Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I recently discovered the 'Grey Rock Method', and realized it is somewhat how my husband has been dealing with his psycho affair partner that he is trying to rid. However I've sent him the articles on it as he really needs to fine tune and tweak his methods.
But he keeps getting drawn in. And he keeps telling her he wants it over because of the way she behaves to which I told that is definitely a wrong answer.
This morning he told me she blocked him on his whatsapp and although he was aware that was a manipulative ploy to draw him in at least he felt she was getting the message. Then in the evening he ran into her in the mall (coincident?) and she immediately in public began fighting with him. He lured her further and further away from the mall to try to get out of public view. She threatened him. I asked him how it ended and he said she left. I figured he must have said something to appease her again. He said no, that she began to notice or become embarrassed that many people were seeing her.
Ugh I don't know if this is ever going to end.
Anyone have any success with the Grey rock Method?
But he keeps getting drawn in. And he keeps telling her he wants it over because of the way she behaves to which I told that is definitely a wrong answer.
This morning he told me she blocked him on his whatsapp and although he was aware that was a manipulative ploy to draw him in at least he felt she was getting the message. Then in the evening he ran into her in the mall (coincident?) and she immediately in public began fighting with him. He lured her further and further away from the mall to try to get out of public view. She threatened him. I asked him how it ended and he said she left. I figured he must have said something to appease her again. He said no, that she began to notice or become embarrassed that many people were seeing her.
Ugh I don't know if this is ever going to end.
Anyone have any success with the Grey rock Method?
I haven't personally used the grey rock method. I have read a lot about women who have used it to basically "bore their P's to death" and make them leave on their own. But these were usually women living with a P or married to one who didn't seem to know how to get rid of them any other way...or women who have children with a P and absolutely cannot do NC.
First of all, I have to say that 1. You must have the patience of a saint to put up with all of this yourself and 2. You obviously must really love your husband and want to give him another chance to do right by you. I couldn't do it if I were in your position! I am very sorry you have had to go through all of this.
Which brings me to my next point....if your husband really wants to end this what is the reason he is choosing not to go no contact? It really is the BEST method of getting rid of a P. Because refusing to engage with them at all is the best way to keep them from manipulating you (him) any further. So I am a little confused, if he is serious and wants to make things work with you, why he is trying to grey rock his P rather than doing NC? I understand he thinks she will be less volatile, but what exactly is he so afraid of? Is it because he thinks she could cost him his job being that she's a student at his school or what is the deal?
If he is seriously wanting to cut ties with her and really wants to use the grey rock rather than no contact he has to do it right. He cannot continue to engage in her manipulations. Grey Rock doesn't really involve contacting the P and explaining reasons for leaving, or reasons for wanting to leave, or reasons for anything. It is about minimizing interaction and making yourself, in simple terms, completely boring. You give the P nothing to interest them. Some do this by pretending to be depressed. A depressed person is pretty sucky to hang out with if all they do is sit around saying "whoa is me". It's kind of similar to that. Give one word answers, show no interest in anything/anyone, do not respond or react to anything the P says or does...just be like a grey rock...boring, blah..."I'm just here existing" kind of thing.
The reason no contact works so well is because when you stop engaging with them altogether they can no longer manipulate and you can no longer get sucked in. I spent 10 months with my (ex) SP. I knew he cheated on me the 1st month of dating. After begging, pleading, crying for another chance and convincing me not to dump his sorry ass, he immediately began engaging in sexual chats with his lady "friends" online. This was into month 2 of dating. Month 3-9 I tried breaking up with him on a regular basis, continually catching him lying, cheating, etc. Keep in mind I am not the kind of woman to put up with cheating- it was not something I ever excused in the past. And yet I KNEW about multiple cheating with multiple women, plans to cheat, sex talk, even searching for female escorts online and I STILL got manipulated and sucked back in EVERY SINGLE TIME...until I went completely no contact and cut him off. That was the ONLY thing that worked. The level of manipulation these P's are capable of is unbelievable. I hope your husband will seriously consider going NC. But if he insists on doing the grey rock method to try and make her leave instead...he really needs to become more boring than wallpaper. Even then it could take a verrrrrrry long time...it all depends what she's hoping to get out of him.
This method seems to work well for people who can't go completely no contact (the work environment or co-parenting etc) but if you can cut them off cold then that is the absolute best method to get rid of them! (in my opinion)