is it your fault for being a kind , trusting , caring person who believed in someone or felt love for someone? no way. im assuming your kind, trusting, caring etc. I don't personally know you but most people who get involved with pyschos are kind natured people who aren't always so aware that there are very bad people in the world. we don't always choose who we love and that doesn't make it anyones fault. don't put such a harsh blame on yourself your frind was entitled to their opinion I guess but I don't see how you would do something on purpose that causes so much pain for your self. live and learn and don't blame yourself for being who you are. s,p, n's can be very appealing ad some of us are just drawn to their charm, that doesn't mean we are bad people. besides psychos usually target very good people with loving hearts. they dont go after mean nasty people because they don't have anything they want. im sorry your friend is gone but dont blame yourself it only makes things worse for you.

I am glad my so called friend is gone

then it must have been someone who hurt you badly. don't believe what others say to you about things like that being your fault. none of set out to intentionally make choices that cause us so much pain. people can say what ever they want but we get to decide what we think is true or not.

They say the same thing about victims of rape in some countries...that the women who get raped somehow brought it on themselves. Well, that's totally wrong.

When we are victimized by someone, it's not because we were too naive or too vulnerable...it's because the creep who abused us is a bad person. It's all on them...100%...and that's all there is to it.

Try to remind yourself of this. I forget it myself, and start to feel ashamed for "letting" my family and the bullies in school abuse me. But the truth is, I didn't let anyone do anything. When I got beat up in school, there were mobs of kids, up to a dozen older kids who chased me around and cornered me against the fence before they beat me up. The gates were locked during recess, I had no escape.

If someone takes advantage of us in a relationship, a school, or a family situation, it's their fault not ours. Please don't blame yourself. You've been hurt enough.

good way to see it Richie, thanks I needed that right now. I always have blamed myself I the past for things I had no control over, im starting to see things a little differently now. but I agree 100 % it is no ones fault that another person hurts them intentionally, they just have a way of making you think it is. its never your fault especially with a s,p,n because all you are guilty of is trying to love someone. its their fault for being capable of treating others so badly. not yours (ours )

I agree with everything that's been said. It's in no way your fault. They are people who only care about themselves and use other people to get what they want. They have no ability to change, so they will be stuck with themselves. We, however, are kind and caring people who have the capacity to change and grow and feel emotion. Feeling emotion is a normal part of being human and there is nothing wrong with showing love and trust towards someone.

I found a really great article awhile ago that I read over and over when I'm blaming myself. I hope it helps you!

http://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/life/new-ways-to-healing/

What a great article. I can see now that I've been backsliding on this issue, making excuses again for my family's abuse of me. I'll be reading this article over and over too. My father and my sister were truly abnormal people, there were many people who saw this when I couldn't because I was too close to them.

Before I understood his true nature, I couldn't figure out why so many people hated and feared my father.

Thank you so much for posting this.

no because everyone in a psychopaths life is a victim of theirs. they deceive people every day from the time they are little kids. they trick most people.

also when they find a victim they want they do everything to show the person that person wants to see.they are nice and say everything nice and act like the kindest person you will meet. they are lively outgoing optimistic people. when you go into the room you are drawn first to the psychopath because they are the one loud telling jokes and being the most interactive to everyone. a lot of them are also amazingly talented and can even seem intelligent and bright. so people are drawn to that.

people are in awe of them. they are admired by a lot of people. when they come into your life they can seem like a hero. they want to help all your troubles and go out of their way for you to be happy.

how would anyone know its all an act? they are the perfect most positive people when you meet them.

especially to those they want to impress such as future victims

who wouldn't want to date a psychopath when they first meet them during the charm phase?



my 5 yr old neice is a psychopath or some level of female psychopath cluster b. and she is the cutest kid there is and she is an amazing talented singer. she is also the most pleasant nice person to be around at times. she stands out as the nicest kid from her siblings. except for on the days when she is going to the other phases of psychopath.

she is the favorite kid of her mother and grandparents. even tho I notice she does evil things when no one is noticing and she has all the strong traits of a psychopath. but no one would know.

survivor,

Great article. I believe it is true. It is not our fault. I am a little confused how I got involved with another P 10 years after leaving the first. I basically have had 2 love relationships in my adult life--both with P's. I did the work after the first one. I read everything available. There was not much available 12-14 years ago. I believe I was the first victim to write from the victim's perspective. I wrote a book and re-wrote it 8 times over 3 years. I understood what had happened to me inside and out.

I was not very interested in having another relationship because being single was a great relief after 30 years of hell. I would sporadically look at dating sites, more for entertainment purposes, than anything else. In the 10th year of my freedom, a man started pursuing me online, on a daily basis. Pretty soon, the love-bombing commenced. I ended up living with him for 2 years. He was a psychopath.

I don't understand why this happened to me twice. I have a clue: After the first one, all the other men I ever met seemed boring to me. This was true during the 30 years I was married to him, and it was true during the 10 years I was single. The second P was the firs interesting man (to me) that I met after the first.

I am thinking it can happen to literally anyone the first time. But after the first one, I wonder if we are kind of spoiled for ordinary men? I mean. I had only the slightest openness or interest in meeting a man, but the second P bull-dozed me with his energy and charm.

I think we try to recreate the good feelings we had in our relationship with the person who tormented us...the early stages of a relationship, the happy times in a family with abusive parents. Subconsciously we want those feelings back, so we look for someone who resembles the person who gave us those feelings.

Seems like all my relationships were with cold women who dumped me when I was no longer useful to them. I must gravitate to that kind of personality because that's the way my family treated me and I don't really know anything else. When someone is very kind to me, I get suspicious...this can't be real, people aren't kind. I always seemed to wind up with the bad girls, the ones who had illegal drugs stashed in their purses or the ones who couldn't even go to the beach for a few hours without stopping for beer or liquor on the way.

I suppose being raised by a mother who drank a lot might have something to do with it too. In Al-Anon, they told us that children of alcoholics usually wind up in relationships with drunks and drug addicts. Maybe it's the same mechanism happening in relationships with psychopaths.

I don't know Richie. My mother was personality-disordered, but I have never been able to see how that affected me because I do not recall a single kind word from her. I always feared her and hid from her in our house. I never felt any warmth toward her. I was not drawn to her in any way. She was a totally different kind of PD than my 2 mates. I believe she was/is BPD--always unpleasant, no charm whatsoever.

If anything, I viewed the 2 psychopaths as being opposite of her. It may be true that children of BPD's are attracted to P's. BPD's kill endorphins and P's make them shoot like fireworks. Someone should do a research on that.

How about here? Anyone else have a "Mommy Dearest" for a parent? And later, date or marry a psychopath?