Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Hi All,
I was reading this board becuase my own counsellor told me she thought my ex husband has a personality disorder. The more I read- the more I think she's right. I did not associate him with psychopathy because of the superficial charm bit. He does not have very many friends but as I think about it he is readily accepted by the public for a good man. So here goes. There are so many stories so if you wanted to ask me if there was an example of something- Don't hesitate. We were married for 6 years and have been divorced for 5. We have 3 children He is still trying to make my life hell now.
I believe he lovebombed me in the beginning. I got pregnant (he told me he was infertile) so we got married. After the baby was born I went to work and he "studied" (sat on the computer playing solitaire- never finished a thing) Fast forward to baby number 2 (almost 2 years later) and I force him out to work. Baby number 3 was born within 3.5 years of the first. He was conceived due to a drunken night- hubby was NOT drinking but he had decided he wanted me to be pregnant and deliberately did not use a condom.
Baby number two had a severe illness. I had to give up work. I spent my time looking after all of these small children and it was extremely stressful. My ex- His life barely changed. He still went to the gym and did everything that he wanted to do while I struggled. He was also abusive.
My ex also lost his license and it did not even affect him. He just expected me to drive him around everywhere. He was abusive but mostly extremely controlling. My friends later told me that he gave off this vibe that they were not welcome and most of them stopped seeing me because of it. Other people he would find some reason they wee a bad influence and stop me seeing them. eg. Someone drank (weekends) and they would influence me to be an alcoholic. He had an affair while my daughter was going through a really bad patch. He blamed me. I didn't find out about it until 18 months later when the woman decided to ring me about it. In the months before that he was accusing me of having an affair, would time outings and accuse me if I were home later than expected. There is so much more I could write...
After we split up- he told everyone that we split I up because I was addicted to the internet and he was committed to getting back together all the while seeing another woman. He badmouthed me to everyone we knew. Eventually he moved to another part of town because *I* had bad mouthed HIM to everyone (WTF). He got into trouble with the law. He bashed a guy and bragged about it. Told me how good it felt. He ended up losing his job over it though.
I know that his new relationship is full of lies. She thinks I am crazy. She does not know the real reasons we broke up. Behind HER back, he tells me that SHE is crazy and he wants a divorce. He tells me how controlling SHE is. (It is totally weird- My relationship would have to be completely over before I ever told my ex)
But here is the thing... He has gaslighted- He has had trouble with child protection and for good reason but he keeps convincing people that he is fine and I am crazy. My confidence in my parenting has gone to zero because of his constant undermining of my parenting skills. He tells the children random crap about me that shows me in a negative light. It has taken me a LONG time to realise I am actually a good parent and he has been projecting his own issues onto me.
Projecting has been a long time thing. When he cheated, he started calling me a slut. When he got in trouble with CPS he started calling ME a child abuser. He made me think I was crazy. He has broken the law and thinks that *I* am the criminal (WTF??) The single BEST way for me to work out what he is up to now is to see what he accuses me of!!!
He is going back and re-writing history. There were times when the cops had to be called- he just flat out said that it never happened. He bashed our daughter who ended up with a concussion. He now said it was a smack and she had a virus. He either reverses our roles in the situation or just forgets about it- Makes me think I am crazy. He calls me crazy quite a lot and I had started to believe it.
He is focused on extremely small details of the past. For example. I had a "safety box" for my children- I was scared of my ex and had this box that the children were told to use if their Dad came to the door. It had a couple of storybook cd's, some pacifiers, some lollies and a phone to call their grandmother if they needed it. He keeps bringing up this box (which was NEVER used and only there for about 3 days btw) as the reason why his kids are scared of him. it's ALL my fault. He will not take responsibility for the kids seeing their sibling thrown at a wall and kicked when she was on the floor- seeing a step sibling get strangled multiple times- verbal abuse- erratic driving, swearing at them, telling them he was never going to see them again and dumping them at home with no-one there. He thinks their attitude toward him is a product of my doing. He wants me to admit it. While the safety box may not have been the best decision I think the shock of seeing your sister getting bashed and then vomiting all over the place at the same age is going to impact more on you. ( See- all of this gaslighting has made me a person who needs to prove everything and back up every story with evidence)
The blame game happens with everything. A YEAR after we separated he had a car accident. he wasn't insured. He blamed me cos I was the one whole cancelled the insurance... errm yes- but who did you think was paying for it all this time?? Yep still my fault.
He stole $30 000 off me- also somehow- he reckons he earned that and it was his- he never stole it. Justification for everything. He also recently wrote in an email- Have I not tried to be friends in the last six months?" I actually said no- unless you calling someone a piece of shit and f*ed in the head friendly. He also recently said that I had lied in the divorce proceedings and there was no domestic abuse. I asked why did it matter? He actually said maybe the judge wouldn't have granted it- like WTF_ He had already gotten another woman pregnant. I could've said that we were divorcing because I had met a vampire and we had a unicorn in the backyard and the divorce would still have been granted (lol I might have been committed tho!)
He blames me not only for the relationship breakdown but for the situation that he is in. (His relationship is not good with his wife, they are on the poverty line with 7 children between them) We have nearly been divorced longer than we were together!!
Some other things- He has no long term friends. He does not associate with his family. He also hates his wife's family. He always seems to be sponging off someone. He refuses to pay child support and quit his job so he wouldn't have to. He lost his driver's license a second or third time. he never seems to stick to one thing. max is about 2 years and then he changes careers.
He thinks he is some awesome guy. Never in a million years would he admit to being wrong. He is overly concerned with his image and what other people think. Whenever CPS gets involved he somehow manages to convince them I am crazy and he is the good one. With the court case, the children had their own lawyer appointed. I had faith in the system and let them do their thing. He gave them some sort of papers that made them look at me- I have absolutely NO IDEA what it could have been because there isn't anything I have ever done. I don't have skeletons in the closet so to speak.
Lastly, my 14 year old daughter has seen through his behaviour and decided not to see her father. Unfortunately, it was Christmas when she decided this. He was absolutely incensed that she did not go. He refused to give her her presents- (she didn't care because she knows that they spend a max of $50 on each kid for Christmas and it is things like (crappy) clothes for her to wear when she is at their house while the parents are getting new ipads). He was overly concerned about his extended family's opinion of what happened. ("My Dad couldn't believe how you have posioned A against me. He was disgusted" Shit like this) Said that A has to apologise to 4 people for not going. Has called her 2 times since Christmas to date- I mean 2 attempts she was busy and didn't answer. he didn't try again. He missed her birthday as well. He claims there is something wrong with HER and it is my influence as to why she isn't trying to contact him. WTF He is the ADULT!!
(side bar- in December he called the cops to do a "welfare check" on the kids for no apparent reason- the kids were pissed at that. His wife called the school and reported that there was a facebook picture of A on a boy's lap. the boy (which she liked) got into trouble. That month he went psycho one visitation (after the police) because the kids weren't immediately jumping all over him- he was driving erratically, swearing calling them names and dropped them at the house and told them to call him when they turned 18- the next visit A did not want to go- she tried running away from him at the school- they had to stop off at my home- where she locked herself in her room. I let him in to coax her out- I did not realise that he actually physically forced her out of her room- twisted her arm behind her back... hmm to me there is plenty HE should be apologising to HER about)
He just can't seem to let go. I have been NC for about six months. Sometimes I have to write an email about the kids but I write it in a very professional manner with no emotions whatsoever. His replies are full of blame, name calling, rewriting history, wanting me to take responsibility for everything. He sometimes goes out of his way to be super friendly tho. It is just weird. It is absolutely ridiculous that it is still going on. He seems to be either trying to befriend me OR tear me down. It is never normal.
So.. opinions? Is he just a jerk or is he a psychopath/sociopath/ASPD or some other PD? I will answer any specific questions you might have?
I was reading this board becuase my own counsellor told me she thought my ex husband has a personality disorder. The more I read- the more I think she's right. I did not associate him with psychopathy because of the superficial charm bit. He does not have very many friends but as I think about it he is readily accepted by the public for a good man. So here goes. There are so many stories so if you wanted to ask me if there was an example of something- Don't hesitate. We were married for 6 years and have been divorced for 5. We have 3 children He is still trying to make my life hell now.
I believe he lovebombed me in the beginning. I got pregnant (he told me he was infertile) so we got married. After the baby was born I went to work and he "studied" (sat on the computer playing solitaire- never finished a thing) Fast forward to baby number 2 (almost 2 years later) and I force him out to work. Baby number 3 was born within 3.5 years of the first. He was conceived due to a drunken night- hubby was NOT drinking but he had decided he wanted me to be pregnant and deliberately did not use a condom.
Baby number two had a severe illness. I had to give up work. I spent my time looking after all of these small children and it was extremely stressful. My ex- His life barely changed. He still went to the gym and did everything that he wanted to do while I struggled. He was also abusive.
My ex also lost his license and it did not even affect him. He just expected me to drive him around everywhere. He was abusive but mostly extremely controlling. My friends later told me that he gave off this vibe that they were not welcome and most of them stopped seeing me because of it. Other people he would find some reason they wee a bad influence and stop me seeing them. eg. Someone drank (weekends) and they would influence me to be an alcoholic. He had an affair while my daughter was going through a really bad patch. He blamed me. I didn't find out about it until 18 months later when the woman decided to ring me about it. In the months before that he was accusing me of having an affair, would time outings and accuse me if I were home later than expected. There is so much more I could write...
After we split up- he told everyone that we split I up because I was addicted to the internet and he was committed to getting back together all the while seeing another woman. He badmouthed me to everyone we knew. Eventually he moved to another part of town because *I* had bad mouthed HIM to everyone (WTF). He got into trouble with the law. He bashed a guy and bragged about it. Told me how good it felt. He ended up losing his job over it though.
I know that his new relationship is full of lies. She thinks I am crazy. She does not know the real reasons we broke up. Behind HER back, he tells me that SHE is crazy and he wants a divorce. He tells me how controlling SHE is. (It is totally weird- My relationship would have to be completely over before I ever told my ex)
But here is the thing... He has gaslighted- He has had trouble with child protection and for good reason but he keeps convincing people that he is fine and I am crazy. My confidence in my parenting has gone to zero because of his constant undermining of my parenting skills. He tells the children random crap about me that shows me in a negative light. It has taken me a LONG time to realise I am actually a good parent and he has been projecting his own issues onto me.
Projecting has been a long time thing. When he cheated, he started calling me a slut. When he got in trouble with CPS he started calling ME a child abuser. He made me think I was crazy. He has broken the law and thinks that *I* am the criminal (WTF??) The single BEST way for me to work out what he is up to now is to see what he accuses me of!!!
He is going back and re-writing history. There were times when the cops had to be called- he just flat out said that it never happened. He bashed our daughter who ended up with a concussion. He now said it was a smack and she had a virus. He either reverses our roles in the situation or just forgets about it- Makes me think I am crazy. He calls me crazy quite a lot and I had started to believe it.
He is focused on extremely small details of the past. For example. I had a "safety box" for my children- I was scared of my ex and had this box that the children were told to use if their Dad came to the door. It had a couple of storybook cd's, some pacifiers, some lollies and a phone to call their grandmother if they needed it. He keeps bringing up this box (which was NEVER used and only there for about 3 days btw) as the reason why his kids are scared of him. it's ALL my fault. He will not take responsibility for the kids seeing their sibling thrown at a wall and kicked when she was on the floor- seeing a step sibling get strangled multiple times- verbal abuse- erratic driving, swearing at them, telling them he was never going to see them again and dumping them at home with no-one there. He thinks their attitude toward him is a product of my doing. He wants me to admit it. While the safety box may not have been the best decision I think the shock of seeing your sister getting bashed and then vomiting all over the place at the same age is going to impact more on you. ( See- all of this gaslighting has made me a person who needs to prove everything and back up every story with evidence)
The blame game happens with everything. A YEAR after we separated he had a car accident. he wasn't insured. He blamed me cos I was the one whole cancelled the insurance... errm yes- but who did you think was paying for it all this time?? Yep still my fault.
He stole $30 000 off me- also somehow- he reckons he earned that and it was his- he never stole it. Justification for everything. He also recently wrote in an email- Have I not tried to be friends in the last six months?" I actually said no- unless you calling someone a piece of shit and f*ed in the head friendly. He also recently said that I had lied in the divorce proceedings and there was no domestic abuse. I asked why did it matter? He actually said maybe the judge wouldn't have granted it- like WTF_ He had already gotten another woman pregnant. I could've said that we were divorcing because I had met a vampire and we had a unicorn in the backyard and the divorce would still have been granted (lol I might have been committed tho!)
He blames me not only for the relationship breakdown but for the situation that he is in. (His relationship is not good with his wife, they are on the poverty line with 7 children between them) We have nearly been divorced longer than we were together!!
Some other things- He has no long term friends. He does not associate with his family. He also hates his wife's family. He always seems to be sponging off someone. He refuses to pay child support and quit his job so he wouldn't have to. He lost his driver's license a second or third time. he never seems to stick to one thing. max is about 2 years and then he changes careers.
He thinks he is some awesome guy. Never in a million years would he admit to being wrong. He is overly concerned with his image and what other people think. Whenever CPS gets involved he somehow manages to convince them I am crazy and he is the good one. With the court case, the children had their own lawyer appointed. I had faith in the system and let them do their thing. He gave them some sort of papers that made them look at me- I have absolutely NO IDEA what it could have been because there isn't anything I have ever done. I don't have skeletons in the closet so to speak.
Lastly, my 14 year old daughter has seen through his behaviour and decided not to see her father. Unfortunately, it was Christmas when she decided this. He was absolutely incensed that she did not go. He refused to give her her presents- (she didn't care because she knows that they spend a max of $50 on each kid for Christmas and it is things like (crappy) clothes for her to wear when she is at their house while the parents are getting new ipads). He was overly concerned about his extended family's opinion of what happened. ("My Dad couldn't believe how you have posioned A against me. He was disgusted" Shit like this) Said that A has to apologise to 4 people for not going. Has called her 2 times since Christmas to date- I mean 2 attempts she was busy and didn't answer. he didn't try again. He missed her birthday as well. He claims there is something wrong with HER and it is my influence as to why she isn't trying to contact him. WTF He is the ADULT!!
(side bar- in December he called the cops to do a "welfare check" on the kids for no apparent reason- the kids were pissed at that. His wife called the school and reported that there was a facebook picture of A on a boy's lap. the boy (which she liked) got into trouble. That month he went psycho one visitation (after the police) because the kids weren't immediately jumping all over him- he was driving erratically, swearing calling them names and dropped them at the house and told them to call him when they turned 18- the next visit A did not want to go- she tried running away from him at the school- they had to stop off at my home- where she locked herself in her room. I let him in to coax her out- I did not realise that he actually physically forced her out of her room- twisted her arm behind her back... hmm to me there is plenty HE should be apologising to HER about)
He just can't seem to let go. I have been NC for about six months. Sometimes I have to write an email about the kids but I write it in a very professional manner with no emotions whatsoever. His replies are full of blame, name calling, rewriting history, wanting me to take responsibility for everything. He sometimes goes out of his way to be super friendly tho. It is just weird. It is absolutely ridiculous that it is still going on. He seems to be either trying to befriend me OR tear me down. It is never normal.
So.. opinions? Is he just a jerk or is he a psychopath/sociopath/ASPD or some other PD? I will answer any specific questions you might have?
How old is your youngest kid? Is it possible to get his visitation revoked due to all the abuse and stuff? Are you saving these abusive emails as evidence?
Whenever you have to deal w/ a psychopath, document EVERYTHING because you need all that for the eventual court case that always seems to occur with these people. I would try to get his custody revoked. It's not healthy for kids to be around a psychopath. Continue your therapy and keep reading about psychopathy. These people are a nightmare.
He has managed to convince everyone that I have a vendetta against him and that I am crazy. He even managed to get every second weekend AFTER he bashed my daughter. I have absolutely no faith in the court system now. If I couldn't get rid of him when I had evidence of a bashing what hope do I have now? He rewrites history and seems to actually believe the abuse never happened. Its total crazy making behaviour!!!
My youngest kid is 10. The emails aren't very good proof because they have so many accusations in them and they are so consistant that anyone I showed might start believing them. Also he doesn't overtly abuse me in them. Rather than saying- you are crazy he will say things like- "I really hope you get some therapy for the sake of the children" I was bamboozled by this trick for quite some time- insults and blaming masked as concern or just his opinion. He did most of the overt abusing by telephone anyway which is why I refuse to speak to him by phone.
Anyway- thanks so much for your opinion on him.. and for reading that uber long post!!
So I don't need to get on here and vent as much as I once did.
SPARKLYAVF - we should swap letters & emails from our exes. :-)
Same situation so I hear you. My ex nicknamed me the Ice Queen and had me so bamboozled about what type of parent I was that I nearly gave him custody thinking it would be best for our kids. We've been divorced for 3 years.
Our daughter was 13 at the time. When I asked her if she wanted to live with her father instead (because he had me so convinced that I was the problem parent), I told our daughter I wouldn't be mad at her at all. I just wanted her to be happy. Her eyes got big and she said "no way".
She'd already begun to put the pieces of the puzzle together and after that, my ex shut her out of both his and his family's lives... he said she betrayed him and she was a disrespectful brat. He said he was so angry, he was going to crash his car with her and her brother inside. He was recommended by our family counselor to go to batterer's counseling... and of course never did.
Our daughter is now 16. I was lucky enough to move to another state so for the most part, my ex is out of our lives. Our family's improvements are nothing short of remarkable.
I still have to deal with frivolous court hearings, the occasional harassment and finger pointing / blaming when it's his parent-time but aside from that, life is very peaceful & happy. I've learned how to play the game, so-to-speak.
And I totally understand what I like to call "trophy kid syndrome". I think it's what pathological fathers are best at. It's all for show to create their mask.
My suggestion is to continue no contact and if at all possible, put as much distance between the two of you as you legally can. Research ASPD/NPD. Don't respond to every single accusation in his letters. Ignore text messages and other forms of harassment. Don't feel the need to defend yourself against his lies because I've learned from experience that it only digs you in deeper. Only reply to what your parenting plan requires you to and that's it... usually that's where the kids are going to school and when/where you'll exchange the kiddos. Nothing more... only what is absolutely necessary.
You'll need to let go of what happens at his house because, sadly, the legally system will only see that as you trying to control him. Teach the kids how to defend themselves. If THEY call the police or CPS when he rages, that's much better than you doing it. It starts to put cracks in his lies. Get the kids into therapy but interview your therapists and make sure they understand personality disorders and abuse. If you have joint legal custody, you'll need to notify your ex of your intent to put the kids into therapy.
Aside from that, lay low for a while and start to build your strategy to escape now that you know what you're up against.
I know I used to say that anything less than him raping the kids while cooking meth would not affect custody, but it seems some of the things that are happening might. I would think losing his driver's license repeatedly might also weigh in, though he can of course have them all take public transportation or walk or ride bikes.