I'm new to posting on this site. In fact, like some others, this is the first site I have ever posted on. I am gladly on my own now, away from my husband of 40 years, and trying to rebuild my life, which isn't that easy to do when you are in your 60's. The truth is, I'm not exactly sure what my ex spouse is. It's not simple to diagnose, even though I have been to therapists over the years. My present one suspects he is narcissistic, perhaps adult aspergers (which can also cause the lack of emotion and intimacy others have experienced), a pathelogical liar. My last appointment she added possible sociopathic tendencies to the list. Like so many of you, I have been traumatized by the reality that he may have been lying to me for much of my marriage, and hiding things. That I was the "normal" front that he hid behind, projecting to the world that there couldn't be anything wrong with him if he had me as his wife. Close family members, including our grown children, have always written off some of his behaviors as harmless, but definitely odd.

There are a few things that haunt me, however, and still cause confusion. Any insight would be welcome. One New Year's Eve we went out with another couple that he knew, and I did not know as well. The wife worked at that time as a secretary for my husband. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I walked back to our table, my ex was sitting at the table calmly smoking a cigarette in a way that not only projected 'i am totally a cool, sexy guy," but like he smoked all the time. You may think this a small thing, but it really wasn't, when to my knowledge as his wife of 30+ years my husband never smoked, never smelled of smoke, never told me he smoked. It was like the man sitting at the table was someone with a totally different persona. Someone I did not recognize. When I said to him, 'what are you doing? You don't smoke!" he just shrugged his shoulders and said "Sometimes I do." It was a clear red flag to me he had another persona, a secret other life he was hiding from me.

A few years ago he returned home for the weekend and drank some wine with dinner. Afterwards we were watching television and a violent scene came on (the kind where one animal is killing another--I can't stand to see animals get hurt). I calmly reached for the remote to change the channel and he grabbed it from my hand and threw it across the room so hard it put a dent in the door. He turned on me like a wild animal, and his eyes were like nothing I had ever seen before. I've read some of your descriptions and all I can say is it was like he was possessed. I'm not exaggerating. They were evil in a way I'd never seen before. I remind you, at this point we'd been married 37 years. He went into a furor and started calling me names I can't repeat. I was not only shocked, but scared for my life. He had never been physically abusive with me, but I thought he might have snapped.

The last and final time was perhaps the most upsetting because of how it played out. It was a peaceful Saturday morning and I was standing at the stove making us both a healthy omelet. He was sitting in the kitchen chatting calmly and normally about the usual things--the kids, the weather, the neighborhood gossip, as normal and friendly as can be. I just happened to turn around quickly to grab something off the counter and I stopped, shocked. He was staring at me with the most cold, evil eyes I could imagine. Again like being possessed. They were not his eyes. They were evil, evil eyes. (Just for the heck of it I once tried to make eyes like that--full of hate and furor--and I couldn't. I don't think it's something anyone who is normal can do!). My whole body began shaking and I said to him firmly "Why are you looking at me like that?" He said "Like what?" All I could do was put down the spatula and say to him, "I'm protected by the light of God an whatever darkness you are throwing at me will bounce off me and come back to you threefold." I went into the bedroom and locked the door.

I'd appreciate hearing from others who have experienced this. As I said, I have recently left this man and am working to heal from thinking the life I thought I had with someone was full of so many secrets an lies (he, by the way swore he was "happy" in our marriage the entire time). It's just hard to move on from something that I still really don't understand, and have never experienced with any other living person. Much thanks.