Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I came here from the Co-D board.
Im struggling with my current Husband.
We met while ceroc dancing, he was sitting alone and he looked sad so I went over and asked him to dance. We spent a fun evening together, I wasn't too sure about him to be honest as he kept asking to kiss me which I felt was really inappropriate….but I felt a connection. He went home without getting my number which I thought was strange after he had pursued me all evening.
Two weeks later he was at the dancing again. ( I missed a week) and came straight up to me and gave me a ticket for a BBQ dance the next week. He told me he had been to every dance for the last 2 weeks trying to see me. ( oh how I was flattered!!!) so we danced the night away. He was attentive , very charming and flattering. We arranged a date for the next night. He was very insistent. He called me when I got home and we chatted for a while.
The first date baffled me a little, he wanted me to go to him ( not something I usually do…) but as we lived in different towns I agreed. He took me to see his work and then out to dinner. I was blown away by his attentiveness and how much we had in common! He didn't really ask me too much about myself, if anything so I found myself doing much of the talking.
So this whirlwind continued for a full ten days, day and night full on, very emotional and extremely intimate.
Then he went away to Spain for a week and I didn't hear from him at all.
I was devastated.
When he came back he again called me over to his place and it went on from there. I was so relieved he had called me, that the last ten days hadn't been a dream….I would have done anything!!!
So then he took me, my children and his son on a holiday to centreparcs. It was an amazing week. He told me that by the end of that week I would be in love with him ( this is 3 weeks since we met!!!)
I think you get the gist of how this is going - I was well and truly swept off my feet and relocated to live with him, he gave my eldest daughter a job too. I moved 30 miles away from all my family. He promised me my dream of opening an art gallery and we looked at property.
He didn't want me to work or continue my education ( i had done 2 out of 3 years of a degree) and proposed shortly after. I was well and truly a kept women. He sold my car one day while I was out….then the alarm bells rang!
So in reality - here I am 2 years later…he wasn't quite what he seemed for sure. He didn't not have the available funds to open an art gallery at all. He had been married three times before and cheated on them all. He often did hugely inappropriate things while we were out, he once asked a bar maid what sex toys she liked, in front of me and my daughter….he often goes up to women and flatters them, telling me he wanted to make her feel good about herself. He comments on other womens clothes and handbags. He even picked up someones crying child in a pub garden.
He baffles me….
and then theres the finances to which I have no access. He gives me an allowance which I have to spend on food. My role here is to have sex with him whenever he wants, cook and clean and be available whenever he wants to socialise. He has no friends and is self-employed. I work for him too. I have to look pretty every day.
The sex is ok, sometimes it feels very disconnected to me. He can act very inappropriately in this area too. A couple of times we have been intimate and making love he has just jumped off me in the middle of things. Just upped and left to go take a shower or do something he had forgotten to do. It hurts and I feel discarded, so disrespectful. He can be very cold or totally all over me. He never remembers to ask about my day or about anything I have going on in my life. He seems to be in his own bubble.
So here I am!
I have spent 2 years wrestling with how I feel about all this. I came to the initial conclusion that It is up to me to make a life for myself within this framework. I feel a bit trapped.
My self-esteem is at an all time low. I am suffering from depression but feeling better than I did. My anxiety and PTSD is off the scale. All these things keep me here.
So I am working on me and my issues which brought me here. I am living off him and saving what I can I am determined to create a future for myself with choices.
On the whole we get on very well, if I comply. Life is ok.
but here I am, trying to make sense of it all! Im losing sight of how things are and how they should be.
Im struggling with my current Husband.
We met while ceroc dancing, he was sitting alone and he looked sad so I went over and asked him to dance. We spent a fun evening together, I wasn't too sure about him to be honest as he kept asking to kiss me which I felt was really inappropriate….but I felt a connection. He went home without getting my number which I thought was strange after he had pursued me all evening.
Two weeks later he was at the dancing again. ( I missed a week) and came straight up to me and gave me a ticket for a BBQ dance the next week. He told me he had been to every dance for the last 2 weeks trying to see me. ( oh how I was flattered!!!) so we danced the night away. He was attentive , very charming and flattering. We arranged a date for the next night. He was very insistent. He called me when I got home and we chatted for a while.
The first date baffled me a little, he wanted me to go to him ( not something I usually do…) but as we lived in different towns I agreed. He took me to see his work and then out to dinner. I was blown away by his attentiveness and how much we had in common! He didn't really ask me too much about myself, if anything so I found myself doing much of the talking.
So this whirlwind continued for a full ten days, day and night full on, very emotional and extremely intimate.
Then he went away to Spain for a week and I didn't hear from him at all.
I was devastated.
When he came back he again called me over to his place and it went on from there. I was so relieved he had called me, that the last ten days hadn't been a dream….I would have done anything!!!
So then he took me, my children and his son on a holiday to centreparcs. It was an amazing week. He told me that by the end of that week I would be in love with him ( this is 3 weeks since we met!!!)
I think you get the gist of how this is going - I was well and truly swept off my feet and relocated to live with him, he gave my eldest daughter a job too. I moved 30 miles away from all my family. He promised me my dream of opening an art gallery and we looked at property.
He didn't want me to work or continue my education ( i had done 2 out of 3 years of a degree) and proposed shortly after. I was well and truly a kept women. He sold my car one day while I was out….then the alarm bells rang!
So in reality - here I am 2 years later…he wasn't quite what he seemed for sure. He didn't not have the available funds to open an art gallery at all. He had been married three times before and cheated on them all. He often did hugely inappropriate things while we were out, he once asked a bar maid what sex toys she liked, in front of me and my daughter….he often goes up to women and flatters them, telling me he wanted to make her feel good about herself. He comments on other womens clothes and handbags. He even picked up someones crying child in a pub garden.
He baffles me….
and then theres the finances to which I have no access. He gives me an allowance which I have to spend on food. My role here is to have sex with him whenever he wants, cook and clean and be available whenever he wants to socialise. He has no friends and is self-employed. I work for him too. I have to look pretty every day.
The sex is ok, sometimes it feels very disconnected to me. He can act very inappropriately in this area too. A couple of times we have been intimate and making love he has just jumped off me in the middle of things. Just upped and left to go take a shower or do something he had forgotten to do. It hurts and I feel discarded, so disrespectful. He can be very cold or totally all over me. He never remembers to ask about my day or about anything I have going on in my life. He seems to be in his own bubble.
So here I am!
I have spent 2 years wrestling with how I feel about all this. I came to the initial conclusion that It is up to me to make a life for myself within this framework. I feel a bit trapped.
My self-esteem is at an all time low. I am suffering from depression but feeling better than I did. My anxiety and PTSD is off the scale. All these things keep me here.
So I am working on me and my issues which brought me here. I am living off him and saving what I can I am determined to create a future for myself with choices.
On the whole we get on very well, if I comply. Life is ok.
but here I am, trying to make sense of it all! Im losing sight of how things are and how they should be.
At the top of the group page, you can look at the Psychopathy Checklist, if you haven't already. You grade each category with a 0 (if it doesn't apply), 1 (if it somewhat applies), or 2 (if it happens often). A total score about 30 indicates that someone is a psychopath.
sunnyjax, The way he treats you is so inhumane. Sometimes when you are trapped in something, it is hard to see hoe really awful it is. It's really awful. I am glad you are reaching out and thinking about how to free yourself of this man.
I am currently dealing with depression. No surprise really eh. But as the meds are helping I am feeling stronger and more assertive.
Im hoping I will create a life for myself and have the independant means and self esteem to leave.
He wont change i know.
as for the sex thing. Its confusing as he seems like hes enjoying it but it doesnt feel real. Oh I dont know.
I dont know how I got here and why I accepted this.
You got there one step at a time, and you will get out the same way. .
I think a lot of the practise was by himself - lol!
He has a strong charisma, he has a presence, if you know what I mean!
No, his lesbian thing had nothing to do with him learning anything about a real woman, which as you know, he did not. It had to do with bloating his perverted fantasy that women are all nymphomaniacs who, given the opportunity, would do nothing but wallow around, engaging in sex with each other. Leave the men out of the fantasy because the women are the real perverts (in his perverted mind). He wants to live in a world where this is true, and in his sick mind, he does.
A normal, healthy woman capable of love does not represent one grain of sand on his beach covered in writhing semi-human sex objects. His mind is a cesspool.
When we met at dancing he would often push me towards other men to dance with, it was humiliating. He likes me to wear low cut tops and high heels. He likes to think all men want me ( which Im pretty sure they don't!!!) He seems insatiable with sex, and he takes ages to get to the happy ending, when we first started getting intimate he used to tell me he didn't expect or need to come every time but it was all about my pleasure ( not so in reality!) He also bathed me. Which may seem nice but it was a bit odd, like he didn't know where I had been!!! Made me feel dirty. He said it was a good way to get to know someones body. I felt like I was being inspected to see if I was clean!
He has been a cruel and cold lover on occasion and this shocks me.
In fact it was during the early few months of our relationship that he was called into the police station and had been accused of touching a 7 year old girl when he was 19 ( which was 40 years ago) She accused him of having been her babysitter and of making her touch him while he put his fingers inside her. They didn't press charges but it made me wonder. His behaviour is often so inappropriate that it makes me wonder if she was right that it was him. but he denies it.
I was asking him the other day if we could get a dog ( I have just had my 16 year old Labrador put to sleep ) and he said that I would be getting up in the morning to see to the dog instead of looking after his needs.
I am not sure what would happen if I began to assert myself more, or if I started laying down some rules.
If I do this he goes all childlike and pathetic, little boy lost…or he goes to rage., and cold shoulder.
His physique and body language are often quite toddler like, which for a big butch guy seems odd.
I would be very concerned that he is guilty of the crime of which he was accused. Especially as it parallels his behavior with you. On that one, I relate referring back to my P ex-husband.
I urge not to assert yourself more. It will only endanger you. You cannot fix this so there is no point in trying to. Stick to your plan to make your escape. Tell him nothing. Act as if everything is fine. Be careful and be secretive.
Thanks Kris, Im glad you can relate to my experiences but not happy you had to go through them too! Its so ODD isn't it?!
Also the other things which I can't get a handle on is that he is so full on all over me most of the time, then theres the coldness as soon as he goes into his office. Its like he's a different person, he becomes robotic and distant. I used to think it was a 'man thing' but it feels like he is so detached. He is very syrupy in his endearments to me …then…blank stares at me.
we work in our own home together.
The other part of this is that if I go out, or he does, he just never contacts me, sometimes he doesn't even say he is going out, he just goes. No goodbye, see you later etc. So when we were dating I would leave his bed in the morning and hear NOTHING all day. It never occurs to him to get in touch. It just feels ODD again. No text, no call, nothing. Its like, 'out of sight, out of mind'. Hmmm. I don't understand that mentality at all!
anyway, here I am.
When he gives me money I try and save some every time.
x
I can't recall the details because it was 25 years ago, but I remember the emotional experience. We were in some kind of crisis, and he was not working--we were just dealing with this overwhelming thing day in and day out--24/7. I think he was self-employed at this time--landscaping. The crisis was so intense, it took both of us making phone calls, brain-storming, holding on to each other. It was an extremely bonding experience, and he became an embedded part of my psyche, waking and sleeping. We reached a point where it was somewhat under control after about a week. That morning, I woke up and he was gone. GONE. No note, no anything. I did not even know if he had any work to go to at that particular time. It was just stunning to me that his presence was simply gone as if he had evaporated into the atmosphere.
Late that afternoon, he called and I said, "J...wtf?"
He was clueless what I meant. I tried to explain how it felt to me, and he didn't get it at all. They can simply close a door and walk into another room, and you don't exist in there. Compartmentalization. They are fragmented, rather than being integrated or having integrity. Their hearts and minds are filled with separate boxes.
Whats with that?!
I am definitely out of sight, out of mind….I have said this to him and he says he has hyper-focus on the job in hand and hasn't the concentration to think of saying goodbye or even checking in. He can only think of one thing at a time. and it isn't usually me, unless his hyper focus is on me of course.
but of course he expects my focus to be on him at all times.!
I used to tell him I loved him in the early days of the love-bombing…then he asked me to stop saying it.
He tells me all the time, and I mean all the time, well when we are in bed anyway. The rest of the time you probably wouldn't know he was my Husband. He called me 'my love' also, very impersonal, or sweetheart.
Its a bit sickly and my children go YUK!