I am sorry Johnny, I know that is hurting. Dont be too hard on yourself. We all get weak moments or have had weak moments, but what they will do is only hurt us further. They cannot be trusted and feed us lies and empty promises. They lie to protect them from being found out, about cheating, their manipulations and lies. I hope you will feel better, you will by time. When we really see them for who they are and that they wont change then I think we will be on the way to be able to move on..we do think maybe they can change maybe they are not so bad as they behave...but thats not usually true..they dont change.

My exS still says he loves me and even said he wants to marry me, I do..but I know its only words. Right after they say they love you and so on they still go on with their life and act like they dont care at all.

act like they dont care at all..which they dont*

You are right "They cannot be trusted". I should have known better. Today I am deleting all his pictures, texts, emails, and contact info. Next time if i'm tempted I'll have noway of reaching him. I feel like such an idiot right now. I try to explain whats going with the few of my friends and they just don't get it. They say "just move on", I wish it was that easy. I see the therapist on thursday. Hopefully ill get some relief.

You are not an idiot,Johnny. These sociopaths are so clever at hiding their true selves until its too late for us. Its good if you delete info about him and stuff, I have deleted my whole account on FB, dont want to see something that might hurt me. People who hasnt experienced a sociopaths have no idea how the pain we have gone through. I hope the therapist will be helpful to you.

Sorry your friends are unsupportive. But there is a phrase I repeated a lot years ago during my attraction to another psychopath: "relapse is part of recovery." Don't beat yourself up for this. The chemicals released in our brains during our time with these lunatics is like any other drug. It makes us feel high. And we want that feeling again. Especially when we're super depressed and we know they can make us feel better again (temporarily). So think of it as a detoxification from a drug. It's not easy. My favorite self help book of all (just bought it again for the 2nd time as I gave my 1st copy away) is called "Facing Love Addiction." It's worth checking out.

You're taking some very good steps in deleting all his contact info. Also, if you can, block his number in case he tries to contact you again in the future (they usually do). *hugs*

I'm so sorry Johnny. :(

I try to think of it this way:

1- We are the empathetic ones, with the capacity to love and be loved. We are alive. We may be in pain sometimes, but we also get to feel joy sometimes too.

2- N/S/P's are not empathetic and they lack the capacity to love or be loved. Therefore they are not fully alive. They never get to feel joy, and they would die in agony without Narcissistic Supply. Seriously, if you locked them in a room alone, within an hour they’d impulsively be wearing their socks on their hands like puppets, just so they could have someone to lie to, or to ‘mind f***, or to tell them how gorgeous /fabulous they are.

3- The DMS IV puts N/S/P's in the same category as severely mentally handicapped people, in terms of cure rate. Nothing else is in that category. Just those two.

4- Severely mentally handicapped people can love and be loved. N/S/P's cannot.

5- You are in love with what he could have been, not with who he is. Would you love a severely handicapped person for who they could have been? No. You would love them for who they are. So if you want to truly try to love your xN/S/P, you would have to love the REAL him. The a$$clown. Was he loveable when you contacted him? Well, that’s the real him, darlin.

Conclusion- You are in love with “The Easter Bunny from ‘Monty Python and The Holy Grail’.” He looks all fuzzy and cuddly and warm and harmless...until he pounces on you chews off your head.

And if you ever find yourself feeling jealous of any other men he might be with, picture him rushing about town, with his umbilical cord in his hand, looking for someplace to plug it in for more Supply. That’s him. And that’s all any of you are to him...Supply.

For me, this helped my recovery after a very hard break up with an xN.
I hope it helps you, Johnny.
((hugs))

I am so happy to hear that, mtumotr! :)
((hugs))

onthemend101 Good advice!!! Whenever he comes to mind I quickly change my thought to "How can I be a better person, How can I make someones life better, I should try to connect more with strangers" Yikes I'm psychopath bait lol.

On monday he did text me "Happy memorial day" I thought this was strange since he wouldn't talk to me on the phone but then again when you text you don't need to be connected if that makes any sense. I replied "thanks"
Thank goodness i see my therapist on thursday. Ive had a difficult 3 days.
"NO CONTACT" is the phrase that seems to be the mantra of recovery. I want to see him. I want to tell him he's a psychopath, I sure have some issues to work out.

@AgentSmith: the relapse moments are so powerful and deceiving as we are so tempted to give credit to what we thought ie was perfect and incredibly beautiful during the relationship w S/N but not to what he or she actually IS. I've been going through these moments so many times and I did countless mistakes as went back to him ignoring the big red flags as I was so deeply emotionally involved. But this occurred because at that time I wasn't sure why his behaviour is so senseless, (had no clue about sociopathy other then what media feeds us) until I started to read about it and from that point things became easier on how to detach and see clearly. But it's still hard, and my story is so incredibly twisted that when I look back is like I was just part of a sick nightmare... It's been only 2 months since no contact, so I'm still "fresh" into my recovery, and probably not ready to share all the "good" stuff with all of you. But I'm sure one day I will as I hope it will bring help to many of us here, finding more answers and speeding up recovery.
@onthemend10: you're so true when you said that the true him is when contacting and needed help/closure and support, and he just turned your back on you. I remember that my exS/P started to give me the silent treatment once I confronted him about his odd behaviour. The only thing he said to this was that it was only MY fault, and that I can do or say whatever I feel/think it may help with MY situation. Go figure!!!(:

I thought I could get my exS to wake up ( told him once or twice I think he is a sociopath or psyhcopath ), but I have come to realize that it doesnt help pointing out what he do wrong. It doesnt help telling them how they harm us, that they are sociopaths or psychopaths, they dont see anything wrong with their behavior so it goes for deaf ears when it comes to them. I am not even sure if they would google up psychopathy and if they did I am sure they would just look at it and think whats that.

Johnny: Ugh!!! That c'mere get away crap is SO mind bending and heart breaking!
And they all do it!
They are only accessible on THEIR terms...it's about control. Once we're 'hookewd' we're just like puppets they like to toy with.
Glad you have counseling soon!

@JohnnyFC: I did confronted mine somehow joking about the term "sociopath"; he replied that "they" (sociopaths?) process things differently. Later one, when I decided that this emotional turmoil is simply ridiculous and toxic and it needs to stop, as I realized what is actually going on after reading a lot about sociopathy, I basically text him and told him what I really think is happening between me and him, he simply told me that I'm delusional, it's my fault and I can believe whatever. Of course he had nothing to say, as he felt exposed and without any "tools" on his hands to manipulate me more. I sincerely wished he could explained himself and ended this in cordial terms. But of course I expected the normal to happening as I forgot for an instant that he is not normal. Being able to stay away and deal with the obession and the intrusive thought is an unbearable pain. But every time I think about those "magic" moments he created for me, I suddenly thin that everything was just a sick lie in order to feed his narcissistic needs. That's all. And then it gets better!:) It's nasty, but it's not impossible to let go, I think...

Yes onthemend10, it's all about power and control. It's about finding the most torturous ways to keep us down and submissive. Once we stand up for ourselves, we are of no use for them.
Now I'm getting the cold shoulder from my ex S which one of the most incredible emotional torture. He wants to make me feel as an useless object, a trash can, something that it simply doesn't exist. From somebody telling you that he will do anything for you, being always there for you, helpful, understandable, loving and all that jazz, to giving you the silent treatment as he simply doesn't care, is kind of a big gap...

@sandbook: Mt NM has been doing that 'silent treatment' D & D to me for 3-4 years now...I don't even remember how long ... and you are spot on when you say it's "incredible emotional torture". And yes, they do it to make us feel like a useless object. I seriously think they are evil.