Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
My Ex and I (with the exception of a 6 month break up a year and a half in) have been together since April of 2009. He married another woman who lives in a different state, June of, 2013, 6 months before I took him to his dream vacation for his birhtday. The day of his marriage he sent me a text indicating that he was going to be "Distant" for a while and that he loves me and thanks me for being part of his turbulent life. I respected that because I thought it was one of his "depressive moods", little did I know it was all a cover up.
I knew of her during our relationship, as a “woman he was involved with in the past”, but I went to friend his daughter on Facebook and noticed an odd post by a woman that his daughter called “Bonus Mom”… when I clicked on her profile, there was the wedding picture. I am so humiliated. Everything I have ever done for him, all for lies. He swore he would be truthful with me, knowing my past which not even a lot of people fully know about the many times I have been lied to and cheated on. His response in a text message was “I had a major lapse in judgment, we are dissolving the marriage as of last Thursday, my apologies and my goodbyes.” No remorse, no guilt.
Since then we have talked a little bit and got SOME answers, some half answers, but not sure if I believe them, and it doesn’t change anything. All of his responses have been in form of text or email. Very little vocal communication. He doesn’t want me to cut him out of my life, but I am so humiliated and used, I hate him. But I still love him, or the idea of who he was to me. What makes it worse is I lost my very best friend in the whole wide world. If he would have told me, when I repeatedly told him I envisioned a future for us, that he didn’t have that same feeling, MAYBE we could have been friends, but instead he strings me along for YEARS, and marries someone else? I have been there for him, remained with him through our ups and downs (mostly his downs) due to lack of work, emotional support, grieving for the "wrongs" that have been done to him. I was there to support and pray for him through it all. I wanted him to know I was sticking it out because he could rely on me to get through it together and we could really have a happy life together. He didn't have to be prideful and he could lean on me when in need. I am so disgusted and hurt, it’s beyond ridiculous. This far outweighs “Cheating” even though that’s exactly what it is, multiplied by a billion times.
I can’t handle this crap. I hate being in my house, I bought a house in a neighborhood which he opened me up to instead of staying in the city (which I was looking and involved him in the entire process - he made it clear it was still my house though because he didn't wan to take away my accomplishments. Druing the process I asked him to move in with me, and he responded "how long before you want a ring on your finger, because I am not ready for that", but yet he marries another woman, and says "there is more to the story" but fails to tell me all of it.
I hate being out there because everywhere I go, I feel like I am going to see him. And I am so close to him and gave him every bit of me, I have nothing left. I know I wasn’t perfect, but my God in heaven, that is NO reason to marry another woman without breaking up with your current girlfriend. I am just in shock… Still
I could go on and on about the betrayal, I have started therapy to get me through this. I am very strong willed, and have survived so much, but the one person in the whole wide world that I thought would not do this to me, did, and I am broken and humiliated and I don't know if I can pick up the pieces. I wish I could have seen the signs, but we have always had an "odd" relationship from the beginning. We are both very independent, and I needed that given my issues, but I felt like we were finally moving towards something. Now, I am stuck in a house that I see him everywhere, and can't go anywhere. I can't function at work, and I am about to take a new job to consult to get away, distract me, so I can regain some sort of comfort in my home.
Could this be what he is? Or is he just a lying, cowardly, selfish, cheating bastard? I'm so alone... all of my friends are beyond pissed, and we have all been cheated on, but I don't think anyone can understand what I am truly going through. I just want to wake up from my nightmare.
I knew of her during our relationship, as a “woman he was involved with in the past”, but I went to friend his daughter on Facebook and noticed an odd post by a woman that his daughter called “Bonus Mom”… when I clicked on her profile, there was the wedding picture. I am so humiliated. Everything I have ever done for him, all for lies. He swore he would be truthful with me, knowing my past which not even a lot of people fully know about the many times I have been lied to and cheated on. His response in a text message was “I had a major lapse in judgment, we are dissolving the marriage as of last Thursday, my apologies and my goodbyes.” No remorse, no guilt.
Since then we have talked a little bit and got SOME answers, some half answers, but not sure if I believe them, and it doesn’t change anything. All of his responses have been in form of text or email. Very little vocal communication. He doesn’t want me to cut him out of my life, but I am so humiliated and used, I hate him. But I still love him, or the idea of who he was to me. What makes it worse is I lost my very best friend in the whole wide world. If he would have told me, when I repeatedly told him I envisioned a future for us, that he didn’t have that same feeling, MAYBE we could have been friends, but instead he strings me along for YEARS, and marries someone else? I have been there for him, remained with him through our ups and downs (mostly his downs) due to lack of work, emotional support, grieving for the "wrongs" that have been done to him. I was there to support and pray for him through it all. I wanted him to know I was sticking it out because he could rely on me to get through it together and we could really have a happy life together. He didn't have to be prideful and he could lean on me when in need. I am so disgusted and hurt, it’s beyond ridiculous. This far outweighs “Cheating” even though that’s exactly what it is, multiplied by a billion times.
I can’t handle this crap. I hate being in my house, I bought a house in a neighborhood which he opened me up to instead of staying in the city (which I was looking and involved him in the entire process - he made it clear it was still my house though because he didn't wan to take away my accomplishments. Druing the process I asked him to move in with me, and he responded "how long before you want a ring on your finger, because I am not ready for that", but yet he marries another woman, and says "there is more to the story" but fails to tell me all of it.
I hate being out there because everywhere I go, I feel like I am going to see him. And I am so close to him and gave him every bit of me, I have nothing left. I know I wasn’t perfect, but my God in heaven, that is NO reason to marry another woman without breaking up with your current girlfriend. I am just in shock… Still
I could go on and on about the betrayal, I have started therapy to get me through this. I am very strong willed, and have survived so much, but the one person in the whole wide world that I thought would not do this to me, did, and I am broken and humiliated and I don't know if I can pick up the pieces. I wish I could have seen the signs, but we have always had an "odd" relationship from the beginning. We are both very independent, and I needed that given my issues, but I felt like we were finally moving towards something. Now, I am stuck in a house that I see him everywhere, and can't go anywhere. I can't function at work, and I am about to take a new job to consult to get away, distract me, so I can regain some sort of comfort in my home.
Could this be what he is? Or is he just a lying, cowardly, selfish, cheating bastard? I'm so alone... all of my friends are beyond pissed, and we have all been cheated on, but I don't think anyone can understand what I am truly going through. I just want to wake up from my nightmare.
When victims of sociopaths find out that their "Mr. Perfect" is a completely different person than they thought he is, it is a giant rug pull. It turns your life upside down. I totally get it! I think it's great that you are in therapy to get through this, and you WILL get through it. The one thing (in my humble opinion) that is crucial in moving forward, is a very strict no contact rule! Change your numbers, go dark on social media for a while, and do not respond to him or reach out to him no matter what. It is very hard, but worth it in the long run to be rid of a lying parasite.
For me, one of the worst things was wondering what the truth about everything is...I will never know the full truth about my s-path, you probably won't either. You have to focus on yourself, and not him.
A read a book that helped me connect many dots about what was happening to me.. it's called "Romantic Deception" by Dr. Sally Caldwell - there is an eBook available.
Good luck, and be strong. I'm happy to support you in any way I can.
I suspect he is a sociopath. The relationship pattern your describe is not normal, and meshes with that of many stories of sociopaths I have read, and also with that of my XP.
I with with XP 3 years. He disappeared on me, repeatedly, in the first 6 months, and often dropped hints about other women. For the next 5 months, he had an affair with his second ex-wife. During those five months, he spent about 3 nights a week with me, and was online with me for hours every day. He spent 2-4 hours almost daily online and on the phone with his ex-wife, having cyber and phone sex. He sexted with her while having sex with me, but I didn't know what he was doing until later.
In the 2 years following the first, we lived together, and he started insane fights all the time which resulted in us being apart approximately one week out of every month. I now think this had to do with his needing time out for his cheating activities. I caught him constantly perusing dating sites and texting other women when we were together.
When I found out about his ex-wife near the end of our first year, she and I talked on the phone for many hours over a week. The relationship pattern she described having with him matches what you describe. They were together 10 years, married the first 3. Throughout all 10 years, they maintained separate homes. They broke up frequently and spent weeks or months apart. Through his most recent 5-month affair with her, he never so much as hinted he had a girlfriend. She did not know there had EVER been another woman in his life throughout their 10 years together. XP had an on-again-off-again lover of 7 years whom he considered his best friend. He had taken a Caribbean vacation with her, and spent many concert weekends with her over 7 years. The ex-wife was flabbergasted to hear this, as she had never even heard the woman's name. She said XP had always told her he had no female friends. XP had gone on vacations with other women through those years, had numerous girlfriends, and as I had yet to discover, was an Internet catfish with dozens of fish in his met.
The ex-wife had gone 10 years without even a suspicion of other women, in spite of XP's frequent disappearances. She described him doing to her what he did to me, in causing separations. He started stupid fights with her or got her to fight with his freinds, then he left. He did the same to me, for 3 years, though in our case, I was the one who left--which was what he wanted me to do, so that he could cheat. Then we would get back together. The ex-wife had always assumed, as you did, that his behavior was due to mental illness, not lying and cheating. She had bought XP's extremely adamant lies about how moral and principled he was and how he would never cheat.
A sociopath often conducts a longterm relationship with this pattern because monogamy is impossible for him. If there is a particular woman he feels he cannot do without (lucky lucky us), he will pretend monogamy, while whoring around behind her back, frame her as abusive or impossible to get along with, or perhaps, in your case, "independent," wanting her own life. He will keep up the act until he is busted. Yours was caught being married to another woman. That's about as busted as a guy can get. My XP was busted in his longterm act with his ex-wife by me who contacted her. He was busted again by me over and over and over. I confronted him every time every time I caught him cheating which was almost every day. I had been married, for 30 years, to one of these bastards. He should have known better than to think he could pull it off with me. I suppose it was a giant game challenge to him, as he knew my history.
There are many, many stories like yours on this site: psychopathfree.com.
Again, I am sorry.
I know she knows about the wife because she liked all the photos on Facebook. He even married the woman in a shirt I bought for him. I really, and honestly truly thought he suffered from depression. I never in a million years imagined that he would even cheat on me, let alone do what he did. I cannot tell my family, because they will never let me live it down. When I mentioned the shirt he denied it, but then said "What, why does it have to be about money, those were gifts, do you want everything back?" Not understanding the point of the sentimental value placed on my love for him and giving him things because I loved him. I mean, did he think I was blessing the union?
When he would pull his disappearing acts, he said it was because of his "emotions", turns out he was with her as far as I can gather. I can't get straight answers from him and I am desperately wanting some closure. I find myself seeking answers in desperation, and I am googling, etc all the time. I don't want to reach out to the wife because I am fearful of what could happen. While he has NEVER been violent to me, he has had some anger issues in the past. He would always say he would detach himself when he was angry in fear that he might hurt them emotionally, but he could never understand that when he did that, he still ended up hurting the person.
I mean, I have to assume I was the mistress all along. When he was caught, he was like "eh, whatever" and that's what shocks me the most. I mean, how could he do this to me after everything, but what's worse, how could he do that to her, and involve his child? Who the hell does that? When he finally opened up about it (via text, and some minor communication), he stated that he knew he would never be accepted by my family, so he pulled back (He is black, I am white), but this was one part of my family, and truthfully, I was the one in love with him, so who cares. It's no excuse to go an marry someone else without breaking up with someone first.
I only met his daughter, no one else, and now I know why. She is friends with them on Facebook, all of them. Went to his mothers 75th birthday before she died, and he pushed me away from the funeral so that I wouldn't go. I told him it needed to be about grieving their mother, but I should be there for him, even if I am in the back,. I didn't want it to turn out about us, when it should have been about the loss of their mother. No turns out it was because his wife came.
He tells me they are dissolving the marriage, but it has nothing to do with whether I am in his life or not. But won't give me more information. I am having such a hard time of dealing with this. All I do is look around and see him (mentally) and all the moments we shared. The conversations we had about people who intentionally hurt other people via cheating, etc... and how it's wrong. The person I loved was not the same person.
Like I said, if I reach out to her, I don't know what could happen. If they really aren't dissolving the marriage, and she finds out about me, what does that mean for me? I am in this house, by myself, and while I believe he would not come after me, I just don't know anymore, because clearly I don't know who he is or what he was/is capable of. I live 5 minutes from him.
I'm just in utter disbelief. I did date a sociopath for a long time before I moved here, and he knew everything about that relationship and what transpired. That and my crazy abusive ex-husband who wrapped all his devious behavior in the fact that he was saved by Jesus, and that made it okay. He knew all of that, so I feel like I left him room to come in and navigate me perfectly, and play me like a fiddle. It's so humiliating.
My ex was married before and during me and when he got married he had a gf, like you were in this situation. My ex married and never told his gf. Eventually he left an email out and the wife saw it and contacted the gf. The gf was crushed but she left.
I'm going to suggest you stop ALL contact immediately. You will not get any honesty from him. Stop this. You show him that you aren't still some idiot that will pine for him. He did you wrong on every level...please gather what is left of your self respect and stop all contact. What do you really need to know? He's a liar, fraud, and sociopath. All you will get are lies while you look pathetic to him for "caring". I'm sorry this harsh but I've been there. Be glad you are not his wife - poor lady. You can have your life back. No more "oddness", denial, disappearing. You can do this. Be empowered.
His lack of emotional response to being caught indicates a shallow emotional life. Your pain, your betrayal, is no big deal to him. If he were to articulate how he really feels about being confronted, it would probably be something like, "Get off my back, woman." It is no big deal to him that he married another woman in a shirt you gave to him, while he continued to pretend a relationship with you. It is no big deal to him that you have caught him living a double life. These things have never bothered him much,so to him, you are making a big deal over nothing. In essence, HIS emotional life is nothing, and he doesn't believe in yours.
It is not surprising he never got violent with you, as it appears you always believed and trusted in him, gave him your full support in whatever he "needed," whether ti was togetherness or distance, accepted the relationship never moving forward. Bascially, he always got his way, which is a requirment sociopaths have for their relationships. If the partner doesn't agree to these terms, there will be fighting, and eventually, there will be violence.
I would not be surprised if the marriage is ending, but that probably has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him. Perhaps his wife is not so compliant.
I am sorry you have gone through this. Again.
He's doing damage control in case you tell the wife. Put your head up and take the high road. You deserve better and he will NEVER give you that.
I understand your disbelief and shock, one year on I still have moments like that, this tells you that you are psychologically healthy and he isn't. What kind of person could do something like this?
It might take a long time to fully accept that this is what happened, he is trying to manipulate you again but the best thing for you is to gather the facts and know the truth in your heart. Remember it each time he pulls at your heartstrings, I wanted to believe my ex so much because I loved him but the love was a lie.
This man has made a serious commitment to another woman, marriage is as serious as it gets but has lied to his wife and to you. I guarantee you now that there was probably a reason that is not connected to love for this marriage, she may have money, a home, something he needed . These men use, they don't love, cheating is just a part of the abuse of your emotions.
My ex would pick fights and during our five year relationship I would all up and leave periodically, I don't know if he cheated but I suspect he did. He had a history of cheating but made out He was faithful to me, I will never know exactly what happened because the worst of it with him was other types of emotional abuse.
Stay strong, cut contact with him, find out the truth for yourself and know it. I had my exes email log in and bank log in, I knew what he was really doing after we broke up. I didn't buy his story of being a victim. But they are tricky, keep your faith in what you know.
I have to accept what is and what was. There have been questions raised that my mother is a sociopath as well, which is a very long story, but oddly, similar. I guess the scary thing is for me is to learn to recognize the behavior, but it's pretty much been the only thing I have ever known.
I am truly devastated, but will try to find the will to trust again. Therapy is helping, I think. I just have to open myself up to it, which given the circumstances is very hard.
I did cut communication with him, but I did email him this morning, but that was it. I don't need the toxicity in my life. But now, I just want to move, which is a habit for me because everything reminds me of him. Unfortunately it's not that easy. I am giving myself 6 months to stick it out, and try to find a way to feel comfortable and happy in my home, otherwise it's going on the market. Everything we did here together is like a slap in the face.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. It's good to speak with those that have experienced very similar circumstances, because none of my friends have been through this.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Over time the healing will help you, keep living in the truth of what really happened though as he may continue to try to manipulate your sense of reality. They are great manipulators, they need to keep control.