was that the people he was talking to did not matter to me and those who did cut him off and out of his life. He tried to accuse me of hacking his computer and had his brother in law call me and threaten me but I kept to no contact no matter how horrible it became. Believe me it wasn't easy but the strength and understanding of my current partner got me through it.

There have been times when things get back to me that my exN is still attempting to ruin my reputation or have me deported from England (I am an american expat) but I remain distant. And, yes, there are times my current partner triggers me and I have strange responses or reactions but we work through them together. I slowly work through it all and of course my blog has helped unload as well as having a therapist helps.

I hope you find a new relationship and are lucky to heal and move as I did - I am working on myself everyday to remember I am always worth more then what my exN made me believe I was worth.

Good luck.

Yes! I've been reading your blog all day... since you've been on the other side of the fence (the girlfriend watching your boyfriend destroy his ex-wife), what were some things you noticed?

Did his ex-wife ever start dating or marry another man while you were with him?

From what I read in your blog, my ex and your ex could be the same person.
I need to find a N/S repellent before my ex's girlfriend leaves him (which I think is just around the corner by the way he's been acting recently). I'm wondering if a boyfriend would scare him off or just make things worse?

Make things worse in the short run, but better in the long-term?

Well there was 2 exes by N focused on while we were together - his exGF before me and his ex-wife but more the exGF because she gave back as good as he got but to be fair I am not sure what is true and what isn't. His ex-wife worked with him and was promoted beyond him and was well respected more then he was. During the time we were together he worked a total of 4 months out of 18 and in the end was medically retired but it was more out of his employer wanting to get rid of him then his true fitness for the job. He kept saying that his ex-wife was so illiterate that he had to fill out her application and push her to get the job. He took credit for her success.

He painted the exGF as a deranged, insane woman that beat her children, her horse and stalked him. Well after being in a relationship with him I can see why she did some of the things she did and how he would have driven her to do some of the things he SAID she did. Having spoken to her via FB afterward I can see why he hoovered her back and then she walked away from him.

Both women have moved on - his ex-wife met someone at work and the exGF met someone and moved to a far norther county. I myself have made sure he doesn't know where I live nor does he have my phone number anymore.

The best ex repellent is making yourself strong enough to keep to no contact and remove any connections he has to you- block him on FB, change your mobile number, change email address. You should only bring a BF into your life when you can look in the mirror and be happy with what you see and solid in who you are emotionally. The Post Traumatic Stress can last awhile as can the Cognitive Dissonance so you need to find someone, preferably a therapist, to talk through things with you to understand how to let go and move on. Make sure that the therapist understands what Narcissist Personality Disorder is and the Domestic Abuse can be emotional and mental - not only physical. Some therapists will re-victimise the victim unknowingly so they need to know about Cluster B disorders. It helps that I am a therapist but I needed one regardless. I hope this helps. XXX

Thanks Risingstar,

Yes, I'm actually a psychology major and it was my Dean who told me he was afraid for me. That I needed to put as much distance between my ex-husband & I as I legally could, and hinted that I should look up Cluster B's. That's how I stumbled on to NPD/ASPD almost 2 years ago so I know exactly what I'm dealing with.
Self-esteem speaking, I'm in a very good place now... actually better than I've ever been; however, the C-PTSD doesn't go away so easily. :-) I still have panic attacks every time I get a letter from my ex. I'm always wondering what legal maneuver with our kids is he going to pull next.

I was with my ex-husband on & off for 14 years. I'm not sure if my ex is trying to completely destroy me out of sheer anger due to the NC I finally initiated after speaking with my professors, or if he's simply trying to keep his girlfriend duped by destroying me.
(the ex's girlfriend is very jealous of me so it keeps the competition factor going)

I'm in one bind that possibly your ex's other women never were.... my ex & I have 2 children together so unfortunately 100% NC isn't possible.

My moving on is primarily because 1) I think my kids could use a good male model for once in their lives, and 2) to scare off the ex if his current gf leaves him. If he has no supply (including attention/fear from our kids), he's the type that just disappears completely from people's lives.

| am in a new relationship after 2 years, my ex hasnt bothered me as he left me for the girl he is with but he did after one year make contact with me and enquiring about my life etc..I think he was fishing and didnt get what he wanted and he did this while with the new girl. In my new relationship its been a struggle for me as I am so afraid of being in that awful narc situation again I see red flags every where but am not sure if any of them are real. The guy I am with now is not even close to being a nutcase he has some issues but they are harmless..he is respectful and caring not abusive doesnt do drugs or drink alot....and I was not attracted to him at first and loving him developed thru being friends with him and I usually have had fatal passionate abusive relationships and this is not even near that. But I stll find myself at times thrown back into the past and am triggered into a bit of a ptsd state..I still see a Therapist once every 2 weeks, the damage the ex did was so intense even after 2 years I still have to work at getting all the mental abuse to stop in my head. Gary the new guy understands all this and trys to be supportive and even if we dont work out I have learnt alot about myself and I have been very honest about how I feel and about what I will accept and not accept. I can walk away from relationships now..with the ex he was like crack to me I couldnt leave him..the more he abused mostly mental the harder I hung on and the moments I did feel strength he would pull me back in. I have very happy times with my new boyfriend and he would never think of yelling at me he is not that kind of person. I have enjoyed sooooooo much with him and it has been so relaxed. But everyone has their issues and his he is cheap forget about dining out lol..but he doesnt expect me dine him or anything like that. So its about finding balance I guess and figuring out whats important to u etc. For me enjoying time with someone who enjoys what you do and doesnt make every outing a horrific moment....god my brain always felt like it was leaking out of my ears with my ex I didnt know when he was going to snap and everything was always a scene. So there is life after well mine was a sociopath narc and god only knows what else...but it takes alot of work and therapy which helps me stay in reality and also helps me figure out whats going on when I cant seem to figure somethings out that would come easy to someone who hasnt been traumatized but for me everything mingles together at times...

Hi Ladytruee - everyday is a new day and it's a day further from your abusive ex. The crap in your head is Cognitive Dissonance and it's not nice. I sometimes still have it as well - also 2 years out. The best part is you recognise that it is not your current partner but the past and if you have a therapist it is good to take what is happening in your head and bring it out and talk about it and what it was and why it is so so significant to you.

I am not surprised he tried to hooover you back in. The exN/S come back like a bad penny and you need to work on yourself so that when they do you can just walk away. Unfortunately their re- appearing often triggers mental and physical reactions you hoped were gone. It's not easy but it sounds like you are taking the steps and succeeding in getting on with your life.

Hugs and good luck

Risingstar
jewishwarriorprincess.blogspot.com

Hi Aagard -

The fact that you still care what he thinks and what he is doing is worrying. Though it is understandable as you have children with the animal and you were with him such a long time. I can only hope that you are getting outside therapy to help you put things right and work with you to give you the strength you need for yourself and your children. My heart goes out to you and please don't bring an outside person into your life until you can look in the mirror and face things on your own. The outside person would only be something else for your exN to focus on to cause you pain and until you have the tools to put him in a place mentally and emotionally distant from your life you aren't ready yet to have a relationship.

Please take care of yourself and your children first - be careful and be strong. HUGS and prayers. xxx

Thanks both Ladytruee and Risingstar,

It's good to know that there's life after narcissism. I believe there are good people in the world, but I was really relieved to hear your ex started leaving you alone, Ladytruee.
I wish there were more success stories like that with people who have kids with a N/S.

When I escaped, we moved to a small town.
I wouldn't date anyone I've met here.
The area is isolated and DV is pretty prevalent so I plan to hold off on dating until we move closer to the metropolitan area UNLESS it would keep my ex at bay.

Like I said, self-esteem speaking, I'm very happy being me. No worries there. I was doing great until March when my grandmother passed away and my sister had her own mental break.

My ex came to my mother's house under the guise of seeing our kids and to wanting to "help me cope with my loss" (don't worry, I didn't break N/C - my mother sent him away).
Then the emails and court cases started up again shortly after - which based on the 14 years I "knew" him means there's the very good likelihood he's having relationship troubles.
Then Child support stopped this month for some reason so if he's unemployed again - it's a double whammy and one more reason to lash out at me.

Yea PTSD!

Hence, my recent panic attacks. Just typing that started my heart pounding.
I don't have a therapist here. There are only a handful in this area and they all have wait-lists.
That's the price of living by the ocean, I guess.

Please don't mistake my fear for "caring what he thinks".
It's more about worrying what he's going to do.

My ex has a large, extended military family and a sharp-shooting brother. According to my ex, all it would take is for him to: "call in that favor"

He's "joked" that he's going to drive our kids off a cliff and he's shown our daughter his "secret switchblade" so she can tell me about it.

My story is a little complicated.

My name is totally fake. My ex doesn't know about my blog. I deleted my Facebook account after several hacks that just happened to be from the library next door to my ex's old apartment.
I try to remain a ghost to the best of my ability. What I write about online is my own form of therapy.

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to have a healthy, safe relationship?!

I attempted one with someone I met online. It lasted for a year. Ugh, never again. I mean, think about it, if a man can fool you in real life....for years....how much easier could they fool you over the internet.

I honestly avoid any one who acts interested. I've had men interested and I try to nicely pass them up. And I was doing really good at avoiding, then this man moved in -right-next-door-to-me...geez! Go figure! One date and I knew it would never work. I do not think it was my fear either. I felt comfortable with him. But, he sent out several red flags. I am very proud that I recognized them! So, he's still my neighbor AND boy was I right about him.

Also, I have this deep gut feeling that no man will ever understand me or what I've been thru. And with my issues, I would not want to put anyone thru that.

I am glad to read that some of you have found healthy relationships. I'm very happy with myself and my life, just as it is. I suppose? it could happen to me one day, but not holding my breath or anything.

Yikes, I did not answer all of your question. To my knowledge, my ex knows nothing about anything I do. So no problems there. We have NO contact ever.

OMG... if I could scream to the world one thing, it would be to not date online.
(I tried to explain that yesterday to one of my girlfriends over the phone but I know it went in one ear and out the other)
I haven't met one normal person through internet dating - ESPECIALLY sites like POF, OKCupid, & Match. Even though I met my ex at work, internet dating was how he snared his other girlfriends.

@Cindy ----- I don't think there's anything wrong whatsoever with being single & happy. :-)
I feel the EXACT same way!!! The longer I'm single, the happier I am... and the more I think of how exhausting relationships actually are. It's just a ridiculous, unfounded stigma in our society (being single).

I like eating raw cookie dough and watching movies that make me cry without being put down about it.
I like having a clean house.
I like going on hikes just to get out and have some fresh air.
I like not having to listen to someone's loud & violent video game in the next room.
I like knowing for a fact that my bills got paid.
I like not feeling so incredibly angry all the time.
I like wearing yoga pants and t-shirts... AND COMFORTABLE GRANNY PANTIES.
I've put on 10lbs since leaving my ex AND I'M OKAY WITH IT! No more extreme paranoia about my looks.

I have a much longer "pro" list for being single than I do for being in a committed relationship.

The only reason I'm even considering dating or even hiring a "big brother" type is I was hoping it might deter my ex. He's a total coward so it wouldn't be a competitive thing like some guys. My ex would rather disappear than work or compete --- especially if our son had a positive male role-model and started admiring someone else.
If my ex would leave us alone, I'd happily stay single. Again, I really envy your sole custody!!!

Wow, my ex is a total coward with others too! Now, with us, he was a horrid bully. We were all afraid of him and he knew it. I've heard that's how bullies are - they prey on the weak, but in actuality are scaredy cats when it comes to anyone bigger or stronger than them.

With regards to your son, I get that! My son is nearly 17 and I do wish he had a good male role model as well. At first, he really liked the man next door that I dated, but over time, he also saw things that would've eventually ended our relationship.

My ex use to bug us as well. I even tried being decent friends with him for a while. God, what a mistake that was. I am hoping yours will eventually get eaten by aliens or wind up in the matrix, hehe. Keep your chin up hon.

I've been seeing someone for about 6 months now. I think I see several red flags...but I'm so unsure of myself anymore. First, we were already acquaintances, and within 2 months of me escaping my psycho, he started asking me out. He was very persistent...commenting on my FB posts, sending jokes via email...just platonic stuff mostly. After about 3 months of that, I finally went out with him. He seems to be impatient with me as I move through my healing process, suggesting that I have to "leave it behind me". I know that's true...eventually...but I need to move at my own pace, not his. I'm going on a vacation with him next week to California. I should be excited and looking forward to relaxing and enjoying the warmth, but instead, I'm ambivalent about what it will be like to spend an entire week with him...just the 2 of us!!

cindys reai,

ive been watching the posts here very closely after asking if anyone else met there there S,P,N on the internet or was i the only one. ( i thought i was the only one ) wow ,,,was i wrong. the amount of people here that responded and tell there stories is showing an alarming rate of these assholes are met online. please be very cautious of who you talk to online , i am on a couple sites still but mostly to just watch what goes on and i get msgs every day from men i believe are exactly what we are dealing with here. i never respond but am doing more like research i guess on this subject. the internet is dangerous and not a good playground to be playing on. i was watching our site last night and i saw mostly women but they were coming out of the wood work so to say, names id never seen before and i was overwelmed by the number of sad stories and hurt that we all carry now. those statistics are scary, at least 1 in 20 or more of the population with america being the worst, i wonder if that is the diagnosed and named sociopaths by the meantal health statistics??? they say you cant just label someone a sociopath without a proffesional diagnosing them first. so is that what these numbers come from??? because if it is there are millions still never diagnosed out there which would change those numbers drastically. the internet is the stalking place for these personality disordered losers so be very very careful looking for love online. bella ps im glad some of you have managed to have some kind of normal lives and found someone to share your life with your lucky and you deserve to be happy.