Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I took three years off from dating after ending a relationship with a N/S. I accepted it, healed, and then focused on myself in the years since. In November, I met someone who seemed so sweet and sincere. God, he seemed genuine and treated me really well at first. Sadly, it happened again. This time, however, I was better equipped. I googled him when the strange habits, excuses, and far fetched stories began.
It turns out he was a compulsive liar, an adulterer spanning over ten years, and had a wake of several victims who had created a blog devoted to him committing stolen valor (he's military) and committing adultery. When I confronted him on his lies, he denied, denied, denied and made all sorts of excuses for his actions, words, and behavior. I let his word garbage continue for a couple of weeks and gathered more lies. When he lied to me on Christmas Eve about what he was doing that night, I provided him with evidence from the blog (FOIA information including the document with his wife's name and address), words from other women. I also gathered tokens from his room from other women that he told me were from "coworkers." How many coworkers send cards with "XOXOXO" and talk about stripteases with him? And, yet he said somehow my assumptions were wrong.
Flash forward to the end which spanned the course of a week. It turns out he had no less than five of us women in his wraps at once (some here and some online)!!!! SICK!!!! When I couldn't take it anymore, I broke up with him and contacted his wife through social media. She's so sweet... She had to deal with this POS for years, his constant lies and excuses, and being contacted by his many victims. She badly wants a divorce but can't track him down to get him served since he is always taking "secret" assignments overseas as a civilian and as a reservist. Needless to say, she and I are now good friends. She knows where he is now. That was my gift to her.
What goes around comes around. I try to remember that. I recently witnessed proof of that when one of his victims reported him to leadership for adultery and he is now under investigation. She found the blog, too. It turns out he was dating both of us at once at the same base. Now his career and his marriage are about to end. Although I am hurt and angry that it happened again to me, I am thankful for strength and the knowledge I gained from this group, through counseling, and much online research. I am also thankful for making a new friend, his wife. Sometimes good can result from such a horrible experience.
Protect yourself and ALWAYS google someone before you date them. If a person sounds too good to be true, trust your gut when the lies and excuses begin. Run away as fast as you can away!
It turns out he was a compulsive liar, an adulterer spanning over ten years, and had a wake of several victims who had created a blog devoted to him committing stolen valor (he's military) and committing adultery. When I confronted him on his lies, he denied, denied, denied and made all sorts of excuses for his actions, words, and behavior. I let his word garbage continue for a couple of weeks and gathered more lies. When he lied to me on Christmas Eve about what he was doing that night, I provided him with evidence from the blog (FOIA information including the document with his wife's name and address), words from other women. I also gathered tokens from his room from other women that he told me were from "coworkers." How many coworkers send cards with "XOXOXO" and talk about stripteases with him? And, yet he said somehow my assumptions were wrong.
Flash forward to the end which spanned the course of a week. It turns out he had no less than five of us women in his wraps at once (some here and some online)!!!! SICK!!!! When I couldn't take it anymore, I broke up with him and contacted his wife through social media. She's so sweet... She had to deal with this POS for years, his constant lies and excuses, and being contacted by his many victims. She badly wants a divorce but can't track him down to get him served since he is always taking "secret" assignments overseas as a civilian and as a reservist. Needless to say, she and I are now good friends. She knows where he is now. That was my gift to her.
What goes around comes around. I try to remember that. I recently witnessed proof of that when one of his victims reported him to leadership for adultery and he is now under investigation. She found the blog, too. It turns out he was dating both of us at once at the same base. Now his career and his marriage are about to end. Although I am hurt and angry that it happened again to me, I am thankful for strength and the knowledge I gained from this group, through counseling, and much online research. I am also thankful for making a new friend, his wife. Sometimes good can result from such a horrible experience.
Protect yourself and ALWAYS google someone before you date them. If a person sounds too good to be true, trust your gut when the lies and excuses begin. Run away as fast as you can away!
One good thing is that you have support from his wife and other victims. I reached out to a few of the victims of this 2nd guy and at first, one of them wanted to meet me and learn of all the secrets I had discovered about him. She had been conned out of many thousands by him and married him believing him to be a successful doctor. She knew he was a psychopath and had the marriage annulled but was receiving a settlement from him, on a monthly basis, as part of the annulment due to his fraudulent identity and conning her out of all the money. So she quickly did a 180 on me and would not longer help with my case against him (rape) because she wanted to ensure that she still got her monthly payments from him, rather than him going to prison where he should be. Who cares if he goes out and destroys more lives, as long as he's still paying her (I guess that was her theory).
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It keeps happening to me too. I don't know how to stop it. I've been with the same psychologist since before this one I mentioned. I even met another a year later who was lying about being married, used a fake identity to create a google account and con his "best friend" (a married woman) into sexting with him throughout me and his relationship. She was believing he was a mutual friend of theirs (that he had created a fake account for) and the whole while he was going over there and hanging out with her and her husband, pretending to be their friend while doing this behind both of their backs. So it literally just keeps happening to me over and over and I seem powerless to stop it. My psychologist is amazed by it as well.
I wish I had some kind of advice or something to help. It's so ridiculous that this keeps happening to some people. I hope you continue to have the support and understanding of his other victims. And, of course, you have this group. *hugs*
I agree that it is a good idea to try to research someone before getting too close. Problem is, with advanced psychopaths and highly skilled liars, you won't find much. My guy lived double lives and was interacting with several women, but he was expert at hiding it. If you query his name, email, anything... you'll find nothing. On the rare occasion they get caught, When these freaks get caught, most of them just acquire more skills to go further undercover with their next victim. It makes me sick.
At any rate, I'm glad at least one of these guys is facing some consequences for a change. Thanks to you!
He was brilliantly prepared... he quickly explained how he was indeed still married but separated. He said he dated a woman who wanted to get married. He said that when he told her he was still just separated and not willing to file for divorce until his wife re-entered the workforce, the woman was furious. He broke up with her and she was vindictive. He claimed she then retaliated by spreading those "lies" across the dating site. He apologized profusely, pointing out the fact that he had been separated for a long time and that the divorce was coming soon. He blamed it all on his financial situation. He did, in fact, have his own apartment at the time so I believed him.
It just goes to show how devious these people are. They anticipate anything that might fall through their web of lies and are on-the-spot with believable cover-ups. By the end of our little confrontation, he had me feeling sorry for him because his ex wife was so lazy, sloppy, and greedy. I was embarassed that I had been snooping on him. I was even angry for him, thinking how unfair it was for this woman to take him to the cleaners while she enjoyed a work-free life of leisure. It makes me nauseous just thinking about that conversation and how I responded exactly the way he wanted me to (cringe). Was he laughing inside as he watched me dance to every string he pulled? Did it boost his ego and make him feel powerful? Did he gloat over it as he lay waiting to fall asleep that night? Arghh!!! I was such a fool...a love-struck idiot. To this day, I beat myself up for not being smarter. That man could've charmed his way out of just about anything.
Now, I would believe it if I got wind of a guy lying or cheating. I would end it without even revealing why.
I would even pay for a subscription to a cheaters website if it saved me from being victimized by another psychopath. These emotional predators are so hard to identify; which puts them at a distinct advantage.
He also lied about being single. About 6 months into our relationship, I found a marriage license for him and his recent "ex gf". I was in a rage and confronted him and he calmly told me he wasn't married (I could not find a divorce record anywhere). He quickly fabricated this massive web of lies about how and where he got a divorce (in another state) and why and blah blah blah. Told me he had the paperwork in his bdrm but never showed me. Anytime I brought it up he'd get angry at me. I believed him because as you said, he had his own apt and I was there all the time and there was nobody else there. Fast forward another year and I found out he was still married and was secretly talking to this woman every single day behind my back, never told her about me, lied to me and told me he never talked to any of his exes and hated them, etc. Just sleazy as sleazy gets. That was just the tip of the iceberg of his lies. It just amazes me that anyone is capable of such cruelty and emotional torture.
The latest update....I now have an attorney, a really good one, who is doing everything possible to save my military career which I have worked so hard for. Allegedly, I have been charged with adultery despite being single and never married and him lying to me saying he was never married (on three occasions to be exact). My ex is the focus of an investigation as one of the OW on base, a civilian who I do not know, filed a report against him for adultery. Word got out that I also had a relationship with him. This experience has been humiliating to say the least. Because I wear a uniform, as does he, my career could be negatively impacted.
I filed an order of protection against him a couple of weeks ago, upon the advice of my attorney and family. After three weeks of no communication after discovering the truth, he tried to stop by my room, made small talk, and then told me he planned to lie to investigators "about us." I did not let him in my room and refused to speak until he made that statement, at which time I responded, "you should never lie...especially to an investigator. You already lied to your wife, to me, to the other woman on base, and I know of several others who posted on a stolen valor blog about you. You caused all of us harm. You lied about who you are and what you do. You also cost me $6500 in attorneys fees. You should ALWAYS tell the truth. Stop lying." He responded, "I know." I then slammed the door in his face.
It really hurts that to be betrayed. It saddens me to know he has hurt so many women, however, his wife is the real victim in all of this. I'm proud of her strength and courage. She's already begun educating herself on N/S, started therapy and hired a divorce attorney. I shared some of the resources from this site and others with her and we talked about our experiences before I was informed I was part of the investigation. Thankfully, his wife is no longer in the dark. As hard as it must be for her, she has unveiled his mask after 11 years of lies. The saving grace in all of this madness is that she and I are friends, for which I am truly grateful. and he is no longer a part of our lives.
I am sorry if I jumped around a bit in my post. There are so many things I want to say but my thoughts are scattered due to the stress of this situation. Please know how very much I appreciate your willingness to share your advice and stories with me. It truly means a lot to me. I send you all my support, too.
I heard worst cases outside than inside these groups - and here we are protected by anonymity.
So, being a quantitative mind, I calculated that for adults over 40 who were somewhat promiscuous, it is IMPOSSIBLE not to have had a relationship with a hard core psycho. Probability, friends, probability: these guys/women occur, in a conservative estimate, at a 5% frequency in the population. I've had (in one way or the other) much more than 100 guys. And two were real hard core stuff. The last one was actually professional, as you know.
So, it's not us: they are out there.
And yes, just like in times of STDs we need to have protected sex, in times of fast dating, we need to do background check. Which, as AgentSmith well pointed out, does not make it bullet-proof...