Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I am trying to stay strong for no contact, and work through what I've been through in a healthy way. Besides cleaning up the financial/logistical wreckage in the aftermath and putting my life together practically, I am reaching out to friends, seeing a therapist, focusing on my studies, exercising, and taking care of myself best I can.
All of my friends and family are loving and supportive (thank goodness) but no one really understands what I've been through. They get the impression that I dated a sketchy loser who eventually cheated and broke my heart. I mean, everyone has at least one bad ex that they call a socio/psychopath, right? Even my therapist doesn't seem to really "get it."
I moved to a new country (continent, actually) to be with him. In 3 years, he never met my family or my friends. (Except for one friend, who immediately and strongly disliked him. Naturally, I lost her.) I was isolated, living with him in a tiny apartment in a new country and culture and therefore completely emotionally dependent and swept up in his lies and manipulating.
He cheated multiple times, denying it with complete conviction even when the evidence was right there in front of us. It always happened that I "misread the situation/conversation....I had trust issues....I was crazy....how could I have so little faith in him and our relationship...." and ended with me begging him not to break up with me or stop talking to me because of my "lack of faith." Details of the stories that never added up....things he swore he told me but never did....sometimes telling me the complete opposite of what he'd said previously and told me I remembered wrong. Same with money. He owes me a lottt of money. He discarded me this summer for a new victim while I was home visiting my family, though he still denies everything and says he just needs time to "find himself and resolve his issues with depression and loneliness." and will come back to me when he's ready (These are things I struggle with (depression, etc) that appeal deeply to my empathy and fostered our initial "deep connection." He is trying to make sure he leaves the door open with me to be able to come back when he needs.)
Everything was always turned around on me. I know deep down that none of this is my fault....and that I am very much sane. But the years of lying and gaslighting have taken their toll on me. I am still away from home in a foreign country, finishing my masters degree. I just need to talk to people that understand that I wasn't just "dating a jerk" to feel validated and sane.
All of my friends and family are loving and supportive (thank goodness) but no one really understands what I've been through. They get the impression that I dated a sketchy loser who eventually cheated and broke my heart. I mean, everyone has at least one bad ex that they call a socio/psychopath, right? Even my therapist doesn't seem to really "get it."
I moved to a new country (continent, actually) to be with him. In 3 years, he never met my family or my friends. (Except for one friend, who immediately and strongly disliked him. Naturally, I lost her.) I was isolated, living with him in a tiny apartment in a new country and culture and therefore completely emotionally dependent and swept up in his lies and manipulating.
He cheated multiple times, denying it with complete conviction even when the evidence was right there in front of us. It always happened that I "misread the situation/conversation....I had trust issues....I was crazy....how could I have so little faith in him and our relationship...." and ended with me begging him not to break up with me or stop talking to me because of my "lack of faith." Details of the stories that never added up....things he swore he told me but never did....sometimes telling me the complete opposite of what he'd said previously and told me I remembered wrong. Same with money. He owes me a lottt of money. He discarded me this summer for a new victim while I was home visiting my family, though he still denies everything and says he just needs time to "find himself and resolve his issues with depression and loneliness." and will come back to me when he's ready (These are things I struggle with (depression, etc) that appeal deeply to my empathy and fostered our initial "deep connection." He is trying to make sure he leaves the door open with me to be able to come back when he needs.)
Everything was always turned around on me. I know deep down that none of this is my fault....and that I am very much sane. But the years of lying and gaslighting have taken their toll on me. I am still away from home in a foreign country, finishing my masters degree. I just need to talk to people that understand that I wasn't just "dating a jerk" to feel validated and sane.
I know the difference between everyday bad actors and psychopaths. But that's because I lived with a psychopath for most of my life and suffered the consequences of it. I'm not sure those who have not had such an experience can truly understand how deranged these people really are.
And you're right, it does take a terrible toll on the victims of these people. I'll never have a normal life, I can see that now. And of course everyone blames it on me, that I failed somehow personally.
Just be thankful you're free of your tormenter, and be patient with yourself. It will take a long time to recover from your experience, but I think you'll make it. Hang on to "no contact", your life could depend on it. Certainly your peace of mind does.
In my opinion your frustrations are completely valid because indeed most people won't "get it" because they've either never experienced it or simply don't know how to console someone whose been abused in this way. Sometimes its just hard to convey the overall picture and how it makes you feel because its not as simple as a list of things this person has done, its the way they manipulate your world and others around them, and just to add to the complexity it might even feel like you're the only one that knows their true personality.
I hope you can take some comfort in knowing you're not the only victim of this, and although you feel like you needed this validation, you've done remarkably well to come this far given the people you confide in might not fully understand. Keep it up and stay strong!
Mine was a caring, loving husband until the police knocked on our hotel door and took him. And my accounts were wiped clean... Never ever cheated on me - the other psychopath, much less. Both obsessed with me. But in a way, they wanted to eat me alive.
Yes, it is borderline insanity to realize you had a relationship with a non-existent man, or a fiction.
I am sorry about your situation. You are right that very few people can actually understand what you went through. From the outside, you just went through the break of a relationship. People usually believe that relational problems are always a shared responsibility in the couple. Only those who are victims of these horrible monsters know what you are talking about. These monsters have no pity, feel no remorse, and have just one goal in mind, and it is all about themselves. Don't try to understand him and his outrageous behavior. Repeat yourself everyday that there is nothing you could have done for allowing him to be a better person. He is that way and will always be that way. Also, he did the deception, and this is why you did not realize earlier that you were indeed a victim of his deception. I have ok times, but the most of my hours are miserable. I hope I will be able to overcome the trauma soon.