Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Hi everyone! I'm a survivor that's still trying to "survive" the aftermath of standing up to a N/S.
My psychology professor told me I needed to put as much distance between me and my ex as possible because based on what I had written in an essay (and told him after class one day) - he believed my ex is "evil" and "dangerous". I really think that professor possibly saved my life.
Luckily the state I lived in didn't have strict moving laws in regards to custody so now I have 1,000 miles of geography separating us. :-)
After speaking with my professor(s), I dove right in to reading up on ASPD/NPD and abuse. That's when the questions and confusion that had plagued me for years finally started making sense!
Now I'm in court every few months battling for mine and our children's freedom. My 15-year old was the one to first come to me when she was only 9 and say, "Mom, I think you should divorce dad. He doesn't treat you very nice."
I actually did follow through with that divorce but then I remarried my N/S ex again 2 years later because back then, I didn't understand N/C or what a sociopath even was. NO CONTACT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!
Marriage #2 only lasted a year. He promised all sorts of changes but the very next day (literally) after our wedding, he was right back to the angry "boy" I already knew. I made sure to file divorce papers on our 1-year anniversary this time so I could actually celebrate that particular holiday by remembering our divorce and not our marriage.
My N/S ex's disguise is "Father of the Year". I always jokingly referred to our kids as his "trophy kids" but my instincts were actually telling me something. I also used to say that if my ex had a superpower, it was the ability to make people feel sorry for him. The rest of my story with him is pretty much what everyone else has gone through: constant lying; crazy-making; death threats; adultery; excessive unemployment; walking on eggshells...
We're heading back to court in 2-months over frivolous contempt charges (claims that I withheld visitation with our 15-year old, who refuses to go with him). He was found guilty of emotional maltreatment of our oldest daughter but it doesn't mean anything to the courts so I don't have much faith in our justice system... but hearing a few of your success stories has helped a little. I don't know much about the judge we'll be going in front of but I hope he's a reasonable man. Considering he deals with the drug court, I'm assuming (or hoping) he has lots of experience seeing through con-artists.
I'm also trying to help my sister see her own 16-year relationship with a N/S - who walked out on her a year ago to go back to an old high school girlfriend. She's still in the denial phase and continues to be his occasional booty call so it's frustrating for me, as someone who's in recovery. I don't talk with her much these days because of it. :-( So now I'm in a new town, away from family and my support circle is virtually non-existent.
Thanks!
My psychology professor told me I needed to put as much distance between me and my ex as possible because based on what I had written in an essay (and told him after class one day) - he believed my ex is "evil" and "dangerous". I really think that professor possibly saved my life.
Luckily the state I lived in didn't have strict moving laws in regards to custody so now I have 1,000 miles of geography separating us. :-)
After speaking with my professor(s), I dove right in to reading up on ASPD/NPD and abuse. That's when the questions and confusion that had plagued me for years finally started making sense!
Now I'm in court every few months battling for mine and our children's freedom. My 15-year old was the one to first come to me when she was only 9 and say, "Mom, I think you should divorce dad. He doesn't treat you very nice."
I actually did follow through with that divorce but then I remarried my N/S ex again 2 years later because back then, I didn't understand N/C or what a sociopath even was. NO CONTACT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!
Marriage #2 only lasted a year. He promised all sorts of changes but the very next day (literally) after our wedding, he was right back to the angry "boy" I already knew. I made sure to file divorce papers on our 1-year anniversary this time so I could actually celebrate that particular holiday by remembering our divorce and not our marriage.
My N/S ex's disguise is "Father of the Year". I always jokingly referred to our kids as his "trophy kids" but my instincts were actually telling me something. I also used to say that if my ex had a superpower, it was the ability to make people feel sorry for him. The rest of my story with him is pretty much what everyone else has gone through: constant lying; crazy-making; death threats; adultery; excessive unemployment; walking on eggshells...
We're heading back to court in 2-months over frivolous contempt charges (claims that I withheld visitation with our 15-year old, who refuses to go with him). He was found guilty of emotional maltreatment of our oldest daughter but it doesn't mean anything to the courts so I don't have much faith in our justice system... but hearing a few of your success stories has helped a little. I don't know much about the judge we'll be going in front of but I hope he's a reasonable man. Considering he deals with the drug court, I'm assuming (or hoping) he has lots of experience seeing through con-artists.
I'm also trying to help my sister see her own 16-year relationship with a N/S - who walked out on her a year ago to go back to an old high school girlfriend. She's still in the denial phase and continues to be his occasional booty call so it's frustrating for me, as someone who's in recovery. I don't talk with her much these days because of it. :-( So now I'm in a new town, away from family and my support circle is virtually non-existent.
Thanks!
startingover,
Thank God you were never married. I feel your pain, I am about to go to court for my son and he's trying to get joint custody of our 2 1/2 year old son . He left the state 9 months ago (to get a job, and help with his PTSD, to be a better man for his family) meanwhile he was leading a double life and had no intentions of returning. Im so scared the judge is going to grant him custody and let him take him out of state for visitation. I live in California and supposedly when the children turn 4/5 they can do that. I just want him out of our lives he doesnt care about my son he's just trying to spite me. I would forgo child support ( he doesnt pay now) to have full physical and sole custody. I hope your S doesnt take you to court either. Godspeed
Anyway, I can relate to a lot of you've said. I just wanted to say hi and welcome, you look like you're cruising in the right direction.
Startingover, I just left a response on your post about children and HIM.
Forwhatreason, play the role of the friendly parent. If he can't take your son out of state for the next 2 years, that gives you 2 years to get a better game plan in place or for your ex to disappear (which they tend to do with no contact). In court, DO NOT talk about his double-life or any other women he's dating. Focus solely on your concern for your son's safety due to his young age and your ex's PTSD. Just make sure he has an actual diagnosis of it or else he'll claim you're trying to defame his character. Stay calm during proceedings. Keep your own personal life squeaky clean... maybe even leave CA and move to a state that's more "mother friendly". I've heard horrific tales of CA's family courts. If he's not a resident of CA and no custody orders are in place yet, he can't stop you from leaving. RUN GIRL, RUN!
Chris, I didn't quite understand what you were saying about your 2nd son? Is he your stepson or adopted son? But thanks for the warm welcome!
Friendcc - welcome. Your ex sounds like he may well be an S/P - though I am no expert! But his cutting you off from family and convincing you that you sre crazy are very typical. His inability to have a genuine relationship with his daughter also suggests a lack of emotional feeling that S/Ps have. Violence is by no means a given - my ex started to become violent just before I left but in perhaps the majority of stories I've heard they haven't. Manipulation, love-bombing, confusion, lying & gaining sympathy is more their style. Keep safe, it's onwards and upwards!
Beth
Bethsays ^^^^ good post!!!