Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Hi. I'm glad you are all here so that I found you. Hopefully this will provide some support that can help me get through this craziness.
So, I had a casual friend of 3 years whom I met in a support group. Last summer, she said she had 6 months to live and no family support or friends who could help...she was falling down stairs causing injuries and needed desperately to move. I had a house with room so I offered her my home and that I would go through her last days with her. 2 months later she had a story for why her disease progression was in remission and that it was because of the serene and safe environment my home provided her...she had a very extreme, severe abuse story which drew many people in to support her in various ways...and because I provided what she never had - a "home" - her body was no longer "attacking itself". Then I fell in love with her. The part that doesn't seem to fit with sociopathy here is that I pursued her. She actually was surprised that I did so. In her mind I was off limits because of the friendship she was respecting. And as time went on, we developed a very deep and fulfilling relationship...maybe this was only MY experience, but it's hard to discern where there may have been solely manipulation.
For 6 months things were great...but I started feeling smothered. I would run some errands and she would text that she missed me...and we were together 24/7. I also was tiring of the constant chaos in her life - but she always convinced me it was someone else's fault or some off-the-wall bizarre situation that would soon pass. She would say that things will settle down soon after this...then "this" would always turn into another "this".
In the 8th month, she convinced me that a violent gang had found her again (long story) and they would kill us because she had put one of their members in jail. I had lived in my home for 19 years, had 2 dogs, and now was faced with an awful decision - to have her leave, or to move and help her (and me) be safe. Ultimately, I re-homed my dogs (they are very large and renting was difficult). Then...
She BURNT MY HOUSE DOWN while we both were still in it - and told the investigators it had to be the gang's doing. Several weeks went by, the she was arrested. The detectives told me that she is very dangerous, to get a restraining order and stop all contact. They found all her stories were lies.
Then while she was awaiting grand jury, I looked through her phone and found that she was using and dealing drugs - many of which were medicare prescriptions. As I reached out to friends, one of them knew she was using heroin when I was sleeping (although this could be a lie too) and the friend thought I knew!
Researching through contacting family who was supposedly evil - I found that all her abuse claims were variations of other people's experiences, and stories from books she had read...WTF!?
I'm beyond feeling crazy. She is currently out of jail because grand jury was hung and we have to re-present to another jury and hope for an indictment and her to be arrested and back in jail again. Apparently ARSON is one of the most difficult to prosecute and the rarest to get a conviction.
I have the restraining order, but keep hearing things through the grapevine - even though I've asked people to not tell me anything about her - that she wanted to deliver a suicide note to me through a friend. This friend left a message from a number I didn't recognize and once again I was sucked in to the pain and grief of all I've found out in just the last few weeks.
HELP! It all is soooo much and tooooo much at times. How the hell is she like this? Why did so much of the relationship feel sooooo real? She doesn't seem to fit many of the traits I read about in regard to sociopaths, but yet some do....I'm confused. VERY confused.
So, I had a casual friend of 3 years whom I met in a support group. Last summer, she said she had 6 months to live and no family support or friends who could help...she was falling down stairs causing injuries and needed desperately to move. I had a house with room so I offered her my home and that I would go through her last days with her. 2 months later she had a story for why her disease progression was in remission and that it was because of the serene and safe environment my home provided her...she had a very extreme, severe abuse story which drew many people in to support her in various ways...and because I provided what she never had - a "home" - her body was no longer "attacking itself". Then I fell in love with her. The part that doesn't seem to fit with sociopathy here is that I pursued her. She actually was surprised that I did so. In her mind I was off limits because of the friendship she was respecting. And as time went on, we developed a very deep and fulfilling relationship...maybe this was only MY experience, but it's hard to discern where there may have been solely manipulation.
For 6 months things were great...but I started feeling smothered. I would run some errands and she would text that she missed me...and we were together 24/7. I also was tiring of the constant chaos in her life - but she always convinced me it was someone else's fault or some off-the-wall bizarre situation that would soon pass. She would say that things will settle down soon after this...then "this" would always turn into another "this".
In the 8th month, she convinced me that a violent gang had found her again (long story) and they would kill us because she had put one of their members in jail. I had lived in my home for 19 years, had 2 dogs, and now was faced with an awful decision - to have her leave, or to move and help her (and me) be safe. Ultimately, I re-homed my dogs (they are very large and renting was difficult). Then...
She BURNT MY HOUSE DOWN while we both were still in it - and told the investigators it had to be the gang's doing. Several weeks went by, the she was arrested. The detectives told me that she is very dangerous, to get a restraining order and stop all contact. They found all her stories were lies.
Then while she was awaiting grand jury, I looked through her phone and found that she was using and dealing drugs - many of which were medicare prescriptions. As I reached out to friends, one of them knew she was using heroin when I was sleeping (although this could be a lie too) and the friend thought I knew!
Researching through contacting family who was supposedly evil - I found that all her abuse claims were variations of other people's experiences, and stories from books she had read...WTF!?
I'm beyond feeling crazy. She is currently out of jail because grand jury was hung and we have to re-present to another jury and hope for an indictment and her to be arrested and back in jail again. Apparently ARSON is one of the most difficult to prosecute and the rarest to get a conviction.
I have the restraining order, but keep hearing things through the grapevine - even though I've asked people to not tell me anything about her - that she wanted to deliver a suicide note to me through a friend. This friend left a message from a number I didn't recognize and once again I was sucked in to the pain and grief of all I've found out in just the last few weeks.
HELP! It all is soooo much and tooooo much at times. How the hell is she like this? Why did so much of the relationship feel sooooo real? She doesn't seem to fit many of the traits I read about in regard to sociopaths, but yet some do....I'm confused. VERY confused.
Judging from what you wrote the woman you felt in love with seems to fit the profile a psychopath: she is obviously capable of telling the most outrageous lies, creating a false persona, is reckless, never accepts responsibility for what she does, leads an erratic life (which you described as "chaos"), and manipulates people. Notice also that she portrayed herself as the victim, and that she deftly exploited your compassionate side, both of which are typical traits of psychopaths (this is how and I suppose many others in this forum fell prey to a psychopath). If this woman is indeed a psychopath, she created a false persona for you to fall in love with her for the sole purpose of using you. If that's the case, everything about your romance was most likely based on a lie.
I honestly think there isn't a one size fits all with these wackjobs, many could have several disorders or mental illnesses all in one. My ex is nuts but not in that way your ex is, I think you should relocate asap, get therapy and seek protection until she is brought to justice.
All the points you both made are very true. In the 3 years I knew her before we started dating, she had already been LIVING with this false persona - apparently she has been like this since early childhood. So when our group of friends and family all met over the time I've known her, EVERYONE was duped - except for her twin sister and my mom (mother's intuition right on again!)
Found out also, that she is a felon for perjury and taking donations from a community that believed yet another lie of hers...SHE FAKED CANCER... to the point she had her two teenage sons believing she was dying. Another long and crazy story of her life. Finding all this out after the arrest has completely put me and all those we know in shock. I (and they) feel so stupid for not seeing through her - but she was so thorough in her lies that they were nearly bulletproof. Sometimes things wouldn't sound quite right and I would question, but she always had a reason to avoid when she couldn't come up with an answer.
So, it feels like she didn't so much target me personally, but carries out her life in this fashion. Yes, she may have targeted me as someone who had the resources to help her, but I'm not so sure it was a romantic target. That seems to just be happenstance, and I was just another casualty who happened to cross her path. I was going through a divorce (married 18 yrs) and was vulnerable. I needed a friend and jumped into a relationship way too quickly...my guard was down. And now I lost so many things I loved, cared about, and worked hard for...all to the lies of a sociopath.
I guess it is somewhat irrelevant whether I was targeted or not. The ultimate outcomes are the same. No other definition fits her any better than sociopath. And regardless, she is dangerous to be around. I believe she is mentally ill also and may not be the one-size-fits-all type of sociopath. So, I will keep the restraining order in place and continue working with the detectives and D.A. to have her locked up!
And it seems strange, but I do not believe she wanted to kill me in the fire. It feels more like she wanted to erase my history and to be the person I would NEED to get through it, along with isolating me further by moving us farther away from my familiar existence. She seemed to almost take on my identity and shift it into a twisted version of her own. She even started looking like me. We wear the same size clothes and eventually she was dressing like me and putting all of our wardrobe in the same drawers/closet. She got her hair cut identical to mine. I never thought I could get sucked in to such an unhealthy relationship, but it happened so smoothly, like the old "frog in a kettle" fable.
that it's like...
SINGLE WHITE FEMALE (a new definition of "identify theft")
FIGHT CLUB (mental illness)
A BEAUTIFUL MIND (she is highly intelligent, has many skills and is very creative and resourceful), and FATAL ATTRACTION (no limits to her actions to succeed in keeping me in her clutch)
ALL BLENDED INTO ONE!!!!
I had to laugh at that one. Sometimes life feels so crazy that there isn't much left to do but laugh!
What's funny and ironic is that when I have shared this story with others, I wonder "do they think I AM the one who is lying! ..the REAL sociopath"?
You will definitely need a lot of support to heal from this nightmare. And keep yourself safe from her. I don't know if she has a violent history but if you think she might be violent, get a gun. What a horrible nightmare. I feel so sorry for you. *hugs*
I have read extensively about psychopaths as I have been romantically involved with 2. In the aftermath of my first one, in 2000, there was not yet alot of literature out there about psychopathy, and I turned to true crime stories for information. Ann Rule, in particular, is interested in the psychopathic mind as she once was friends with Ted Bundy. A fascination with fire is often (but not always), a trait of a psychopath, and arson is frequently a feature of their criminality (in the case of the ones who commit crimes). Fire, and its rampant destructivness, is an expression of their rage. This, along with your ex girlfriend's other criminal and conscienceless acts, says to me she is very dangerous.
I agree with your assessment that she didn't mean to kill you, but wanted to obliterate any part of your life that had not included her, and wanted to increase her predominance in your life. I don't think you can assign any love motives to her as she is not capable. But you became very important to her. Have no doubt that she would have wanted to destroy you, eventually, because she could never be you which was what she really wanted. She would have come to despise you for your goodness which she can never possess. Already, she was subsuming you, taking on your appearance, and I am sure other qualities. The second psychopath in my life did this to me, too, assigning me all his own evil qualities and behavior, in his smear-campaigning--which he did throughout our relationship, and after--and assigning himself my good character, reversing our roles in his stories. The first psychopath in my life also did this, but in a far more subtle and less vicious and aggressive way. All psychoapths do this to their victims. They steal their identities, and when they realize they cannot truly be that person, they destroy him/her in jealousy and rage. For a most hideous and graphic image of this, think of Buffalo Bill in "silence of the Lambs."
I am so sorry this happened to you. I wish you many blessings of healing. Among them, I hope she is brought to justice. I wish you peace and I am sending hugs.
kris... that was very helpful to read your articulation and knowledge about this...I've never been with a sociopath, although I think my dad probably is (I've had no contact with him for over 20 yrs). Your comments on 'love motive' make a lot of sense. My brain still can't believe/accept that there was none, but your perspective really helps me to see it from a new perspective and it matches my story so perfectly with how you describe her intentions and behaviors.
and wow, I think you are so right on about Buffalo Bill now that I've thought about it...symbolic for exactly what she was doing...crazy!
and the 'smear campaign' I hadn't thought of, but we had a mutual friend (the one who "knew" about the heroin use) who later told me that my ex would talk all kinds of negative stuff about me - and I had absolutely NO idea. She also 'split' friendships around us, telling one person the other was not safe to be around and vice versa. None of this came together until after she was arrested and we all started talking and comparing notes.
Is there some reading material, websites, etc that anybody would recommend to help me study this more??? It helps me to research and understand people so that I don't get stuck in the emotional trauma - it gives me a more balanced way to look at the overall picture and put the 'personal' nature of it (grief/pain/tears) into perspective and to move forward.
https://www.psychopathfree.com/
I think this one is the next best:
https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/07/29/a-painful-incredulity-psychopathy-and-cognitive-dissonance/
But there are many other excellent ones. A google search will bring them up.
They make up insane stories which are true of themselves. My ex told everyone I am a drug addict. I take one Lunesta and a half mg. of klonopin for sleep due to an acquired breathing disorder that makes natural sleep impossible. I have no drugs in my system during waking hours ever. He smokes pot almost everyday and is an alcoholic. He made the distinction that my "drugs" are chemically produced. They are so insignificant as to not count in the realm of psychotropic drug-taking. I have dated several therapists who laughed at his assertion . He, on the other hand, is rarely not under the infulence while awake. Thus, he painted me as himself.
Hw told everyone I am a whore and Internet predator. I am a spiritual seeker and writer who had been celibate 10 years when I met him. Before that, I had been married and faithful for 30 years. I lived in a strict spiritual community for 15 years. He is an Internet catfish and extreme porn addict and pervert who had juggled at least a dozen women for the past 8 years, lying to them all, and having sex with many of them sinultaneously. He continued this, cheating on me daily for 3 years. Again, he painted me as himself.
He abused me financially, leeching off me for a year when he lived with me, paying for nothing and causing me to go into debt. When i lived with him, I worked thousands of hours, restoring his old house for free, and lost money from my job because I refused paid hours to work on his house. He still has my famiy heirlooms which he knows I expected to get back. He later told me he told his duaghter I gave him the antique furniture.. He told everyone I financially abused him. He never gave me anything.
He beat me half to death. He told the court I put the massive purple bruises on myself throwing myself against walls. He told them I am mentally ill. First of all, not possible. He swung oak chairs down on my body from a standing position as I lay on the floor. As the investigator in the prosecutor's office in my city said, "No way those bruises were self-inflicted." And if it had happened on his watch, the psycho would be sitting in state prison. It happened in his redneck rural county. Secondly, I have no mental illnesses. I am on disability for auto-immune disorders. He got a year diversion program because the court half-believed his lies. He tells everyone I am the psychopath and I abused him.
The damage they do is unspeakable.
You lost even more. You lost your house and all your belongings. I am so sorry.
We will get out lives back though--and our right to our sanity and our truth.
Hugs.
I don't really have anything that cheers me up. I talk to friends on the phone or try to stay busy on my house projects, but it doesn't really make me cheerful. Just keeps me from obsessing as much.
First of all (((HUGS))). And I am so sorry this happened to you, too.
Yes, it does help to tell the stories. Besides writing here, I am writing a book. I am re-reading all the old e-mails as I do so. Typically, I write for 3 weeks, and take 4 weeks off. During the wirting, 2 things happen: I am brought to my knees, hearing his writing voice speaking in my heart: There was a ton of love-bombing. I sob until i can't breathe as I read and select portions and write my story. Inevitably, within a day or 2 of reading the e-mails and reliving the past, I come upon information in the e-mails which I know to be lies, in retropsect, and/or information in the attached photos which revealsl trickery and duper;s delight, plotting, and back-stabbing. My sadness turns to rage (sadness unactivated becomes depression), and I write with vigor and comprehension of what I didn't understand at the time. I gather the threads together into a comprehensive story which includes the parts I didn't understand when I was living it. Experience becomes insight. Each time, I go through this process, I come out stronger. The strength lasts longer. The next low is not as low as the previous one. And gradually, I am bringing into awareness all of that darkness. In the end, I will have nothing left to fear or grieve.
I know because I have been through this process before. I wrote my way out of hell after a 30-year marriage to a psychopath. It took 3 years. At the end of that time, I had no more heartache or pain about him or the lost years. It was all in a place of peace. I had no remaining questions. I understood and accepted everything.
You can only do this kind of thing at your own pace. Or it may not be for you at all. You don't have to write or tell your stories or read other people's stories. It works for some of us. You will find what works for you.
Things I do to feel better as I walk this path: Walk, take photos, do yoga, take hot baths. Massage myself with oils, go out with friends occasionally, read, watch episodes of "48 Hours" on my laptop, interact on Facebook, interact with people on this forum, keep a journal on here, write down my dreams and interpret them, dance in my living room, attend my writer's group. These things are "self-care" and they are different for everyone. They are whatever you are able to do that makes you feel good and nurtures your soul.
Yogi, It is nice to meet another "whore" on here. Lol. Maybe it has something to do with the yoga. What garbage minds they are.
Truly, I am sorry for your whole situation, and I send you all good wishes for your healing and peace. Hugs.
We are going back to Grand Jury to answer the questions they had at the original presentation. The Detective and DA think we will get an indictment on Arson 1 and get her in jail at least until a trial. It is soooooo frustrating that all the evidence is "circumstantial", but it is what it is. Since her arrest, I found out that the daughter she told me she had as a result of incest (her father raping her), doesn't exist - never happened. The medical urgency which induced me to offer her a home, wasn't real. She has since tried to point the finger at me for the fire-setting...but all accusations have been countered with evidence. The detectives and the DA know she is full of shit. She has a felony for PERJURY which is not a common charge. I just can't wait until this nightmare is over.
Yesterday, I found out my house of 19 years which she burnt down, was completely leveled and they are building apartments there...so many memories, so much loss. But lessons learned can be harsh. Here's to moving forward. I will do whatever it takes to bring her to justice. And if it doesn't work out, I will have to move on...but I will never trust anyone again at face value...that will take healing and time.