I know how you feel. I can only say that because I have been into the same as you. I have had the same thoughts because og out of job, no real Place to live and feeling lost. All I know is that there will be very dark days and some that is a little less dark. Then maybe even some days when a little light is shining,
By Reading on this fora I have noticed that People who have felt totally lost, had recovered. I hang on to that.

I am glad you are writing this , because it shows that you want to live, but cant seee i way out. It will not be that dark all the time.

Wish we could have spent this day together and brighten up the day.

Lots of hugs from Norway

im like you i truly understand how you feel ive been with my partner for 10 years and at times i feel so suicidal its my first time to think thoughts. and hes been gone 3 months. I try to be strong but when the darkness comes in and im alone in my room, my heart breaks, only because i think how wonderful he treated me like a princesses then i think to myself did he My suicidal thoughts are more based on fear, Fear that i will never trust anyone again, Fear im going to lose my house, Fear of people wanting their money which i didn't know about. Fear where am i going to go. and then comes loneliness, hurt and anger, and i think my mind and heart cant cope. and then last is hope and strength, Another tomorrow, if i start making goals and positive small steps and train my mind, to believe that anything is possible no matter how bad he lied and treated me, then i will get up and change me working from the inside out. and then one day if he should ever appear i will punch him in the mouth no matter where i am and say Thank you for giving me the best thing and that's my life back, now i need to focus on me and forget how much he hurt me, he doesn't care and why should i if you have time read my post and then you will understand. why i also felt so suicidal. do not feel old and ugly ive been to those thoughts. live for you i also have my good and bad days but the hurt and bad days is when im all alone, and no one to speak to. believe in yourself anything is possible. ill be thinking of you hosana